Waiting until everyone else has finished before getting down

[Bonsoir]

My DD and I were invited to lunch by another mother (good friend of mine) and her son today. Another little girl was also invited, without her mother.

The five of us sat down to lunch together. My friend's son is a very slow eater. Both little girls had finished their pudding a long time before this little boy, who is a notoriously slow/small eater. The mother expected the little girls to wait for her son to finish his lunch before getting down from the table. By doing so she prevented the children from having an after lunch play, and in fact we were late back to school.

I don't personally think she was right to insist on all the children waiting until the last one had finished. What do you think?

Depends on the age of the children. We are starting to tell them to wait for all the children to finish their meal. DC are 5yo and 7yo. We don't insist they wait until the adults are finished.

I might make an exception for a very slow eater.

How long is their lunchbreak?

In principle I think she was right. It is something I tend to expect, especially if there are guests present.

But in practice, given how little time there was, I might not have insisted on it. Actually, it sounds as though the son needed less food or a bit of encouragement. My ds2 is terribly slow at eating (and very chatty) and I often tell him to shut up and get eating. I wouldn't say that to guests though.

How old are they?

If 5 or under, I don't think they need to wait at the table and I never expect mine to. I would like them to ask before leaving the table though.

For 6-year-old or older, possibly they might be able to enjoy chatting at the table so maybe should start to wait for everyone else to finish.

They have 1h40 minutes for lunch.

This little boy was far the slowest eater of us all - the adults had finished about the same time as the other two children. Children aged 4/5.

My DD asked whether she could get down - and was told no. I thought it was a bit OTT, as she needed time to play before school!

Agree with you really Bonsoir. They do need running around time in the lunchbreak as well as food.

My children are older I should explain. And we are not time restricted usually.

In principle - yes my DC have to wait until everyone has finished.

In practice, given the circumstances and the time constraints, I would have told the girls they could get down. Apart from anything else, seeing them getting down might have speeded her DS up a bit. Similarly if we are having a long lingering Sunday lunch then I would tell my DC and any visiting DC that they could get down and go and play (somewhere other than in the dining room) between courses, but they would never normally be allowed to do that.

How long did he eat for if you had 1h 40mins?

Seems unfair. I find that the DC really need some time to move about and get rid of some energy in their lunch hour.

We were sitting down for about 40 minutes, I suppose - we didn't get back to my friend's house until 25 minutes after school was out as she got held up.

Sound like an old fashioned and outmoded rule in general to me. In this specific instance it was a bit silly and picky to enforce it.

We do the same as Stealth, in theory they sit but only for a reasonable amount of time. Allowed to get up between courses when a long meal.

No, YANBU. 40 mins is a loooong time to sit at a table.

FlyMe - the point of it normally for us, apart from general manners and not wanting DC rioting whilst others are trying to eat, is that if DS were allowed to get down when he had finished then slow-eating DD would instantly decide that she had finished too - and would then be hungry an hour later.

I really can't see the point of this at all. It's just a rule for rule's sake - it's only rude to get down because some adults back in the dark ages decided it was. Well - so what. I certainly don't care and I won't pretend I do just because people love to slavishly and unthinkingly follow rituals.

Yes, this is a pet peeve! And there are a lot more stupid 'social norms' like this one.

Oh no I don't agree with that at all Acinonyx - it's about meals being social occasions and not just refuelling stops - but let's agree to differ as I am not in the mood for an argument.

I have a slow/reluctant eater but try to enforce an alternative rule that everyone has to finish their meal before leaving the table. And eating the chicken but no potato or brocolli is not finishing your meal etc etc.
I would class the staying at the table until everyone has finished rule alongside the no elbows on the table rule in Acinonyx's "stupid 'social norms'" folder.
Each to their own.

I do agree in principle but given the situation I would have said ok to get down. Meals ARE social occasions but I think if young children can behave well during the meal itself they're doing pretty well. If MOST people have finished then nothing wrong with letting them get down and have a run round.

Well it's a rule we enforce in our house.
The circumstances are different here than usual with having to go to school after the meal.

We have our meal at the table and if one is being slow we all sit and wait but not in a long drawn out way that would make them feel self concious(sp?) We just sit and chat and have a talk with each other until everyone has finished. It's not a problem. We have always done this since they were in highchairs. (eldest is nearly 14)

I think your friend was BU. They needed time to play before going back into school, making them wait for the other child was not reasonable imo.
mine are 4 and 6 and ive never been able to get the 6 yr old to stay at the table, sometimes its just a case of pick your battles...