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Original poster

Explaining dying

28 replies

Sholi · 30/03/2010 21:27

My 3 and a half year old keeps asking what dying is. Had no experience of it, but obviously heard things- flowers, roadkill etc.
Tried to explain that your body is very tired or poorly and the real you goes somewhere else.
This was met with but how will I watch if I die if my eyes are in my body- will my head be cut off. At a complete loss re what to say. Don't want to give an overtly religious answer.

OP posts:
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 30/03/2010 21:32

Maybe just say it's like a special sort of sleep, not at all like the sleep you have when you go to bed and close your eyes and wake up in the morning. Sometimes people are just to ill that their body needs to just stop, then explain that ill isn't a cold or a cough.

Original poster
Sholi · 30/03/2010 21:36

Did think of that but not a good sleeper at the best of times. Nightmares about "going on a bear hunt", so trying to avoid the sleep association!

OP posts:
BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 30/03/2010 21:45

That's why it's a different sort of sleep. I trained as a childrens nurse, most children understood that an anaesthetic sleep was different to a normal sleep when it was explained to them.

Original poster
Sholi · 30/03/2010 21:49

Will give it a whirl thanks!

OP posts:
ninah · 30/03/2010 21:53

it's pretty hard to explain something no one actually understands fully
I like the idea of special kind of sleep
my friend who was a nurse used to say that the body got worn out, and needed to rest, so I guess that's comparable and it seemed to work

RacingSnake · 30/03/2010 21:55

Have been having lots of discussions about this with DD (3.5) after many deaths, both animal and human, recently. Don't know how far we have got. I also wanted to avoid association with sleep and illness. The best I have heard is 'He had finished being alive and left his body behind and went on somewhere else.' Answered by: 'Why?'

YouCantTeuchThis · 30/03/2010 21:56

We live on a farm and DS, 4, went through a phase of being obsessed with death. He was recently arguaing with his big cousin about it, as she said that you go to heaven and he said you go in the ground...

I'm not religious at all, but I have to say that 'heaven' is probably the simplest and most reassuring. I said that people have a soul, the bit that makes them 'them', and that goes to heaven, but you don't need your body anymore and that can go in the ground. He likes the fact that it disappears into the ground and helps the grass and flowers grow, which in turn feed the sheep and cows .
I was quite blase and didn't make a big thing of i - just said he didn't have to worry about it.

I don't believe death is like sex, etc...in that you have to give the honest answer! We believe different things the world over so there is no 'honest' answer, IMO.

ninah · 30/03/2010 21:58

i love your name ICTT

YouCantTeuchThis · 30/03/2010 21:59

oh, and I don't like the sleep thing at all...sorry. Would worry that they would associate.

ninah · 30/03/2010 21:59

sorry Yctt

ninah · 30/03/2010 22:00

I think if you say is like but not they will understand
dc are very open in their belief systems

YouCantTeuchThis · 30/03/2010 22:02

why thank you

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 30/03/2010 22:03

I had thought about the association with sleep and saying death was like this, especially when talking to a small child about this but this is what it is like for most people. A 3.5 year old should be able to tell the difference between the sleep he has and when someone dies as it's really not the same.

I can see your point though, maybe try the heaven route. No matter what you say it can be related to real life, if you say someone becomes really ill or tired then they could associate it with them feeling ill or tired and think they are going to die. There's no right answer.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 30/03/2010 22:30

I just told ds the basic truth. At this age, I kept it simple - that very old bodies wear out and can't continue and the person is then 'all finshed'.

I did not talk about the body/soul thing because I don't believe that a soul is a seperate thing that goes elsewhere. I believe that life just ends. And that's all that I can tell DS because it's the truth that I know.

I didn't mention heaven and I didn't mention sleep. Death is not sleep and DS has not associated the two.

kissingfrogs · 30/03/2010 23:31

I have a different way of looking at it. Im not religious though. I explained to dd1 that everything has a cycle like day and night, the seasons etc, and that when it's our time we leave our body to be reborn as a baby again.
I wanted dd to see death not as an end but a new beginning. There is ofcourse part of me that believes this, or would like to think it was this way, as it sounds positive and not scary.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 31/03/2010 09:09

but I just find it so wrong to tell a story like that. It's just not true. I think it's our role to help children understand life, not fudge round with fluffy stuff. I don't think it helps them.

trice · 31/03/2010 09:17

Ask my children to remember what it was like before they were born. I tell them that I think that death will be like that again. This is what I believe and I don't think they find it too frightening.

Death happens unfortunately, you can't ignore it. I tell my children that life is precious and short and that they should make the most of it. We have had more than our share of premature deaths in our family which have been absolutely tragic and not remotely natural or seasonal.

Fliight · 31/03/2010 09:18

You can explain that it's like when you see a dream, your eyes are closed but you can still see it in your head...say 'can you close your eyes, now think of [favourite bear/doll/toy] can you see him?'

You can see without using your eyes.

I've had to tell ds1 about it recently, but he didn't seem to want details, he is 6. The way I probably would explain it is that your body gets ill or it gets old, but you kind of stay alive in your imagination, which is something nothing can destroy, it's not touchable, and it doesn't get old in the same way as your body. This is for an older child really, and it's what I believe...

I'm not really religious in the traditional sense but since my best friend died last week, she has been here, all around us, I've felt it and known it and heard her laughing in the wind. It sounds so trite but she has been telling me loud and clear that she is OK now.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 31/03/2010 09:28

This is why people invented religion, to explain the unexplainable .

I wouldn't normally recommend Disney, but The Lion King movie is quite good on this - the whole circle of life storyline worked really well for my DCs and was broadly real whilst being comforting. When they lost a GP last year they referred back to it, although it was years since they had seen it.

Original poster
Sholi · 31/03/2010 10:51

So many helpful ideas thanks. Wish I could come up with this at the time. Problem is that bouncers are usually asked while driving round roundabouts etc and my answers are very un thought through!

OP posts:
EspeciallyForYou · 31/03/2010 13:38

I told my DS when he was 2 that people went to live in the sky which is a particularly odd answer for me to give as a vociferous atheist

KidsTunes · 31/03/2010 14:24

In my own mind I think of it like a candle - when you blow it out the candle is still there, but the flame is gone. Where's it gone? Nowhere, it's just gone.

Poledra · 31/03/2010 14:33

DH's cousin and teenage son were killed in a car crash when DD1 was 2.5 yo. She wanted to know why Daddy was crying . I told her that they had died and, in answer to the inevitable questions, said that their bodies had been so badly hurt that they couldn't get better, and the doctors couldn't do anything to help them get better either. So they were gone, and we wouldn't see them again and that made Daddy sad.

I would avoid any connections to sleep myself. My CM's elderly dog is getting quite poorly, and she and I had a long chat about how we will handle his eventual death, as DD2 (now 4yo) is his biggest fan. We have agreed not to use the expression 'put to sleep' as I am nervous about the possible repercussions from this.

kissingfrogs · 31/03/2010 20:44

CirrhosisByTheSea: how do you know it's not true? I like to believe in reincarnation, and Buddhism. I do tell my dcs that "some people believe that..." when I give this explanation. There's so many beliefs on death, so much fear about it, so I picked a positive explanation that is close to my heart. My dcs will be encouraged to consider all beliefs when they are old enough. You have to be open minded to understand life.
I'm not trying to be all preachy here, just giving my views. Big for you x

chegirlWILLbeserene · 31/03/2010 21:12

I dont think you can explain death to a 3 year old.

That doesnt mean you shouldnt try IYSWIM. Just dont expect him to understand for a very long time.

I have to agree about not using the sleep idea (sorry Belle). I can really backfire and encorages the notion that death is not permenant.

My DD died when my DS was 3 so we have spoken many, many times about death and still do (he is 7).

I have always been open and honest. Death is forever, no she wont come back etc. I also tell him when I dont have an answer.

He suprised the hell out of my last year when I worked out that he thought cancer was a person who had crept in and stabbed his sister.

I am totally comfortable talking about death in terms of going to heaven. Its what I believe and I am happy for him to believe this too. But I realise its not for everyone.

I have quite a few books on bereavement for children but find them a bit too heavy on the animal metaphor (right word?). This just confuses him.

He also tends to ask the same questions over and over. I think he is trying to get stuff straight in his head.