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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

A child that you can't praise?

25 replies

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 30/03/2010 13:03

dd is 3.5. She may as well have a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she is good she is very very good....

but if I tell her she is being good she immediately stops what she is doing and starts doing something deliberately naughty!

I ignore bad behaviour but without positively reinforcing the good behaviour it is hard.

Anyone else got one that reacts like this to praise? And what do you do??

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Kathyjelly · 30/03/2010 13:07

It sounds like she's a bright little soul and perhaps she's not challenged enough.

You could try setting her a target? Something like "that was pretty good but it would be even better if you could put all the toys in the toy cupboard as well because then I'll have time to make some flapjacks".

Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 30/03/2010 20:32

interesting thought. you are right in that she is a bright little button. or do I mean devious....

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Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 30/03/2010 20:32

I guess I feel I'm always challenging her and would like to just praise her when she does something good.

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OhWhatNoooow · 30/03/2010 23:35

just a thought. but i found with my kids that instead of general praise when they did something good, like, 'you are such a good girl' i would be specific about what they had just done by saying, 'that was kind of you to give her the toy'. it seems they dont know how to deal with general praise.

Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 30/03/2010 23:54

it's the specific praise that sets her off. but I think I might have a break through, I just found link to a book about parenting a defiant child. It describes the reaction to praise as being a rebellion against the control implicite in the praising. Far example, she saw me saying "oh you are eating your tea nicely" to mean oh good you are doing as you've been told and are actually sat down (which to be honest it was!) so she threw her food everywhere (in a resturant) and started throwing herself under the table.

So, I think I have a start on where I'm going wrong.... but as I have to control her I'd better keep reading. otherwise we are going to run out of resturants we can go to!

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bumbums · 31/03/2010 09:15

What's the book please? My DS behaves this way, to a degree, and it sounds an interesting read.

anastaisia · 31/03/2010 11:26

try reading Unconditional Parenting or Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn

Not for everyone, but you might find things that help seeing as you can't praise anyway....

MavisG · 31/03/2010 11:35

I was gonna mention Alfie Kohn too. Sounds like your daughter's so bright she can already see that praise is inherently manipulative. She'll go far!

coldtits · 31/03/2010 11:43

I don't like being praised, especially not by my dad or other authority figures (doesn't include my mum, bizarrely).

I don't know why. But I get a feeling of suffocation when I get praised for something I wanted to do, and fury that me doing something 'good' must be so unusual in the praiser's eyes that it's noteworthy.

Eg My dad used to say "Well done for brushing your teeth without being asked"

And I would then refuse to brush my teeth for a week because it was up to ME, and I could either brush my teeth or not brush my teeth as I chose... it felt controlling, that he was commenting on every tiny aspect of my existnce

Instead of praising lavishing adoration for compliance, try a regime of gentle critisism and reasoning "If you don't brush your teeth, the bacteria in the cracks of your teeth will breed and make your mouth smell bad"

coldtits · 31/03/2010 11:45

As for restaurants, the child is 3.5 - wait for her to be old enough to behave appropriately in restaurants. There are some behaviors that can be 'manipulated' out of a child, and there are some they grow out of with no involvement from you at all.

Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 01/04/2010 23:14

Bumbums - I'll find the link to the book when I have a second. we are going away for easter and I'm not even close to being packed.

Anastasia I'll check those books out. thanks

coldtits - you and my dd sound like two peas in a pod. I can't remember getting any praise as a child (I'm sure i did but I don't remember it) all I rememeber is being critisised for every little thing i did wrong (and it's still happening, my dm can't bite her tongue or accept we have different ways of doing things...) so I hate criticising her and would love to praise the good and ignore the rest.

Anyone else ever get the feeling that their dc read the parenting books first and deliberatly thwarts everything that is supposed to work?

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SusieCarmichael · 01/04/2010 23:21

what coldtits just described was exactly how i felt as a child! also, i think it slightly embarrased me to receive praise

love the name lola

OrmRenewed · 01/04/2010 23:26

Yes. DD was like that. But recently it has improved. I know she likes to be praised but I try to praise her after the event to make it easier for her. I often list all the things my DC have done well when they are in bed at the end of the day. And say thanks. it's a good way to close the day.

Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 01/04/2010 23:38

so did you grow out of it Susie?

I'm worried its going to hold her back. her teacher at pre school has no idea of her abilities at all as dd won't do anything that she is asked to do.

What bugs me most is when I ask her to do something and she shouts "NO" at the top of her voice. if I don't react she usually does it anyway but if I look like I'm going to give her a fight she's a complete horror.

I try to give her choices where I can so she has some control but she is completely indecisive.

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Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 01/04/2010 23:40

will also try praising after the event. I don't want her to feel like nothing she does is ever good enough.....

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anastaisia · 02/04/2010 00:44

What I find with DD, who is wonderful but can be hard work is that I have to be careful how I ask her to do things - if she doesn't have a choice I don't say can/will/shall or anything like that. I say 'DD, it is time to do x now.' and am prepared to calmly make it happen when I say it is time, even if it would be easier if she would just do it without me being so involved.

On days I'm feeling like I'm in battles with DD I find she is better when I tell her something will be happening in x minutes. Other days we don't have any problems anyway.

If she does have a choice and she says no, I don't try to pursuade her at all. I just say ok and leave it, or get on with it myself. Quite often she then has a bit of a think and decides it would be good to do. If it is a limited time offer I do tell her that at the start but I only say it if there is an external time limit - I don't set one myself if not.

skidoodly · 02/04/2010 00:55

"But I get a feeling of suffocation when I get praised for something I wanted to do, and fury that me doing something 'good' must be so unusual in the praiser's eyes that it's noteworthy."

I always felt baffled by it. Like you say, I did something I wanted to do (e.g. doing my homework as soon as I came home from school) and my Mum would go on about how great I was and it just seemed silly and I never wanted to accept the praise because it felt undeserved (I did my homework promptly because I didn't like it hanging over me, not to be "good").

I still hate it when my mother praises me, and she's very effusive with praise.

This is very interesting. Will have to think on it more. I praise my DD a lot, but she's only 2 and seems to respond well at the moment. I will have to watch it though.

Dominique07 · 02/04/2010 01:14

This rings a bell, i know its not the same thing but my mum used to INFURIATE me by asking me to do something i was just about to do, e.g. As I got up from breakfast to wash my plate would say could you make sure you wash your plate,
a constant lack of trust from the adults around you is annoying,
however praise must be the best way of expressing what you need to communicate. how difficult for you.
Obviously at 3 they don't know everything yet and you don't just want to be critical. Food for thought... (sorry I can't think of anything helpful)

dreamylady · 02/04/2010 01:29

wow I was just talking about this the other day - well almost this - tho in our DDs case (albeit she is quite determined and 'wilful' (yuk hate that worrd) i thought it was just that drawing attention to the behaviour reminded her she had other choices - like, oh i'm being praised for being good, maybe i don't need to try so hard then cos i'm not bothered about getting praise.

That is a really interesting point about the control thing - she' almost 5 and has a real issue with that - often says she can't wait to grow up so she doesn't have to do as she's told all the time. I've always been really firm with her (from the be consistent school of parenting) but have recently thought i maybe overdid it and now back off a bit.

I think I'll take more notice of when i'm praising her and her reactions for a bit...

Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 08/04/2010 23:02

Sorry to let this go cold. its been a hectic week. the book I found was

Parenting a Defiant Child: A Sanity-Saving Guide to Finally Stopping the Bad behavour By Philip S. Hall, Nancy D. Hall

I haven't read all the book, just what is on the preview on the web. lets be brave and try a link

here

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Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 08/04/2010 23:05

by the way I'm trying coldtit's gentle critism but we are at the "why" stage. so everything requires at least 10 minutes of explaination!

but we are having less confrontations and hope I can diffuse them a little better when they happen (sounds like famous last words as I type this though.... )

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tethersend · 08/04/2010 23:14

Try praising her to someone else.

Mention on the phone (there needn't be anyone on the other end) the amazing thing she did & pretend you don't think she can hear you.

Some children find it difficult to deal with direct praise, and find it far easier if the praise about them is directed at a third part IYSWIM- eg you could tell the waiter how well she's eaten her food when he comes over.

tethersend · 08/04/2010 23:16

Oh, and casual praise as you are walking past (ignoring any subsequent reaction) can be less challenging for her.

Praise and run

Original poster

lolaismyfavouriteandmybest · 10/04/2010 15:36

Tethersend, Are you suggesting I keep on praising and running even though it stops her doing what ever it was that was good?

are you thinking it will get her used to being praised without a confrontation?

I would love to hear how Coldtits Skidoodly and Susie and the others who identified with dd would feel about this.

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tethersend · 11/04/2010 22:31

What I am saying is that giving casual praise- for example when walking past, and not giving eye contact or waiting for a reaction from her removes her opportunity to get a reaction from you, which is what she is controlling.

She may also feel less embarrassed and/or self conscious if she is not 'put on the spot' when praised.

If you don't feel comfortable doing it, don't do it- I am just suggesting some strategies I have used with children in similar situations

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