Teacher just told me Ds 5 has low self esteem

[burbling]

Teacher keen to work with us which is good,
but would really appreciate any advice, activites etc I can do at home and/or any books that might be useful. Specially for one so young. Found a lot of resources on the web for older kids, but less for younger ones.

I have Haim Ginnott and How to Talk etc, but need to do some positive self image stuff i think. Don't have any kids books on the issues and would welcome any suggestions. He's so young but won't speak up at school, let alone put his hand up and won't show how he can read etc. He's always been quite shy but has lots of friends and I think he found transition to reception quite hard and lost confidence.

Feeling a bit low about it all myself now and DP not around at the mo so any thoughts at all welcome.

Doesn't sound like a particularly helpful label from the teacher.

Maybe he just likes to observe before he jumps in.

Could you be more specific about what the teacher is referring to:
Difficulty with the academic side of things? Struggling to be heard in a big class?
Not liking to speak in front of groups/strangers?
Not 'clicking' with that teacher?

How is he in other settings? Like - say - does he go to any group out of school activities like swimming.

Don;t let the emotive language upset you. Schools do rely on kids complying and fitting in - real people aren't always so convenient.

awww

ways to boost self esteem in young children:

set achievable tasks:

puzzles appropriate to his abilites, lego, biscuit decorating

responsibilities:

laying the table, emptying the dishwasher, feeding the goldfish, sorting his own breakfast

being involved in decision-making:

ask him to contribute to discussions about where to go on holiday, what to have for lunch on Sunday

listen to him, and show that his opinion matters.

do you see what I am getting at? I am trying to say empower him

HTH

Thank you both. Kif, use of emotive language comments etc, partic useful. Been on the verge of tears all day. Boys lots of good ideas, he does do fair amount himself but a good moment to readdress and update.

Kif - He now doesn't want to do show and tell, "too many children".
Doesn't put his hand up in class discussed, or volunteer for things.
Very reluctant to respond when asked despite the previous point and sometimes won't respond at all.
Won't show teachers how well he can read, write etc. So big gulf between what we see and what school see.

I think it is a school thing as he is happy at home, concentrates, reads like a beast and loves writing etc. He was very happy in nursery at same school before and used to be more reluctant to contribute but they worked hard and things changed. Don't know how ... Teacher now left but TA is there so will ask her for advice. Teacher said she'd do the same. He is also not getting any stars on class star chart, so think possibly there's little praise going on for him. He sits quietly at the back and keeps schtum. Very different to previous class where he was praised often, covered in stickers every day for helping, kindness etc and also regarded as so co-operative he was a model for others. Think he may feel his star has fallen. All bar three other kids have a lot more stars, but she says there's no reason really he doesn't have any and looked a bit guilty. All of this is said within context of understanding of course that she has 30 kids to look after, and I appreciate that sadly he can't be centre of her attention!

I'm not bothered about academic stuff, just want him to feel happy and confident so the learning can take hold as the years roll on. That's really why I was looking for activities etc to help boost his self image. I worry that he's frightened of looking a fool if he gets things wrong and thought we could help with that slowly bt surely at home. Why it's good to me etc.

He can be and is often very shy with adults if he doesn't know them well or not seen for a while. Has always been shy and hates being centre of attention in a big group. Can be v reluctant to try new things, gets frustrated when he "fails" or rather doesn't succeed immediately. We have worked on several things, riding a bke sliding down poles etc individually and it works. He doesn't like group activities, we have tried but now do none.

TMI - Sorry!

Certainly doesn't sound as though the teacher is doing much to boost his self-confidence. I don't wonder she looked 'a bit guilty' - she should be feeling incredibly guilty. All kids need praise and encouragement and having 30 in a class is no excuse. If she is aware that your DS is lacking in confidence, he should have more stars than anyone else, not fewer and definitely not none!

The tips that you have been offered here will all stand him in good stead, but I would talk to the teacher again and ask her to try to reward him more frequently. I am sure she would have been quick to tell you if his behaviour was so bad that she simply couldn't give him stars, so perhaps she could make him one of her monitors - handing out work sheets or collecting things?

By the way, I meant to say that since it appears that his self-esteem is fine with you at home, it's not you that should be trying to raise it, it's the teacher. Bit of buck-passing going on I feel.

He sounds a lot like my (preschool but rising) DS.

Whenever I worry about him, DH always points out that he had exactly the same traits as a child.

For example, my DH is a bit of a perfectionist. It gave him a reputation for having a bad temper, because he used to get so angry when things weren;t 'right'! But it's actually made him very good at his (very precise & technical) job.

His sister talks about how 'unpopular' he was at school. He looks a bit bemused, and refers to his three close friends that he stuck with through childhood and adulthood. He's still very much shy but deeply loyal.

I can go on and on - but the point is that it seems that you have a lovely bright little boy - but that your teacher and your DS seem to be mutually bemused by one another.

I've a bit of a chip on my shoulder about teacher-pupil dynamics. I spent 4 years in one school where pretty much every report/mark/feedback referred to my messiness/disorganisation/bad handwriting. It was only when I hit GCSE's & the work became more challenging, that suddenly the focus changed, and I found I was cruising past my tidy, neat but rigid peers. Looking back, I find it very peculiar that i was simulataneously not challenged and marked as under achieving for those intermediate years.

Oh this is so useful and I'm so glad i asked on here. Kif fascinating point because DH said exactly the same, that he never put his hand up etc, even when he kne the answer. So some of it may be nature as well as nurture. My schooling was a bit similar to yours, I suddenly dived one year and just got into trouble at it at school and at home and as an adult realised that I never got any support, just got into trouble. No one seemed to think it could be anything other than my fault things had gone wrong.

Coller also very good point. Have been talking to DH today and he's quite cross about it all too. Think we'll try and talk to her again after easter hols and check in with the strategy. Also going to talk to his nursery TA next week and get her on the case as teacher will doubtless have tons of things to address post parent meetings and nervous DS, as ever, will fade intoher background.

Saw a freind today who has a friend who's a a teacher. Apparently she's always saying it's the quiet ones that get stuffed in teaching. If you get on and don't mae a fuss, you're one of the few they can afford to ignore/not worry about. Bit depressing really.

Thanks for all this though. Did stuff with him this morning with lists, suggested from web trawl. Starting with things I enjoy and things I am good at. Also did a version of his report for him, totally fictious, saying teacher this that and the other, to try and show him that she thinks he's good at things and like sto hear his reading, enjoys having him in her class, says he's kind to others and has lots of friends.

hope you get it sorted out.

Thanks Kif. Really appreciate your thoughts. Showed DP the thread to and it's all incredibly useful.

Being quiet or reserved does not necessarily equal low self esteem. Seems the teacher may be confusing the two?

Try watching this video, it's a useful starting point and the website has some links to other related resources.

Thank you piprabbit.

Oz you're right I think, but she says his confidence in school is very low. Already however he's had a star for something, so feel like she's working on it too. I'd just like to do what I can at home in the form of exercises that will give him a clear self image, and help him not worrying perhaps about failing in front of his peers etc. Also need to work on how he interacts with adults I think, shyness can be rudeness sometime which win im friends or influence people either!

All very useful, and everything I'm looking at and researching are all good reminders of where they are developmentally and how to re-enthuse my parenting policies I guess.