9yr son - problems but no-one wants to know

[tich26]

Hi,

I am sitting very dejected tonight and my message could be an essay to be honest but I have a 9yr son who in my opinion has extremes of emotions. He's had a difficult start to life but saying that he was not an easy baby or toddler - very exhausting.

I am separated from his dad.

I saw a psychologist last year attached to the hospital he'd been in (had HUS from ecoli and was in for 3 traumatic weeks) and that was very useful for me and she felt that on the whole he'd was fine with things. But she referred me to my local Cahms(?) unit for an appointment about his general behaviour at home.

We've waited 8 months for that appt and I saw someone last week at very short notice and so I don't feel I really expressed myself properly - not that I feel she pushed me.

Basically she talked about using Magic 123 (1 second warning, 2 second warning and time out at 3 seconds) - I tried to say that it would work with my daughter for instance but not with my son. When he gets wound up (and it can be over something very trivial) it's like he becomes a different person and there is nothing that stops it. Believe me I have tried!

That's how it was left so I still feel helpless. And I feel bad for my daughter as these outbursts spoil her evenings/visits etc. It spoils my day/night and eventually it spils my son's after time as my daughter doesn't want to be physical and give him hugs and I find it very hard to just pretend it all doesn't matter. Because it does matter.

If I just let him kick off like this and then pretend that it's all Ok and none of it mattered or effected me or my daughter am I just not condoning it?

For instance tonight - he was very good at my daughter's swimming lesson - that is normally a half hour of him agitating etc. But tonight he just took himself off to watch the older swimmers - well done I said! Then we get in car and we go to the fish and chip shop - he badgers me and whinges and whines on and on - wants portion of chips to self and wants a big fish etc. We then go into fish shop and it continues - I warn him to stop or he won't be going to youth club tomorrow night.

We get into car and he drops his plastic fork and before I even know what he has done he is kicking the inside of my car and shouting and calling me names. I am so shocked at this.

I did shout back and say I am sick of him spoiling things for me and my daughter but that is just what he does all the time and it's how I feel now. And yes no doubt I shouldn't have done that.

We got home and he stayed in the car and I left him there - we ate our tea. He came in eventually and ate some of his.

But throughout there is no remorse - all I get is cheek and faces pulled. After it and when he's calmed down he says he's sorry but will object to any punishments - tonight I've said he can't go to youth club tomorrow night. And he argues about it.

And I have booked a weekend away for us at Easter and to be honest deep down I am dreading it because I know he will kick off mainly through his excitement and anxiousness and it will be spoilt.

What do I do? Am really sorry for the long tale but that's it in a brief form! He can be so loving and kind and yet there is this Jekyll and Hyde character and I honestly believe that afterwards he doesn't really know why or how he behaved beforehand. But it is a problem.

If I just ignore this behaviour and not punish it am I not just condoning it?

I honestly believe though that when he is like this there is nothing I can do.

Am at a lost but I just keep looking ahead to when he's a teenager and what do I do then? I just forsee him getting into trouble.

I hate having this relationship with him.

Please give some advice if you can.

Lisa

Hi Lisa,

I really feel for you. My ds has outbursts regularly and it's really tough for everyone around him. With mine I put a lot of it down to him having diabetes and having to inject every day. It causes him a constant low level stress which means it doesn't take much for him to be pushed over his limit and he'll kick off.

I feel so sorry for your ds over the chips thing. I don't konw what happened there but obviously something hurt him or made him angry.

Do you warn him before punishing? My ds NEEDS a warning. eg 'If you talk to me like that again I will take your skateboard away for a day'. You absolutely HAVE to stick to it.

When DS kicks off (Shouting, rolling on the floor, swearing etc) I used to shout back. Now I go really quiet and just calmlyh, slowly, kindly remove him from the room. I calmly tell him he's being too loud and he needs to take himself off.

You know yourself it was maybe not your finest moment telling him that he spoils things for you and your dd. That's going to hurt. I think you need to apologise for that and let him know you don't mean it. We all get angry and say this stuff. Apologising shows kids a good example.

Don't despair. My DS is 10 and in the last few weeks he has made big improvements. It's been an enormous relief. Keep talking to your boy and crying when you need to and coming on here when you need to talk and it feels all too much.

Does he see his dad by the way? Have you been able to talk about this with his dad? You have a lot to deal with on your own with this sort of male behaviour.

Sounds like he needs to control things but like any child they need limited choices 'what would u like small fish and chips or small sausage and chips?' u repeat this a couple of times if he does not decide and then say 'if u cannot make the decision I will have to make it for u this time.'

I agree with the above advice it is justified u have angry feelings but you need to apologise and tell him u dont mean what u said. it is good for him to see that, everyone is human everyone makes mistakes. Try and vent to family and friends never in earshot as those comments will make it harder and effect his self worth. I would instead try 'I' messages 'I am very sad/angry that you called me those names' 'I would like you stop calling me those names or there will be no youth club'

The prob with taking YC is there is no respite for you so i would be inclined to think of something else and prob have the consequence on the same day as i am a true believer that every day start afresh.

Talk to him, ask him why he gets angry, what calms him down etc...mayb u both can create a space in the house where he could calm down but not to isolated but somewhere wiv little stimulation.

hope some of these ideas help!let me know

Dd was also like this and I believed like you that she really had very little control over it. Once she told me afterwards that when she was in one of her meltdowns her perception of the world changed so she couldn't really feel I was her mum any more; it felt as if I was turning into a stranger. In her case, I put it down to anxieties concerning chronic illness/disability and misdiagnosis. Like Spidermama, I used to try and stay calm and not react, though I did sometimes have to restrain her as she would follow me and try to bite or hit. I would keep repeating calmly: 'no I cannot let you hurt me, no I will not let you hurt me', but otherwise interact as little as possible.

In some ways, it was easier for me because I had seen exactly the same behaviour but on a far bigger scale in my own younger brother, so I was not particularly shocked when dd kicked off, more a kind of resigned 'oh, here we go again'. Db's tantrums were spectacular (again probably related to childhood anxieties). But he grew out of them in the end. As did dd.

Btw neither my mum or me used to do punishments for tantrums, though we were both quite strict in other respects; we just felt that meltdowns were different and in a sense carried their own punishment. And as both our children did grow out of them before anything serious happened, it may just be that this method worked.

Btw I wouldn't bother with feeling guilty about your dd having her time spoiled with tantrums: I certainly don't recollect that feeling about my own childhood. Basically, most children I know have had to contend with something difficult in their childhood: I feel that just having a tantrumming brother, I was getting off easy. Don't apologise to her about it, or she will feel it is far worse than it is.

I do feel for you, it's hard on your own and feels somewhat relentless when it's happening day after day.

May I ask what how your relationship is with his father? Does DS see him on a regular basis and are you able, as parents, to discuss the kids together? If not, does DS have an alternative male role model?

I think the nicest part of your story is that he does say he's sorry when he has calmed down. Assuming that he really means it (and isn't just saying it because he has to) then I think I would try to talk to him about it then. Explain that you don't like to see him so upset and angry, but that you can't just let him behave badly without saying anything or punishing him.

As a Special Needs Teacher, I have had many children who are subject to apparently uncontrollable bursts of rage. I would buy a cheap cushion in a light colour, let them put their name on it (and decorate it if they wish to) and that cushion lived in a cupboard in my room. When they felt really wound up, they were allowed to come in and punch the cushion. Maybe that might help your son - it could be in the car/house to be handy if he gets tense.

I have no medical qualifications, but I did raise two sons and I reckon this sort of behaviour is all down to testosterone. So I'd recommend a cushion and a male to talk to - some combination!