Yet another hitting thread - is 3yo too told to still be casually clouting other children?

[MaMight]

I met a lovely lady at playgroup.

Her daughter is 3. Not quite three and a half I think?

This little girl was quite violent to some of the other children. During song time she kicked one of the other children in the head. She also hit various other children during the group (including my own dd who got a bleeding lip).

It didn't seem angry behaviour. It reminded me very much of when my dd was much younger and used to hit as a way of communication because she had no concept that hitting could hurt, and was too young to have empathy. Yes, I have been 'the mother of the child who hits' so am sympathetic.

The reason I am asking for your opinions is because this mum seemed so nice, and, in my opinion, was very consistent and firm with her daughter. She was telling me that the hitting has been going on for over a year and that she and her husband are absolutely at their wits end about it. They have tried everything. She even got a bit tearful talking about it. She is completely stuck and doesn't know what to do, short of never going out in public. She was telling me that her daughter is on final warning for hitting at nursery. She even thumped a couple of children at a trial day at a nursery that they thought might be better for her.

I will see this lady again and I wondered if I could purloin the wisdom of Mumsnetters to have something constructive or useful to say to her. I sympathised, but felt a bit useless as I hadn't anything helpful to say to her.

What do you think?

(I am hoping for one of those threads where you get a load of comments saying "normal")

Normal?

DS was like this and your friend has my deep sympathy. DS was always prone to hitting out if angry, anxious or distressed but he hit a really bad phase at 3years old. He did have a lot of thigs going on (as did I) and had a couple of changes of childcare and that seemed to really upset him.

Most 3 years olds hit but if I'm really honest not many do so as much as ds was doing it. Often it was just out of the blue as well with no discernable reason (though there probably was one)

I did my best to be calm and consistent and was probably at my best when out with friends as I wanted to be seen to be coping but if I'm really honest I struggled to cope.

I wish I had an easy answer but I would just warn ds and then remove him fron the situation (take him home if necessary) if he hit again. I spent a lot of time leaving things (parties, softplay, toddler groups etc) with a screaming child. Eventually he got the message (or maybe he just grew up a bit) and stopped hitting so much at home and with us.

He was stil pretty bad at pre-school and in reception though age 4-5yrs old. We have just come out of the other side now 6 months after starting in reception. It involved masses of help and support and strategies from the nursery and school. We all worked together. I'm horrified the nursery isn't being more helpful. It is up to them to work with the child and the parents to improve the behaviour.

Is she a vocal child or does have any speech and language difficulties?

Could she try and focus on the victim rather than her daughter initially 'oh u poor thing...u must be really hurt' and see what her daughters reaction is like. So completely ignore her daughter and then a few mins later she firmly says 'No hitting, I feel so sad when you hit other children.'

Also before going to groups etc, say what will make mummy proud/happy out today? Set some positive expectations.

Though my best advice would be whatever method she uses to try and stick to it as consistency is important for young children.

Thank you both for your replies.

I did reassure her that, like most things, it would pass in time. A year is a long time to be waiting for something to pass though.

I agree that the nursery seem to be being less than helpful.

Re speech and language - she did talk a lot but not very clear speech. Not very coherent. Not particularly talking to anyone really, just talking. Within the realms of normal I would think? I only have my own dd to compare with and she was an early talker and spoke well by this age. Do you think it could be a communication issue? And if so, how would you address this?

I agree also re consistency.

She could have communication problems so acts out as she finds something difficult/frustrating rather than use talk to express herself. From my experience with working with young children it is one of the causes of hitting, biting etc is because they cant express themselves verbally.

A year is a long time...and if the parents are consistent, fair but firm then I believe they may need to seek professional help.

What do u mean by talking to herself? In her play?

What do you mean final warning at nursery?