2 year old nice to Dad and mean to Mum

[PrinceCorum]

Hello Mums - this is a Dad posting - hope you don't mind? My lovely wife is stuggling to come to terms with how our 2 year old boy is consistently nicer to me than he is to my wife. He is going through a period of hitting right now, for example, and though he does sometimes hit me, he will hit my wife more often and seems more moody and difficult with her. He also has a habit of demanding "no, Daddy do it" when Mum tries to dress him, help him brush his teeth etc.

Some background: Our 2 year old has an 8 month old brother - his only sibling - there certainly is some jealousy but he is quite loving towards his little brother. Could some unresolved jealousy be making him nicer to Dad than he is with Mum?
Dad softer than Mum? Not really - I punish bad behaviour just as severely as Mum, and we use similar strategies to cope with it. Mum does lose her temper more and shout more, but then she has more on her plate than me and I am just a generally calm person whereas she is a bit the opposite. Could this be an issue?

I'm posting on here because I care deeply about my kids and my wife and it pains me when my wife thinks our son loves me more than her and when I see him being mean to Mum and showing a preference for me.

Would love to hear about any similar experiences? Is it usual? Will he grow out of it? Should my wife be worried that this will become a long-term thing?

Please help and share your comments.
THANKS !

Sounds pretty normal - lots of toddlers go through phases of preferring one parent to the other, and then swapping when you least expect it.

Is your wife at home with them, and you at work? I find that because I'm the one doing most of the discipline with DS, so DS can get a bit stroppy with me, but is all sweetness and light as soon as Daddy walks in the door.

..and he's not being 'mean' he's being two.

I have a friend who's toddler will tell anyone who listens that he loves Daddy, but not Mummy.

I think it is pretty normal behaviour, could you look after the 8m old one morning at the weekend so your wife and the 2 y.old can go off and do something fun together just on their own?

What a good husband you are.

Thanks. Well, I do work full time. Toddler is in nursery 3 days a week and they say he is good as gold there - no hitting, etc., but when my wife has him on her own he can be a real handful. I will try to engineer some opportunities for her to have some fun time just with him while I look after the 8 month old. Only thing is that on a weekend is the only time I really get to see the whole family and I would love to spend what little free time we all have as a complete family... ah well...

I know we have "family time" at the weekends as my DH works full time, but I think a morning here or there will really help with the relationship.

No advice but just wanted to sympathise. My 2.7 DD much prefers her daddy to me, if I sit on the sofa it's 'no, I'm sitting there' or I come home and she says 'go into the kitchen mummy, Daddy and I are busy'.

DH says that it's possessiveness over him rather than actively not liking me. Also, like your wife I am the one with the shorter patience, whereas DH is more easy going and likely to 'let things go'.

That may not help but at least you know it is pretty common.

No advice unfortunately as at the moment my DD (only child) is only 9 months!

But, I just wanted to say, what a lovely and thoughtful husband and father you are! And what a lucky family you have!

In case it helps, I'm sort of in your DW's position - my nearly 3 year old DD has started to express a firm preference for Daddy. She is amusingly tactful about it ("I want Daddy now, you can put me to bed tomorrow"), but it is clear that for now she prefers having him dress her/feed her/put her to bed/read to her etc. Its easy to take it personally in the way you would for an adult, but I think in our case it is probably because Daddy is more reliable than I am as he works from home and she never knows if I will be back for bedtime etc.

I'd also say that in a funny way being difficult with your DW is probably showing that he loves her in that he feels he can misbehave with her - my DCs behave better for strangers but act up for us, probably because at some level they trust us not to take it badly!

Have a look at this page shows that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. I know of this because my DCs play these games with us too!

My 2yo atm only likes one of my sisters, her youngest cousin and a friend of mine she rarely sees. She tells me all the time "Don't lub you. Wanna lub x" 2 year olds are very strange creatures. Tell your wife not worry, ds will grow out of it soon enough.

I'm not invited to dd2's 3rd birthday party apparently, tbh I am quite relieved, she is planning on serving everyone salt dough cake and jelly with spaghetti

My 2yo has a marked preference for dh over me. He will be a real handful for me but a perfect angel for dh. At weekends (the only time he really sees dh) he wants dh to put on his shoes, hold his hand, carry him, read him stories etc and says 'no, no, no' if I try.

He calls for me in the night rather than dh though.

Ds1 (3.10) is a real mummy's boy though. In his words, 'ds2 likes daddy best, but I love you mummy'.

DD definitely preffered her dad to me and i used to get very upset about it (I like your DW am the one who looses my temper easier etc and used to think it was this - it's not). It does pass and now she is very much a Mummy's girl - I am her best friend in the whoel world (she is 5)
Sounds like you are all doing everything right just grin and bear it, it will get better.

Another one saying this is normal. My DS1 definitely preferred his dad at this age. It is upsetting when you are the harried parent at home, coping with a baby and a toddler, but in a warped way it is a sign they are very secure with you - secure enough to show their worst side and know you'll still be there .....

You do sound lovely - but I'm sure you are calmer because you aren't with them all the time . My DH is also a wonderful, involved dad, and I used to think he'd be better at staying home with them than me, but who knows ?

Try and reassure your DW - my DS1 totally fell in love with me all over again at around 4.5. Also, I'd say, hard as it is - your DW must try not to let it show that she is hurt, to brush what he says off, because toddlers are amused by emotional reactions to their behaviour and sometimes end up doing a bit of a "divide and conquer" thing. Tell your DW she has not lost him because of the new baby. You have all got a lot of years over which time your relationships will change and grow ...

I am in similar situation to your wife in that my ds 2.7 is nicer and much more obedient to his dad than me. I was complaining to a friend with three grown up kids about it the other day and her reaction was that "of course he is. He knows he can trust you not to disappear so you are a safe target to rebell and test boundaries against." In a way I suppose it's almost like a back to front compliment. Ds is at nursery all day as both of us work fulltime. DH works from home so ds sees a lot of him, but DH is away on business between 3 to 6 nights every month so ds is used to him being away from time to time and I guess I am the constant who is "always" there .I've been away for a few nights on couple of occasions too but unlike with my husband, when I get back ds is v clingy and watches me like lika a hawk. If I were your wife I would see it as a HUGE confirmation that your lo is secure in his relationship with her and trusts her like he trusts nobody else. It may just make the behaviour a little more easy to understand and cope with. Good luck. It's still tough though.