Losing my temper with my almost 2 yr old. HELP!

[gosssipgirl]

I am really struggling with my DS's behaviour.

I have just lost my temper with him and shouted at him and smacked his bottom Feeling so awful now

He is now in his cot going to sleep.

The main issues are:

He refuses to have his nappy changed and it is an absolute nightmare. I have to pin him down and he kicks me and screams blue murder.
If it's just a wet nappy, I use pull-ups and do it standing up and this works better but not possible with poos.

He won't eat any "family meals" and I have to make him a ham sandwich if I want him to eat anything. He will eat "snacks" though and is always asking for them, which I only give at 10am and 3pm.

He hits me in the face.

He hates being in the buggy, but he won't hold my hand if I let him walk and runs away as soon as his feet touch the ground so for his own safety I daren't let him walk. This means I can't take him to the shops/bank/post office as he cries in the buggy/trolly unless I contantly supply him with snacks!

Deep breath............!

< pour a cuppa.. and passes choc cake>

breathe and put your feet up whilst he's alseep and try and calm down

I found when mine where much much younger (ds1 is 15 now ) that a choc button worked wonders at nappy change time. pop some in a jar and tell him you give him a clean bum button if he behaves nicely when your changing him.
( might work )

when mine hit me.. I just picked then up and moved them away from me with a deffinate " No" .. takes a bit of time but they do get the message.. ( give yourself a choc button for that one )

and put one of those rucksac reins thing on him.. better that than him running off.

HTH

btw.. it does get easier x

oh and eating family meals.. he won't starve himself.. maybe try treats after a good try at the family dinner ?

don't give in with a sandwich. dinner with a treat after or no dinner, and go hungry.. he has a choice .

He is screaming now in his cot but I dont want to lose my temper again so he is staying there for 10 mins.

nappy thing is a nightmare but does get better. Could he choose a small toy to hold while you change him?

bless you.. seriously they are sent to try us.. but just remember to look at him when he's alseep.. so you see that little baby faced angel.

Went I got really stressed out at mine.. i'd sing a jolly song quite loudly.. sounds mad but it totally distracted them out of tantrums.. generally with a puzzled look.

' the grand old duke of york' with all the actions.. IIRC

The nappy thing is awful, I've tried everything.

Short of giving him a whole pack of chocolate buttons (he eats one then screams until another one is given!) I have found the only thing which works is to give him a bath first, then he is less aggressive but still kicks me in the stomach (I have bruises!)

We're on a water meter so can't be bathing him 3 times/ day!!!

Yes, it does get so much easier, and I just wanted to say don't beat yourself up over the smacked bum and lost temper.

my dd is now 6.5 but when she was about your ds's age I lost it with her and gave her a shove. She had just been to the toilet and her pants were still down, so she had to stagger so as not to fall over from the pressure of the shove and having her pants around her ankles. The image of it haunted me for years until I told a group of people about it, who helped me put it into perspective. We are all only human. Let it go.

And Arsenic's tips sound VERY worth a go wink] I'd also refuse on the ham sandwiches front, to be honest. Try giving him a small version of the family meal, and take it away without comment if he does not eat it. Then only a tiny snack if you really must, until the next meal. They can survive on virtually air, and sometimes use battles over meals as a way to exert some control over their lives. They don't have many other weapons at their disposal at that age. Don't fight him over it. It's so not worth fighting over food. But don't let him win either (which you will if you let him have special meals each time).

if it's any help at all.. did does pass and he's just really getting a peronality and trying it all out.

loads of praise when he's being good as it'll make you both feel better. and don't beat yourself up.

Yes...nappy changes at this age are a nightmare.

I don't smack, but I remember giving poor DS slap on the bare bottom, after he kicked me in the mouth...felt horrible about it for ages.

Now, with DD what works is

1.nappy get changed, no matter what, so even if she's writhing and screaming, I hold her down and get on with it-without any shouting etc, all calm

2.I talk to her in a happy voice, tell her what are we going to do right after etc.

She, admittedly, seems a bit easier to handle than DS.

For food: she eats what we are eating and if she refuses, I might give her a little snack ie fruit or piece of cheese,but only at dinnertime, so she doesn't go to bed hungry, but that's it. Certainly no alternative meal.

For running away...reins or just put up with him screaming in the buggy. If he sees you won't let him out no matter what, he'll stop protesting.

It'll pass...

Does he like books? maybe a new one to hold and 'read' while he's having the nappy change a soft one?? And or as a reward for not wriggling?

Singing is a brill idea as well. Introduce the potty maybe?

Yes I was thinking about the potty but DS is not quite "there" yet - he has very few words - mummy, daddy, nanny, snack and that's about it so I think he needs a bit longer before we try...

This all sounds very very familiar. My DD isn't as bad on the nappy front, but we have had everything else. On other threads here i have seen people recommending a change mat with a belt - would that help.

things htat have helped me are:

• give DD1 notice of what is going to happen (i am going to take you upstairs and change your happy). i think i use to spring stuff on her in case she kicked up a fuss, but letting her know meant that she digested it and was more compliant

-meals - we do what other people here have recommended. DD gets the family meal. if she doesn't eat it no big deal and she just has to sit (roaring) til we have finished and we all have a yoghurt. If she hasn't eaten I give her some toast with her milk before bed.

-hitting, i tell her no hitting and turf her out of the room nad close the door.

-buggy. lots of singing when she is in teh buggy. if she really wants to walk we got the backpack with reins which she much prefers to the other reins. However she does get miffed with this after a while and if she messes around too much it is back in the buggy, despite all howling.

HTHs

I've also been there - it is scary how angry one can feel when confronted with a naughty child.

Nappy changing - mine were like this too. Giving them a book to read sometimes helped. At the moment we sing a song together and this has worked really well. Could you can find something he really likes doing?, whether it's reading, singing, reciting the names of dinosaurs, whatever.

Pushchair - my daughter hates one of my pushchairs and will kick and scream continually in it. However, the other pushchair she likes. I think it's more comfortable and has her in a better position. Could you try out a different pushchair and see if that makes a difference?

I am so glad others have been through similar expereinces.

I would seem all my RL friends have perfect little angels who actually like down with legs in the air awaiting a nappy change !!!

Flourybap I have ordered a change mat with a harness, hopefully that in conjunction with a choc button reward might do the trick!!!!

Yes, reading during the nappy change can help, but I must say, I can't wait till DS is potty trained (fully ).

Food: I am undermined by DH and MIL, who panic if he doesn't eat the same amount every meal... (also trying to feed him like a baby and give him sweet things if he won't have his meal). I'm very sorry to be thankful that MIl has gone away for a few months, so I can let DS realise that if he doesn't eat his meal, that's it. Sorry because, of course, she does it out of love, and he loves her, too. These boundaries seem cruel to her, but I take the view that they only become cruel if he is alternately indulged and cracked down on.

Sorry for that rant

As for pushchairs and crossing the road, there are times when it is not safe for them to be doing something, and they have to be restrained. Pushing your child into a pushchair is defensible, but not continuing the pressure once the locks have clicked. (At that point, they are secure, so must be released).

Do you have a park nearby you, where you could let him run riot? We are very lucky to have a park some 8 mins' walk away, and I have a feeling DS's behaviour would be much worse if we didn't go there so frequently. Sometimes, it is literally twice a day, generally at least once! If you don't have that, perhaps start dancing at home, to use up some energy and repair your relationship.

The last is a very important point; I do worry sometimes about my relationship with DS, although it is draining to feel I have to give everything I've got to make him give it back. However, it does help me to think of his behaviour in terms of our relationship, and hope that I can do something to make him realise I love him, without turning him into a tyrant!

Good luck!

ds did the nappy thing- I followed a technique showed to me by another mum. You have to put the change mat on the floor sit next to them (by the side) put your lower leg over their chest/body and lightly pin them down. Legs flail about still but you are by thier side so don't get hit, hands are free for changing and they can't go any where. It worked for us, and in the end ds gave up with the strugle as he realised he couldn't go any where. The running off thing, you will have to repeatedly tell him that he can walk but if he runs off then he goes in pushchair, it will take 100's of times of doidn this before he gets the gig..... Hang on in their it is a phase

Gossipgirl I have completely lost it with my 2 year old several times in a spectacular fashion as well, when she really pushed my buttons. The guilt is excruciating but it is a very trying time I just try to resolve it afterwards and cuddle etc.

I've seen a good friend sit on her son upside down over chest, with her rear to his face, so she could keep him still enough to change his nappy whilst he writhed and screamed! Probably not the best way to do it but you are not alone!

My DD did go through a stage of being a nightmare to change at nappy time but she has now out grown it, phew!

The Rachel Waddilove, Toddler book has some nice advice in on ideas for tricky behaviour or the Charlie Taylor book call Divas and Dictators is good. Silly title though So maybe do some reading to see if you can form some more ideas for dealing with it all.

I found when I did not have a consistent plan of action for tricky behaviour I was more likely to loose it. Once you choose a method, either naughty step, go to room etc and do it consistently etc you feel more in control etc. They also get used to it as well in a weird way, although the tantrums don't go away they seem bearable in a bizarre way when you know how you're going to deal with it etc. Hmm that probably doesn't make sense, I'm having trouble trying to explain it.

I always try and warn my DD first before I need to do something she is usually problematic with and yes I may offer a treat but I find praise works better with her. Praise even for something small she's done. Asking her to do things to help me, she enjoys and I praise her for.

If she throws a paddy at home I tend to say "you lie there until you calm down, you have a nice rest and then come and find me when you feel better" when she does calm down and find me I say "that was a bit silly, mummy asked you not to do that, as you may get hurt" vary depending on situation and give her a cuddle.

Thing is, what works with one child won't work with another. You could go on a course at your local surestart centre, that maybe a thought?

But trust me, you are not alone on loosing it with your child and feeling terribly guilty after. The fact you feel guilty, shows how much you care and love them.

Sorry it's a bit of a ramble with lots of disjointed ideas and probably full of typos. Sorry

Agree that it is scary how angry you can feel when confronted with a naughty child. And how your reactions can sometimes feel out of control.

I put my 2.5 yo boy on the step as soon as he hits or kicks me - he does it less now, and has actually taken himself to the step when he's done it once before (wasn't sure whether to be pleased or whether he was being cheeky!)

With meals, mine exactly the same, everything I've read about toddlers not eating says it's about control, they won't starve themselves and to just ignore it, it's a phase, they'll grow out of it and def don't offer an alternative to the family meal. So that's what we're doing. Still not grown out of it yet though and very rarely east anything for dinner... I am doing my best not to feel incredibly anxious about it which is difficult isn't it?! I have started giving him a vitamin supplement as well though to go some way to allaying some fears about his not getting the vitamins and minerals he needs.

Mine also started hating the buggy around his 2nd birthday. I got him a bike so he could take himself about on it, weirdly he didn't whizz off scarily far, think he was so pleased to be in control himself that he didn't feel the need to. Counter intuitive, but maybe worth a try? Got any friends who have a toddler bike you could borrow to test the theory out? Apologies if that is the most stupid suggestion you have ever heard!

The main thing with my toddler is distraction, distraction, distraction.I have to pin him down when i do his nappy change but when i do i get him to look at something or point to where something in the room like a little game. I may blow a raspberry on his tummy or give him a little tickle do anything to distract him. Same when we are out shopping with food shopping il pass the stuff to him to put in the trolley or il get a toy off the shelf for him to play with until we get the checkout.Those trikes ar very good to as they can move around more. As for the meals keep giving him what you have if he's hungry he will eat it. Also it seems like you may need time out now and then. Its hard,trying work havin a toddler but it does get better!!!