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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

Oh crumbs! Is this normal?

32 replies

lukewarmcupoftea · 24/03/2010 09:01

I was showing DD1 (2.5y) how take her own PJ top off this morning. After she had taken it off (with a bit of help!), she asked me if I was happy (which is fine, she's been asking whether people/things are happy or sad for a while now). I said yes of course (even though it was blardy early!).

Then she said 'mummy, did I make you happy?' What?? I nearly fell off the chair. I said something along the lines of 'yes, you always make me happy'. Then she said 'yay yay, I took my top off myself, and I made mummy happy'.

Gargh

Is she:
a) normal - just the start of a developmental stage?
b) abnormal - strangely insecure and for some reason focused on making me happy (which is what my immediate reaction was)? And if so what on earth do I do about it?
c) abnormal - amazingly advanced for her age (OK, I know she's not really, but needed a third option, and don't we all secretly think they are geniuses? )

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piratecat · 24/03/2010 09:06

She is starting to have more of a conscience, more of an awareness of what goes on around her, and her ability to cause happy feelings.

Embrace and love it!!!

I know how it can make you feel mother guilt, when they ask after your well being, like you are meant to be the nurturer. Yet, you have to remember she is learning her skills from you! pats on backs all round!

MmeLindt · 24/03/2010 09:10

Bless.

She is learning empathy, and that her actions have an impact on others.

She is normal, and very very sweet.

Original poster
lukewarmcupoftea · 24/03/2010 09:15

Ah, thanks piratecat. Feelings of guilt starting to subside now... Although thinking about it, possibly her awareness of her ability to make me happy has been caused by her recent awful behaviour and me constantly saying 'if you do/don't do XYZ, you are going to make mummy very cross'!

That's just reminded me of a while ago, when she was probably about 18 months old, she was having breathing problems and we were in the car on the way to A&E. I turned round and gave her a big reassuring smile (but secretly checking to see she wasn't going blue), and she said 'don't worry mummy'. How on earth she could tell I don't know. They are such sensitive things aren't they?

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piratecat · 24/03/2010 09:20

aw gosh, I feel all teary now. she sounds very aware and sensitive, much like my little one, (who is nearly 8 --sobs)!!

I remember feeling that dd was truly the love of my life at this sort of age!!

MmeLindt · 24/03/2010 09:24

Aw, she really does sound lovely, and very attuned to your feelings.

Original poster
lukewarmcupoftea · 24/03/2010 09:32

Aw thanks both of you. She is exceedingly sweet, and very funny as well. And a complete horror of course.

It certainly is my favourite age so far, which is just as well as I really wasn't keen on the whole baby thing!

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piratecat · 24/03/2010 09:40

i know where you are coming from!

It gets better and funnier at this sort of age. Too damn cute too!!

MmeLindt · 24/03/2010 09:46

I kept saying 'This is my favourite age' and they keep growing and I keep changing my mind.

piratecat · 24/03/2010 09:52

mme ikwym.

My dd is nearly 8, and I like this age, tho she seems to slipping away, very slightly at times.

Original poster
lukewarmcupoftea · 24/03/2010 09:57

but they stay this way for ever don't they?

[in complete denial that am going to have to face the teenage years at some point]

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piratecat · 24/03/2010 10:06

I look at my dd and see 'baby'!! The conversations just become more engaging, and we have alot of fun.

I still kiss her and sniff her cheeks, which I think she enjoys really

TulipsInTheRain · 24/03/2010 10:10

dd asks about 200 times a day 'Mommy, am i being good today?'

impossible to answer as i've tried the 'You're always good [dd], somtimes you do naughty things but you're always good' but she still keeps asking.... makes me feel horrible!

Original poster
lukewarmcupoftea · 24/03/2010 11:32

Have you ever been tempted to turn around and say 'no you blardy well aren't!'?

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TulipsInTheRain · 24/03/2010 11:37

no [innocent expression]

[i may have stooped as far as 'what do you think? do you think i'm shouting because you're being so good?!']

CharlieBoo · 24/03/2010 12:36

Ah, yes she is learning that things she does/ doesn't do make you happy/sad/cross etc. My ds is 5 and still loves to make me happy by surprising me with already havingput his pjs on etc. Other times he can also make me mad when I have to ask him 2000 times to put them on Lol. Very cute x

NinthWave · 24/03/2010 12:39

Hahahaha Tulips, that sounds about right!

If my DS gets told off, he demands "Mummy cry?" and I have to say "no, I'm not crying, but I am cross" - of course I am no longer cross as he is hanging round my neck and kissing my cheeks saying "Don't cry Mummy, it's okay!" and generally being too cute to argue with. Gah!

mrsbabookaloo · 24/03/2010 12:48

I was being a bit short and impatient with dd, who is 3 and a half, yesterday on the way back from nursery, and she said "Did you have a tough day mummy? Did you have a hard time at work?" which was very sweet of her, but I also felt a bit sad that she knows that sometimes I'm not really coping!

Original poster
lukewarmcupoftea · 24/03/2010 13:33

Do you think they really think that in depth though mrsbabookaloo? Or just know that that is the kind of thing that gets said when tempers are a bit frayed? I don't mean they don't feel and show concern, but isn't it more sort of superficial (not sure if that's really what I'm trying to say), i.e. a fleeting 'oh dear mummy's sad, are you OK, oh look there's a red car, where's my sweets that you promised?'. Rather than thinking about the wider situation, and that mummy's having a hard time doing everything that needs to be done.

Its a genuine question - I don't know, mine aren't that old yet and I'm interested to know how their thinking develops.....

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ppeatfruit · 25/03/2010 10:49

Lukewarm.. I think yr DD is picking up on yr. slightly critical opinion of her 'complete horror ' "awful behaviour'

if you can think of her negativeness as learning how to grow she's so young [remember she 's not been here before]. You wouldn't want a perfect little doll would you?

maybe she feels the need for unconditional acceptance.

Sorry to go on; she does sound extremely bright. .

Original poster
lukewarmcupoftea · 25/03/2010 11:33

Erm, ppeatfruit, have you got toddlers?! Of course they behave awfully and horribly sometimes, and mums of toddlers make jokes about it to try to avoid sounding completely PFB about their brilliant children who do no wrong.

When she behaves badly - which is not the majority of the time, but as I say, she's a toddler, so is fairly often - I have to explain why that's not acceptable, or tell her off if she persists (in fact SHE asks ME what the boundaries are, and tries to take herself off to her room or whatever). She has my unconditional love and I show her that all the time, but what she does not have is my unconditional acceptance of every food bowl she tries to throw or everytime she hits me or her baby sister.

Sorry, I probably sound really narky and that's because I'm currently having a completely unrelated email spat with my boss about going back to work... Sorry, I just wanted to clarify that I think I'm really quite a balanced parent all in all!

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ppeatfruit · 25/03/2010 12:30

Yes I had 3 of my own and have been a nanny /minder to 4 over the years,

of course they need boundaries; ones they can understand,I'm not a drippy let them walk all over me type. (although it may sound like that !!)

It's just that sometimes DCs need to go through certain stages eg (like putting hands in their food 'cos they don't place any emotional value on it, they don't cook it !!) so telling them off for normal toddler behaviour is not going to work.

Good luck with the boss!!

Original poster
lukewarmcupoftea · 25/03/2010 12:44

ppeatfruit, you are inferring behaviour here from just one or two words, which can easily lead to errant conclusions when you don't know the people involved.

I don't tell my daughter off for normal toddler behaviour, no matter how much I have to poke my own eyes out to put up with it. As I mentioned above, I tell her off for the stuff that can't and shouldn't be ignored, when she knows she is crossing the line and does it anyway (mostly to test how far she can go at the moment) - physical violence, damaging property. You know, the stuff that could land her with no friends and maybe in jail later in life. Reasonable, no?

I also never said that the way in which I discipline my children (well, child as the baby is far too young) is ineffective.

I would hesitate before jumping to conclusions if I were you, unless you are trying to pick an argument? In which case you've really caught me on the wrong day

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 25/03/2010 12:56

could she be jealous of her new sis. ?

Sorry i didn't mean to wind you up.

Original poster
lukewarmcupoftea · 25/03/2010 13:00

OK, I'm backing away from the thread now.

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IwishIwerewitty · 25/03/2010 13:07

Well I think this interesting as my DS who is 3.5 asks if I still love him when I tell him off. It really upsets me actually as I think he should think of my love as unconditional.
I have never said anything that would imply my love will stop and I tell him that I always will and that nothing will ever stop me from loving him.
The first time he did it I got quite upset so I wonder if he is saying it trying to get the same reaction?
I don't know - it just makes me feel sad.