Gender confusion from 4/5 yr old girl

[Aquarose]

My daughter insists on wearing boys clothes, playing or at least asking for boys only toys. She tells other children she is a boy and says she only likes boy things. I am getting concerned that this isn't just a phase as it seems to be becoming an obsession and dominating her thoughts. It has got progressively worse for 16 months now.

We are extremely worried her behaviour might be a sign of something more long lasting (gender dysphoria) as she seems more and more at odds with being a girl. It is very upsetting for us as we are very worried about what the future might hold for her. We have a very suppoertive family but wonder if anyone has experienced this or has suggestions of support groups etc?

I can't offer any expert advice, no, but my now-11 year old boy was adamant that he was a girl (called Zoe or sometimes Evie) at 4, and still intermittently insisting on wearing dresses at 8 or 9. He would get very distressed if we treied to persuade him out of it, even once he was old enough to realise that the other boys would rip him to pieces about it.

We (well, I, as DH was not on board with this) decided he couldn't wear dresses to school or down the road, but could dress up at home without criticism. In fact, what he really seemed to crave was certain colours and textures, and the chance to play different roles, so we've gone with a lot of drama classes and letting him rummage in charity shops for silk ties and fancy waistcoats, and the actual cross dressing seems to be a thing of the past. He's still very much an individual, but seems a happy one atm.

Do you know why your daughter wants to be a boy? Maybe she thinks she has to be a boy to do 'boy things' (grr at the very gender-stereotyped world we still seem to live in).

I think it may be a bit early to make assumptions about this persisting, but it's great that you and your family will be supportive in any case.

Sorry I don't have any advice per se, but have witnessed the aftermath at the other end, where a friend who only just now (aged 30) has finally decided to officially change gender. It has been a long hard road for him (now her) and he bitterly regrets not doing something about it sooner (i.e. pre-puberty) as he could have started hormone therapy sooner, and ended up with a body shape that isn't so definitely male. He has also suffered from severe depression over it.

With your daughter, it might be all about getting to do the boy things that are so much fun, on the other hand if it is something deeper I think it is right to try to see what you could do to help with that now. I have no idea about the exact help available, but could you discuss it with your GP and see about a referral to a specialist gender consultant or similar? If you feel your GP is just brushing it off (and 16 months worth does seem like more than just a phase), then try another until you get what you need. Your family sound great and she is lucky to have you all on board for her.