WHINGING TODDLER!! PLEASE HELP!!

[SOULofLOVE]

This is my first thread on Mumsnet. I am not sure where to go for advise and reassurance and thought Mums would be a good first step. My toddler (3 in june), has a default setting of WHINE!!! Every tiny thing will set him off. I know, I know, there must be gazillions of threads on this topic. What is scaring me is how it makes me feel. I work 3 days a week and so on my days off i want to spend quality time with him and do fun stuff (toddler groups, swimming, cycle rides etc). I tend to arrange the whole day around him (learnt thru bitter experience!) but things often go pear shaped when I'm around friends and out in public. Its so embarrassing when you're looking around and the only child being a pain is yours! I have lost count with how often that has happened. I have tried all the tactics of ignoring/being calm/getting him to ask nicely/1,2,3/naughty step et etc. But sometimes i just boil over and find myself unable to cope. I have frequently pulled into a lay by after a whining/screaming session in which he's cried himself to sleep, to have good cry myself! That cant be normal? I've never had panic attacks but it soemtimes feels like I really cant cope. DS is a beautiful extremely chatty funny little boy and I love him fiercely, but I can't handle feeling like this on a regular basis.. Friends say this phase will pass but he's been like this since he was about 5 months!!!
Advise on how to be come out of this with my sanity intact would be greatly appreciated!!!

It's hard, I know, not from my own son but from an 8mths old baby I look after. His default setting seems to be stuck on 'cry'. Every time I put him down, he cries. He cries in the pram, in the high chair, in the bouncy chair. It drives e potty and It's so stressful, especially as I have to care for another child as well as my own toddler, that I've told the mum I'm ending the contract.

I'm sure he will grow up to be a whiney toddler. I don't really have any advice for you other than I'm sure he will grow out of it. Some babies and toddlers are content, some are anxious and whiney.

I really feel for you and I wish I could give you some advice other than to ignore it as much as possible, and just enjoy the times he isn't whining. Maybe it's tiredness/low blood sugar/thirst? Can he communicate well? If not, maybe you could try learning some signs with him?

Could you sit him on your lap when you are talking with friends and read a book with him? Maybe he's feeling left out or jealous? Have you got some books/toys in the car that he can play with?

It is normal. Sometimes the difficulty is that they can't tell you what it is they are wanting, they try, they fail, they get upset and the noise starts.

Toddler time-scale is different to adult time-scale. Their attention wanders much quicker, they forget what they are going next. Try to remember to go at a slower pace... slow down to toddler pace - it can also help sometimes to get to their eye level... see things differently.

Grapes - They are currently the thing I carry around with me much of the time. They seem to help calm a whiney toddler - well, sometimes If the toddler I care for gets whiney, I find sitting down next to him and both of us eating an handful of grapes helps us both to calm down - probably also helps our blood sugar level.

I've sat on the floor in a shopping centre many a time over the years I've been caring for children. It's just part of the way life is with a toddler. Various things can trigger their outbursts... while you may be able to spot some triggers, you probably won't spot them all... and avoiding them all is next to impossible. So when your DS (short for Darling Son) kicks off... Stop, Sit, Wait - and get the grapes out!

thankyou to the two members above for your kind wise words. No-one ever said parenting would be easy! x

DD1 was like this, and still is a bit - aged nearly 5. I absolutely sympathise. It is so exhausting. Everything seems like such hard work and it can be enormously emotionally draining to do something simple like go to the shops. It's certainly got better (slowly) with time for us, but some things I've learnt are:

It's worse when she's hungry or tired. My mood is bad when my blood sugar's low and I think she's the same - so try a snack when you seem to be heading for a meltdown.

Hold off as much as possible on criticisms/punishments/sanctions. They don't seem to work. (I do make her go to her room if she does something bad like hurting her sister, but not just for whining, screaming, etc, however awful)

Be Ms-super-smiley-positive when he's being positive and fun and hope he gets the message that that's a better way to be.

Accept that your house will be much messier than those of friends who have easier and more contented children!

It does get better :-)

He probably misses you when your working, so when he's with you he wants to make the most of being with you too, only he can't express that set of emotions yet without whining.

So he wants to do all these things with you (probably with an element of also doing things his way) but its quite tiring for him.

As nannynick says, slow down. make sure you have plenty of time for whatever activity your doing. If your going to change activity (i.e. go home) give plenty of warning. 'ds we have to go home in 5 mins', then '2 more mins' etc so he knows its coming.

Bear in mind that whining is usually for a reason, tiredness, hunger etc. DS can say that he's not hungry, but his behaviour has been known to dramatically improve when fed a cereal bar on a day out. You say yoursef that he screamed himself to sleep, he was probably just really tired. Factor in some downtime to your day, a cuddle and book on the sofa etc.

Let him make some choices, so he feels he has some control over things, i.e. if he's whining that he doesn't want to put his shoes on, say something like 'which shoes are you going to wear, your trainers or your wellies' (or whatever).

Oh, and its often heard on here "pick your battles". "Dont sweat the small stuff" and "this to will pass"

It's really hard isn't it! I'm the same, I work 4 days a week and want my days off with my DS to be lovely, instead they can often turn into a nightmare. All this advice is good but I have also found if you go to groups or anywhere with your LO, try to go earlier in the morning ie 9-10.30 rather than 10.30-12. And maybe factor in a bit of one-on-one time at the park to offset any chores or stuff you've got to get done around the house. Toddler Taming is a brilliant book, it advises that most behaviour we complain about is actually normal toddler behaviour and if whiney, 10 mins of 'A1' attention can work wonders, like sitting down with them and reading a book, then distract and get them started on another activity like some drawing or playing with favourite toys before you go off again. And being relentlessly cheery in your toddler chat can really help, I sing a lot just to keep myself cheery too sometimes! And it helps to distract them with ongoing chatter 'oooh, look what's that...' etc if you've got to get them into a car seat/change their nappy/get them dressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm putting on some sort of show from the moment I get up! Good luck though it's horrible and really difficult to deal with.

wow, being new to this site i didn't know there were so so many lovely caring sympathetic people out there! thank you for taking the time to give your advice. God knows we have precious little time as it is!! x

I found (my son is now nearly 5 ()) that I could sometimes bypass the whinge by making him laugh - usually required silly antics by me (you're a mother, that's what your job is, so don't worry if you feel you're making a fool out of yourself, if it improve matters for you, who cares!!!) or tickling (not lots, just tiny amounts)(its very difficult whinging if you're also trying not to laugh). If distraction techniques didn't work I would sometimes join in... still do now - its amazing how soon he stops and starts laughing . But then, there are also times when the only thing to do is encourage a nap - tiredness for ds is the key to this sort of thing - and he often fought against having a nap, but once he'd had one we were all fine again.