Shy baby (extreme stranger anxiety)

[danpige]

My DD is nearly 9 months and her stranger anxiety is just getting worse and I just don't now how to deal with it/her.
She was quite a crying baby and for the first 3 months of her life I did used to carry her a great deal. But the last 6 months and especially the last 3 months she has been much more contended at home and is happy to play/be by herself for 30 min which I think is quite good. But if we have any visitors or we are out she is just terrible. I have to either carry her or sit with her on my lap. I go to 2 different toddler groups where there are other babies who she seen lots of times but she just crys if I leave her side. (Even just sit on a chair, rather than sit on the floor with her between my legs) If someone visits our house, even friends she knows, she gets hysterial everytime I leave her side. The only people she is happy to be in the house is my dh and her big brother who is 4. When my parents came to stay recently it took her 3 days before I could leave the room without her. Even if someone just looks at her she crys. I just don't know how to deal with it? And I think the worse thing is that its getting worse, I can see every week she seem to be that be worse with strangers. Help

dd was the same at that age and it also seemed as if it was getting worse. I spoke to a HV and she said I could try and force her to get used to people by leaving her with people she knew but wasn't bonded with or I could just leave her to develop at her own pace and just give her reassurance.

I opted for the second option and now she is 2.4 and a confident happy little girl. This morning she had a chat with a couple od old ladies in the park, and althouth that might not seem a big deal to most parents, I was over the moon as it shows how far she has come. I think from about 18 months onwards she has started to grow in confidence.

Some people still scare her and she trys to hide behind me but I encourage her to speak to them and the more her vocal ability grows the more confident she seems.

It just took time and encouragment with dd. I remember how difficult it is when they are screaming and clinging on for dear life just because someone smiled at them.

Fingers crossed for you

my ds was like that too, I also went back to work which exacerbated the problem.
I think he quite possibly cried all day (or at least most of it) when I was at work. It was a VERY stressful time. He is now nearly 3 and much improved and goes to nursery not exactly with a smile on his face but at least without crying but it has taken a long time to get to this point.

I recommend option 2 of threeguesses post as I did option one (through necessity rather than choice) and it did make problem worse.

He is still a shy child though and (for example) won't make eye contact when strangers speak to him. Sits on my lap during storytime etc.

My older dd was much more extrovert so he has been a shock to my system!

I too went back to work when dd was 9 months but was lucky enough to be able to leave her with dh (the only other person she didn't cry with) as we worked opposite shifts.

I echo what molly says about sitting on my lap during storytime, dd never really strays far which at least means she was never a runner so no need for reigns, and people often comment how good she is as she will always sit still next me and never want to get down and run wild, although I know the real reason is shyness!

I am anxious about the coming year as she will be starting nursery and I wonder how she will cope with being left. Guess it's just one step at a time with a shy child.

Ds was like this until he was about a year old. Terrified of Granny, my Dad, my sister. Randomly he would be OK with some people. Took a long time to get him settled into nursery, but it was worth it and he's such a sociable happy little boy now..

Try leaving her for very short periods of time. e.g. leaving her with with someone for 2 mins while you pop to the loo or something. She'll eventually get the idea that you're not going to vanish forever, and that you will always come back for her.. but it may well take a while.

Good luck

Molly you are scaring me now? I'm due back at work in a few weeks. My dh will have her a few days a week but the rest of the time she will go to a childminder. I have been introducing her slowly and she had her first day yesterday and she cried for the first 3 hours and then settled. I'm worried but think she will properly settle as its just one person to get used to. But there is still the problem of all the other people...
JarethTheGoblinKing and threeguessess, how do you support your child? There are times when its just not possible sit with her or carry her.

I look back and remember the stage of between 8-15 months as being the absoulute hardest with dd. I found it much harder than the newborn stage (I think mainly because I expected it as a newborn but wasn't prepared for it with an older baby)

I actually stopped going to groups because it was too stressful for her and me. Instead I became very friendly with another mum and fell into a pattern of meeting her either at my house or her house. It took ages but dd realy started to bond with her and her ds, and it really helped bring her confidence out. I can't really under estimate how much that helped dd, I think it helped her to learn trust others than just me and dh.

Other than that it really is just time and grinning and bearing when inside you feel like tearing your hair out!

Oh, dd strted walking late, about 16 months. At first she wouldn't even walk past a prk bench with someone sat on it but the more she walked the more she grew in confidence, and the more she talks the more her confidence with strangers grows. Like I said earlier it was a real achievment that she told the lady in the park that she had been on the swings without being prompted. So with ech milestone dd gets easier.

And many children thrive in nursery, so maybe it will do your dd the world of good.

And there is a positive side, you say that after three days you were able to leave the room, which is progress

Just re read your post and realised it's childminder not a nursery. That's even better. Learning to trust the childminder could be the break through you need.

constant reassurance, millions of cuddles when needed. But I'm not (and will never be) one of those Mum's who take their DC to the bathroom with them (unless in public)

Sometimes I did just have to leave him for a minute or two crying (answering the door, going to the loo, etc)

it's really really really hard.

So a few hard months ahead, not looking forward to it. It can be hard to remember my lovely girl who is underneath all this crying. Thanks for your support

Just thought I update this a few weeks on in case anyone else has this problem.
Just after I wrote the last post I had the oppertunity to go away for 4 nights without the children. My DH had the kids. My DD coped so well, beyond all our expectations. She was happy and my DH did really well with her. And after this she has just changed, she coped much better with visitors. She is clingy for about 5 minutes and then just seem to accept that this new person is okay and plays and interact with them. She would never have done this in the past (3 weeks ago). She is not as clingy with me and is coping well at the child minders (Still crys for 5 minutes when I leave but happy for the rest of the day) She still finds toddler groups difficult but this is the only place where she is unhappy.
I know it sounds a bit extreme but I would recommend to anyone else with the same problem to have a break away from your DC (leaving with someone they trust) I'm amazed by the change in her, she is like the person I always knew was underneath all the crying.

that's great to hear

my dd is almost 2 and had pretty extreme stranger anxiety from around 8-9 months. She used to get quite hysterical if visitors came to the house and either cry or stare out people who spoke to her outside the home. Dh cared for her when I went back to work when she was 6m old, which meant she wasn't so dependent on me. We now have a 6m old ds, who she adores. She has attended nursery 2 days a week for the last few months and she loves it. I can see her confidence growing day by day, especially since she can now walk confidently, run and jump, and her speech is starting to come on too. I never thought I would see the day where she would be fine without either of us for the whole day, but it's true.

I'm sure your dd will continue to improve!