Toddler aggressive with little kids or when shy - what to do?

[Annya]

DS, just 3, is going through a stage of over exuberance/aggressiveness with other kids, especially smaller ones.

He will go up to a child and hug them really hard, or grab their arms and squeeze them tightly, or just push them. I tell him he is being too rough and it will scare or hurt the other child but this seems to have little affect.

I am beginning to dread taking him to groups as I have to watch him like a hawk to try to prevent this but I know we should continue because he has to learn to play properly with other children.

I think sometimes when he feels overwhelmed or shy this comes out negatively - he screeches or pushes or hits out at me. With adults or children.

How should I deal with this? I don't feel I'm getting through. He says sorry to me when he can see I am cross but I am pretty sure he is only saying it because he thinks it will please me.

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I wish I could help, but I'm also going through this. Ds who is just gone 2 but very advanced for his age has always been over exuberant. He can be so sweet when at home and it's just us and his Dad but when we meet with friends or go to toddler groups he gets over excited and plays a bit too rough.

It makes me so sad when I see it written all over another mums face, some obviously think that he's out of control or that i'm not dealing with his behaviour correctly.

It's so difficult when meeting with friends and their children as they want to chat but I dont feel I can take my eyes off ds for a minute for fear that he'll be pushing, grabbing toys etc. He is also going through a 'mine' and 'no' stage - which is exhausting.

It doesn't help that my two closest friends with the same age children have totally chilled laid back toddlers - just makes me feel all the worse. I honestly cant see what i am doing differently than them... maybe we were just blessed with children that were always going to be hard work.

I don't have any advice that really really works. For a while we have had sticker charts both at home and at the childminders which did work but only short term.

My DS2 who is just 3years old has been like this for several months now - I have stopped going to singing or playgroup as he just 'picks' on any child younger than him either by taking a toy, pushing them over, shouting or blowing rasberries at them. Any 'baby' ie a child in a buggy he say's he hates! I am just so embarassed by his behaviour.

I think/hope it is because he is the youngest and therefor he is making his presence felt in the world.

I am at a loss as the more I have tried to address the behaviour the worse it seems to have got........

Ah yes aggressive raspberry blowing - I know it only too well!

My son will start pre school in September so at least he'll be on a par with the other kids age and size wise so perhaps that will make him think twice or at least he'll learn pretty quickly what it's like to be on the receiving end!

Forgot to add - the one ray of hope - when he goes to playgroup with his childminder he is apparently nice as pie. So at least he can be nice, even if he doesn't choose to be sometimes...

you are not alone my DS 3 in may is just the same, in fact i only joined mumsnet recently to get advice on this and because it was really getting me down
it seems there's alot of them that do this (usually boys) about. My son hits and pushes children (of any age....babies to 6 yr olds)for no reason, I have to watch him ALL THE TIME and it's exhausting. when it's just the two of us he is sooo chilled and lovely
I'm told it's just a phase and he'll grow out of it, I always tell him off and make him aplogise to his 'victim' sometime use the naughty step
I do wonder if me (being very stressed) around him actually makes him worse because when he goes to nursey and playgroups he doesn't do it?????!!!!
so chin up and hang in there, you are not alone

Cheers mummywhiz and everyone for advice and encouragement. It's nice to know I'm not the only with a little tasmanian devil!

Annya - my DS2 is also started pre-school in Sept and I hold the same hope as you that once he is with his pears he will learn what he needs to do to make friends and that he can't laud it over the younger children.

He has responded well to stickers and rewards after an incident where he threw sand in another mindee's face and then 'high fived' them in the face too (his use of words to get out of it!)

But after 3 weeks off the charts he is back to the bloody raspberries at everyone and everything!