Dd (3.5) already showing signs of bitchy devisive behaviour with her nursery friends, what to do?

[minxofmancunia]

Dd is popular and can be lovely but I've noticed in a group of girls the divisive bitchy "you're not my friend" crap is starting already at the age of 3!! And she's usually the perpetrator which makes me really bloody ashamed!

If she's with more than one she tries to syphone one off and and gang up on the other one. I HATE HATE HATE this type of behaviour amongst grils and women especially as I was bullied like this until I was 17 years old at school from the age of 6, in fact the b**ch continued but i had other friend by then so didn't care so much. I cannot stand the thought of dd being like this esp as she can be so lovely. It doesn't happen when she's with boys, and she's very good at making friends.

I asked at parents consultation at nursery recently if they'd noticed this there and they siad quite the opposite so that's a relief. it's just when she has friends round here. She's also very argumentative with her mates and very directive, gets in a bit of a frenzy if things don't go her way. She's also v invasive of their personal space and a bit "in your face" with them. she's SO the opposite of me, painfully shy as a kid, hardly said a word to anyone apart from my parents and couldn't stand anyone near me!

I've put a ban on having more than one friend round at once for the tiem being and only for 2 hours at a time as it's so stressful DH was inviting 3 plus firneds round for whole afternoons at one point at the weekend, hell on Earth.

She really does seem to love her friends though and copes very badly when it's time for them to leave/us to leave running off/hiding/tantrums etc.

I'm worried on 2 counts, 1 that she'll end up with no friends and 2 that she'll end up being a bully when she starts school.

Advice and tips please??

Ok, firstly, feel your pain re the bullying, mine went to junior and senior school with me - deep joy!

So far so good re the fact that you've picked it up so early but do you think she is just stamping her authority on the girls in her class, trying to be top dog if you like? The fact that school haven't picked up on it is a sign that she is not the evil little madam you may think, just that maybe she's more confident about what she wants from people these days? It does sound quite normal re the whole "you're not my friend thing"......

It's also good that you are limiting the number of friends that come over - stop the situation before it occurs etc......

Have you spoken to her about what she is saying to these children? About it being "nasty" or "mean"? Does she do it when it's 1:1?

I find your use of the word 'already' quite suggestive. Let's face it, you are not looking at this from the point of view of your dd and of the stage she is at, in which case you'd be more likely to say "she has not yet developed enough social skills". You are projecting your own experiences, which sound horrible, but which are actually nothing at all to do with your dd.

She is so little. Your job is to teach her and guide her and help her to behave the best she can at the stage she is at. But she will go through many stages, (hopefully) learn lots and change many times.

Yes, being like that at the age of 17, or even 10, would be very unfortunate and potentially bullying. But you have no evidence that that's going to be your dd. Do you even know what your tormentors were like when they were 3? Perhaps they were sweet little things.

she's not being bitchy she's being 3! One friend at a time sounds like a good plan to save your sanity.Maybe meet up with other friends in soft play or the park?

I agree with Cory, you are letting your (horrible) experiences cloud your vision of her behaviour.

Talk to her about her feelings. Ask her how she feels when someone is nasty to her, how she thinks the other girl feels.

There are exercises that you can do with her to discuss feelings with her.

She has to learn to express her feelings, that it is ok to do so but she also has to learn empathy.

Whilst this isnt a behaviour you want to encourage I think thinking of it as bitchy is really not helpful.

Ds has a friend who does this. I think it is just an extension of 'that toys mine not yours'.

By all means explain its not nice to hurt people's feelings and try and encourage 'nice' behaviour but please dont label your child so young and dont worry about it. She is normal imo.

Am reading with interest. I currently have a thread about my dd (same age) being on the recieving end of this sort of thing.

It is difficult because as others have said it is not bitchy or bullying. They are too little for it to be that. It's not nice for the left out child though, and does need to be nipped in the bud.

Talking to your dd about being feelings and being a good friend, and limiting the number of friends over sounds like a winner.

Thanks for the very helpful advice, it's true I'm supersensitive to this sort of thing!

I think i'll try to do a bit of work with her around feelings and behaviours. She's v empathic (obviously in a primitive way) when another child gets hurt or has a tantrum, friends of mine have been trying to ignore/time out theor dc when having a meltdown and dd is usually ther saying "it's alright, don't worry" and stroking their hair!

Also she's been persistently attacked (physically) by another girl at nursery yet still wants to be friends with her, and she doesn't retaliate either physically, just shouts "that's not nice!" at her.

I think 3 is definitely a crowd where dd is concerned, i think when she's with 2 of her friends it trigers some emotion in her and the only way she can deal with it is by this sort of behaviour. DH goes mad for inviting people round at the weekend which drives me mad as i's mess, stress and hard work when I want a bit of a break. Also feel that sometimes she doesn't get enough downtime just playing quietly on her own, reading/craft stuff with me or just chilling watching a dvd.

Sounds like a plan