My son idolises another child

[Walkingwiththighosaurs]

Was not sure what subject to put this under so apologies.

My son who is very sensitive and shy has always had a close friendship with a another child at school. It has been noticed by the teachers and myself that DS literally idolises this child to the point that he gets upset when this child sits with other children. This tbh is not my main concern. This child seems to be the "leader of the gang" so to speak. He literally dictates who sits with him at lunch time he seems to be incredibly popular and lots of the other boys seem to follow him.

My problem is with the way he now treats DS. He seems to pick him up and drop him at will as a friend and only yesterday said he was "tired" of sitting next to my DS. DS said "he let me sit down eventually" I am horrified that my DS lets another child treat him like this.

I have suggested that DS plays with other children but he won't hear of it. They have these made up clubs at lunch time and he was allowed to join but was then chucked out because another child wanted to join. DS asked if he could pull up a chair to listen and they said no.

DS seems to be turning into a loaner, this child that was once a friend now does not seem to want to know him, the trouble is other children have now formed friendships so DS is left on his own now.

It makes me want to cry to think that DS is sitting on his own to eat his lunch because some child has deemed he cannot sit on the table with them.

I had a word with the teacher yesterday as I was in a parent evening, he said DS was a lovely kind and caring child very polite and very popular. I really don't think he sees the whole picture. He did say he would keep an eye out at lunchtime though.

DS seems to have no self esteem, it is as if he is frightened of rejection, he finds it hard to make new friends and I really don't know why.

Just some kind words of advice if anyone has any would help.

I really feel DS is being kind of bullied.

I also suggested (perhaps wrongly) that DS treats him the same way, he said but I wouldn't have any friends then! He is so lovely his friends don't deserve him.

I went through this with my DS - he was desperate to be best friends with this child - he became obsessed with him and it used to drive me up the bloody wall!

The child wasnt nasty like this though i dont think. But DS was going through a time where he was stuggling at school and finding class work really really tough.

This other child was a friend of the family so would not have been directly horrible to him but it was so wearing to hear about how wonderful this child was day in day out and the friendship was never returned as much.

Cant offer any advice tbh - we asked the teachers to keep them apart as much as possible and our DS moved school so didnt see as much of him

Its very hard to see it happening though - all i can suggest is keep encouraging other friendships as much as you can and keep boosting his confidence

I went through this with my dd - when the madam concerned dropped her like a stone she was completely destroyed - it was very hard indeed.

I have no advice except carry on doing as you are and have another word with the teacher is you feel there is no improvement - we went to a very small school so it was a horrible problem - we did move schools actually but not because of this problem.

Perhaos after school activites not with other children from school but different people might widen his horizons - i do think though it is sometimes just a stage that children go through in finding their limits with friendships and is a natural thing - not very nice to watch though and I cried many a tear for her

gosh doesn't it break your heart, I'm sure you want to be a bouncer in his playground,

but it sounds like all part of growing up to me, why don't you arrange another friend of his choice to come for tea after school, keep up his self esteem and defo encourage other friendships that's all you can do as his mummy I'm afraid lots of luck

Snap tarty - DD went through the same and her "friend" was a right little vicious madam! Veruca Salt looks like an angel compared to this one! My DD couldn't see it though which made me sad. I think her parents would give her a huge bowl of eveil for breakfast each day as her mother was the same.

No real advice other than give him lots of hugs when he's upset about this boy and maybe try to guide him towards other children in the class? Your DS sounds adorable though......

Thankws everyone, it's nice to have such great support. I have tried to steer him away to other children, but the problem is he is in year 5 so they have all forged strong friendships. It's a bit like he has been dumped and there is no-one else for him. He is very interested in doing some street dancing at our local dance school so I am going to try and get him in there. He is not good at making new friends though, but he has to start somewhere!

He is adorable Mouseface, (although he has his less adorable moments!!) I could have burst with pride when his teacher was talking about him. I think that is what makes it harder, if he was one of these kids that was a bit hard and nasty I would think your getting a bit of your own medicine but he's not and he is being walked all over.

One of the sayings I am always telling him is "It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice" Just wish some of the other kids would realise this.

Bless his heart

My DD changed once she moved into year 6. She kinda saw this girl for what she was and moved on so hopefully, this horrid brat will be left to his own devices soon enough.

wwd - we have this with our son, it is a nightmare that hs been noted by several families in the class,
we have an alpha male who is determined to have followers but he picks them up and drops them at will and is a nasty piece of work. I know we shouldn't really "dislike" young children but I can't find anything to like.

We have just been trying to build stronger friendships between the children in the class lots of play dates to secure friendships so when ine of them is being left out they want to go and play with that person and less about the alpha male.

The teacher is well aware of it but tdate not alot that we have tried has helped at all.
It is heart breaking to see their emotions manipulated so much

Thanks Mouseface. I hope DS does the same and realises the power this boy has over him. I've told him to say to him "don't talk to me like that" and walk away. I've tried to explain that the boy will be shocked if he thinks DS doesn't "need" him. Oh well I will keep trying to convince him.

BTPOGS - we had no help from her teacher although she was made very aware that this girl was upsetting many apple carts within the class, it's very sad when you have no support within the school where your child spends a huge chunk of their day.

Sounds like a similar child Bythepower, only I don't think the other mothers are aware of the situation. Perhaps my DS is being oversensitive. Some kids are just so confident and assertive that they just don't seem to worry about things like this.

He says he is always the last child to be picked by the teams in football, I actually cried when he told me this because this used to happen to me and it has stayed with me forever.

that is just it,, they spend so much time together! There is one child that has had this treatment once.. and I am sadly hoping it happens again. his mum's reaction was perfect and I wish I could be her. She said she would go straight to the mother and make it clear that her son't behaviour was not acceptable and that as his mother it was her responsibility to educate her child about social stuff.

Dont think your the only one feeling like this.

Weve had similar at our house too,to a point whereby Id spoken to the teacher and the head and still my ds was being 'snubbed'(he wasnt hero worshipping another child though another unpleasant boy was buyllying my son and forcing children not to play with him)the only way I solved it was every day at lunchtime Id go and stand at the fence and chat to ds so he wasnt alone then one day the head came over and said she had no idea how bad it was and she would sort it out(she did) but funnily enough this was only when Id taken a friend along with me at lunchtime.......somebody very important at the education offices who the head recognised .

Not sure I am that brave bythepower, I think DS gets his shyness from me. I know the mother personally and she would be horrified, but would she believe it. I have to say that DS very rarely lies, but some of the whoppers some of them come out with are hysterical.

On a ligher note, one child not the one in question, told DS his dad owned Mclaren racing in F1. How an earth he thought he would be believed I can't imagine! He's 10yo FGS.

Good for you nickschick, I have thought about hiding in the bushes and watching, but I don't think it would make pleasant viewing and I am liable to come running out and wallop speak to certain children for being brats!

Hi wwt, you have my utmost sympathies. It is absolutely horrific to go through this, and imo it's out and out bullying. My ds has gone through very similar thing (I have actually posted about him on other threads, so in case anyone has read them and thinks I have some sort of compulsion to post constantly, sorry! it's just another issue we have/are going through with him.

We spoke to the school, who spoke to the "golden boy" about his behaviour, and it helped to a huge extent. However we do recognise and are about to embark on some help for my ds, to build social skills etc. His teacher said to us "It's an equation, and your son is a factor in the equation", which was difficult to hear, but long term be of the most benefit to ds and to us.

Good luck!