2 year old DS angry and hysterical - about cat?

[MamaGoblin]

Our beloved family cat had to be put down, very unexpectedly, yesterday morning. DS came with us to the vet, because we were in a hurry, it was first thing in the morning, and there was nobody available to leave him with. He saw her thrashing about because there was physically no way to hide that from him, he saw and heard me being very upset when the vet confirmed that she'd have to be put to sleep, and later on, when he and I went back into the surgery room to say goodbye, he saw her lying peacefully asleep (she was just sedated at this stage) on the floor. Patted and stroked her, said 'goodbye Martha', seemed ok. I thought this was better than him leaving without seeing her again, and she was certainly not scary at that point.

I'll be honest, I wasn't really thinking of how this would affect him or upset him, because I was pretty damn upset myself. And he has seen me crying before.

Yesterday, we weren't sure how to approach it with him, but he was full of it - coming out spontaneously with stuff like 'Martha sleeping, nice lady (the vet), Martha-Doctor' and more heart-tuggingly, 'Wake up Martha' . We didn't push it with him, or go on about it. He did notice the absence of cat food on the floor, etc.

Today, he hasn't mentioned her, or anything to do with yesterday, at all, and not responded when I finally asked him if he was sad because of the cat. But he's been behaving horribly (I don't really mean that. I mean, it's horrible to me - he's been screaming in my ear, stomping, stropping even when we're doing what he wants, being an extreme two-year old, basically) and on the edge of hysteria all day. Not having a long enough nap didn't help, and yes, he is only just two , but this is so unlike him. And it's been unremitting - he screams when we change activities, when he has to eat, when the bloody CBeebies continuity piece ends...! He's also throwing himself on the floor a hell of a lot more than usual, and it took about 45 minutes to get him to calm down after he woke early from his nap and had hysterics.

Is he old enough to be 'acting out'? It sounds really trite for me to say he seems to be angry because the cat died. But he's so different today. I don't know if he's reflecting off me - I am still sad, but I think I've been acting as normally as possible towards him.

And how on earth do you approach this with a two year old? They're too young to understand 'death', I presume, and I don't want to scare him. We've said the cat's sleeping at the vet's. I do know about the 'Goodbye Mog' book, and I'm keeping that in reserve (I have it on a secret bookshelf, but since I love Mog, I find it so sad I wasn't going to give it to him until he was, ooh, 15 or so! )

Any tips or advice gratefully received.

I'm so sorry about your cat, must be so upsetting and sudden.

Even though he is little, I agree with you that he may be picking up on some of your feelings and natural upset. Even though we try to hide it, toddlers can be quite sensitive.

He may just be over tired today, would keep to usual routines and I expect it will pass. You could try doing some drawings of cats and looking at books, but I would avoid the Goodbye Mog for now.

Again, really sorry

I do think his very short nap today has made this worse. We went swimming this morning too, which is tiring (well, it is for me!) and to the park (to get out of the house and to keep me sane - screeching seems quieter outside!) this afternoon. It may be that he's just exhausted.

I honestly don't think reading Goodbye Mog would help at this stage, because I don't think he can understand what 'death' is - he is so young. (Also, I can't cope with reading it to him right now, I'd dissolve and that won't help him).

DH just came back from work and I pretty much shoved him at DS with his tea, and let him cope! I lay on the sofa trying to get the paracetomol I'd taken to work! And DS has calmed down considerably, so maybe he really is bouncing off me. And I thought I was doing a good job of hiding the way I feel from him. God, they're so sharp, aren't they?

Thanks, Fleegle.

Sorry, to be clear - I agree with you about Goodbye Mog - that it probably isn't a good idea at the moment.

I think it's scary how much they pick up from us sometimes! But sometimes I think it can be good for them to see us being sad or cross and how we manage those feelings. It's how he will learn to deal with them himself as he gets older.

Hope you all sleep ok tonight. and it gets easier- but might be a while before you can read goodbye Mog- that would have me in tears as well

Thanks. I do agree that you shouldn't shield small children from everything - they have to learn about the world and how we deal with it. I just wish I knew how much he was capable of understanding, and what he needs in order to feel better. Apart from time, I suppose.

Have no experience of this as my DS is younger than yours but I wonder if it will actually be easier for him to 'take in' the idea that your cat has died because he isn't able to understand what living/not living means iyswim?
He might be more concerned with how this effects him rather than worrying if the cat suffered etc like an adult would, so reasuring him that in time you will have a new cat for him to play with may well be enough at this age.
I think the thing that can upset kids is feeling like they don't know what's going on or aren't being included or having everything explained to them so he may have picked up on your angst when talking about your cat and be unsettled because he doesn't under the problem as he thinks the cat is just sleeping.

I could say 'she's died, darling', I suppose, as it won't mean anything more to him - but would then have to be extremely careful about using that word in any other context in his hearing. I'm already worried that by saying she's sleeping, he might get upset about being asleep himself, but I'm probably overthinking that. He's just two, not three.

I wish we could have a new cat, but I'm not sure when that can be. I'm trying to get pregnant again and I hated the way I felt about my lovely old cat when I had DS - she became a complication and a bit of a nuisance, although we still loved her. I'd hate to do that with another cat, so perhaps it's best to wait until we've got an older baby. I feel sad about living without a cat for that long, though... Oh well, my problem, not DS's.

I would go with "she's died" and just leave it at that unless he asks. I suspect he is picking up on your emotions rather than feeling them himself, tbh - neither of my (normally sensitive) children really batted an eyelid when our beloved cat died, though they were upset for me. Ditto great-granny . Amd the little girl next door tried to console me when we lost the (other) cat by telling me it was ok we could just get another one.

totally agree with boo that it is more likely to be your upset that he's picking up on.

I would never say that a dead pet was sleeping. I would tell him that she was very old and ill and died. It is by no means too young to introduce that idea to a child of 2 imo.

I think children need the truth no matter what their age, though couched in age appropriate terms and presented in a safe way....so not seeing the cat's dead body etc but being gently told what has happened by loving parents etc.

I actually let my children see the dead cat..trying to think how old they were, oldest must have been 3 1/2? She wasn't all yucky (even though she was hit by a car), just looked, well, dead. I think it helped them understand - and they saw us bury her in the garden then came to the garden centre and helped me choose a plant to put on her.