please help with ideas on managing a toddler and new baby (long ish)

[sazlocks]

Feeling like a failure as struggling to cope with a 2.1 year old and a 6 week old.
Had a c section so just feeling better after that and now able to pick up DS 1 again which is a help.
Trying to get us all out once a day for a tiring activity so that DS1 has a good nap in the afternoon. Managing to keep loosely to DS1 routine so that he doesn't feel too unsettled.
DH very hands on and works part time so I don't have too many days when its just me and the 2 boys. Have good friends locally - not too many in the same position though so I am not sure they understand. No family anywhere nearby.
Am excl BF DS2 and that is going well - he is lovely and likes to be cuddled a lot and seems to be feeding a lot this past couple of days. Have had a couple of 6 hour sleeps at night but its mainly 2-3 hours.
DS1 very spirited and lovely and sometimes a bit over enthusiastic with DS2. Has lashed out at him a couple of times so have to keep a close eye on him around DS2 at all times. Feel like DS2 is missing out a bit because I don't feel like its safe to have him spending much time rolling about on a playmat because DS1 so boisterous. Have found myself shouting at DS1 more in the last week or so than I have done in 2 years and feeling very ashamed about that. I haven't done anything worse than shout but I feel like I have very, very little patience with him at the moment and I feel like a dreadful mum.
Please give me some suggestions about anything I can do to make it easier, some reassurance that it will get better.
Thanks

Don't feel ashamed, you aren't a bad mum, you're just learning how to cope with them both! Plus the sleep deprivation won't be helping you be at your best either. Well done with bf after a section, that must have taken some hard work to get established.

I haven't got two yet (due with dc2 in a few weeks) but I just wanted to suggest that you get him into some sort of pre-school group. My 2 year old ds goes for two hours twice a week, he plays while I go home and tidy or rest. He comes home tired and has a quiet hour on the sofa, and it's invaluable. That and lots of playgroups. Have you got a garden you can turf him out into in nice weather?

Is DH or any of your good friends available to take DS1 out to the park/soft play centre? Might help him feel a bit more special having this one on one attention. Would also give you a chance to rest (or feed uninterrupted at least!)

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job, DC2 due in October and I have no idea how I'll manage.

I can only imagine your situation. I'm irratable and tired at times and I only have one child (9 months old). Don't feel ashamed, you are a busy mum trying to get through each day and well done for excl bf and trying to stick to routines. I think you are doing well and as DS2 gets a little bigger it will surely get better. Think back to when you had DS1 and those first few weeks probably seemed like they would never get better, but they did didn't they.

Also, another biggy, is sleep. You can't help that at the moment but when you start to get more sleep you will be less irritable I'm sure.

Thanks for your message. We have started to look at pre schools. We have quite a good routine in the week of activities but I think a playgroup would be a good idea as well. We have a great garden but its terraced and not very child friendly unfortunately. My DH is going to do up our back yard so there is somewhere safe he can pay out in while I am pottering about.
I guess its just adjusting to the shock of having 2 to keep settled and happy !
Good luck with your number 2.

I have a 2.5 yr old and a 14 wk old and so am just getting to grips with it myself. Sounds as if you're doing really well already. My main tips are (1) have a shower and get ready before DH leaves for work so I'm ready to start the day (2) always be out of the house before 10 to some kind of activity (even just the park) toddler groups are good for DC1 to let off steam whilst you feed the baby (3) try to spend lots of time with the older child too. (4) some time when DC1 is at playgroup etc is really helpful to give you time to relax with the baby.
Sounds as if you are doing lots of activities already. I've really found having time with DC1 alone to be really useful for her self esteem and security. Now that DC2 is sleeping and eating more predictably I'm able to plan things to do with DC1 whilst DC2 is asleep (e.g. painting or cooking) and leave DC2 with DH at weekends for an hour or two whilst I take DC1 somewhere to do something together. Make sure you have fun with DC1, it's really easy to expect them to grow up fast when the second one comes along.

Hope that makes sense - just rushing to feed DC2!

Please don't worry, it will get better!

I'm not quite in the same situation because I have dd whose just turned 2 and ds 4months. Dd doesn't lash out because up until a couple of weeks ago she was pretty much ignoring ds. We weren't particularly worried because we knew that as soon as ds became a little more interactive she'd soon start to take an interest. And she has. However, a lot of your anxieties ring bells with me in the early weeks! I'm by no means an expert but here are a few suggestions:

Keep as much to ds1's routine as possible. He will be far easier to manage if he feels that his life is still the same. Ds2 will fit in to that. I manipulated ds's feeds in the early days to be able to do this (never let him go hungry but sometimes anticipated him being hungry and so fed him slightly early if that fitted into dd's schedule better).

Don't worry about ds2 'missing out' on being on a playmat or anything like that. That's you putting your adult fears onto the situation. He's a newborn, being awake is stimulation enough! The fact that he's being breastfed and obviously cuddled by you is all he needs. Playmats are simply inventions by companies to get us to part with our money through guilt that our babies aren't having enough fun (of course I own a lovely playmat so I fell for it too).

Obviously watch out for ds1 being over enthusiastic with ds2 but remember that babies are pretty solid, despite seeming the opposite. Try to encourage ds1 to play gently around the baby and show him how gentle you are with him. Give him massive praise when he is gentle and try not to shout at him or over-react yourself (if you think, in hindsight, you might be!) unless he's actually being nasty to ds2. You do want to encourage ds1 to love his brother.

If you have a hands-on dh that's fab. Make sure the pair of you spend time with both boys individually rather than always as a family. And it only has to be 20mins kicking a ball around or 10mins singing songs to the baby. But that way you'll feel that both ds's are getting quality time with you. But ultimately imo it's your toddler you need to concentrate on - he understands that his world has changed and needs to be reassured that his place in it is still secure. The baby will be fine just tagging along!

And finally, ask for and accept all the help you can. I was a complete martyr with my first and stubbornly wanted to do it all myself feeling a failure if I didn't. With two under two I quickly realised that simply surviving each day was success in itself!

You sound like you're doing a fab job and if the only thing you're guilty of is getting cross with your toddler on 4 or 5 hours sleep a night, you've no claim on the bad mum crown! Getting out and about is the best policy and it sounds like far from being a failure you're actually coping really well. It is a hard slog but every day gets easier and more manageable. Particulary when you start getting more sleep.

thanks for your messages - they have made me weep - in a good way !
I am my own worst enemy sometimes as I find it hard to ask people for help or admit that I am struggling. It took a lot for me to post.
When DH is here he focuses on DS1 and I look after DS2. In reality the main struggle is the days when I have both boys.
You have given me some great suggestions and ideas and I will take some time to read through them and think about how I can use some of them.

Sazlocks - Lots of people are in your situation so don't despair! We all muddle through and the kids all come through it in one piece (hopefully!).

DS1 is now 2.1 years old and DS2 is 4.5 months old and I was thinking today that I wouldn't wish those early days of having them both on my worst enemy! Things are so much better now and I can only see them improving.

1. Drop your standards - If you have to stick DS1 in front of the TV all day, do it. In the last few months, DS1 has watched more TV than I care to admit but I know it's not forever and it makes things a lot easier when I have to deal with DS2.

1. Try to take them out for some fresh air once a day. I took both boys out to a toddler soft play session this morning and this afternoon, I strapped DS2 to the baby carrier and DS1 walked to the corner shop. He got a chupa chup that kept him happy for another half hour at home and he got to see a few buses (a highlight for him!).

1. Playgroups or nursery for a few days are a good idea. We kept DS1 in nursery for less days than when I was working but we wanted to keep his routine and he loves going to nursery so that gives me plenty of one-on-one time with DS2 on those days so I don't feel too guilty when I have both boys and DS2 is often left in the bouncer/jumperoo/playmat.

1. My DH works long hours so we make it a point that on Saturday mornings, he takes DS1 to soft play or swimming. Then I usually take DS1 somewhere with just the two of us on Sunday morning. One-on-one time is important!

1. Ask for help! Don't be ashamed, you will be surprised at how many people will be willing to help. I have a good friend who lives nearby and she took DS1 to the playgroup we go to usually on Wednesday mornings whenever I feel I can't make it out of the door. Now I have no problems carting them both there but lots of the mums I know there are always willing to keep an eye on DS1 if he is playing outside while I am stuck inside with DS2.

Things WILL get better. I found it getting easier from about 3 months onwards and it keeps getting better. I remember hitting the wall at the 6-week-mark (I think there is a post-pregnancy hormone crash as well at that time!) so just keep going on. If you can survive a few more weeks, you will be fine.

Sazlocks...you are doing a great job, and you have such amazing support...well done all around! My DS is only 15 months older than my DD, so I remember those first few weeks, and how hard they were!
Someone else mentioned keeping your DC1 in as much as his normal routine as possible...I found that to be true with mine, too...it helped my DS to know that his life wasn't going to change entirely because of DD. Playgroup was a great suggestion, too...if he's active and social, he will love it!
I know it sounds 'hippie-ish', but I used a really lovely wrap sling with DD...it was perfect to keep her cuddly (she was a very 'holdy' baby), and also left my hands free to do stuff with my DS.

The good news is...my two are now 3 and 2, and life is wonderful! They are best friends, and DD isn't scarred for life because she was sometimes left for ages in a bouncy seat while I entertained DS...in fact...she is really good at entertaining herself! You really are doing fab...just keep taking care of yourself...it will seriously get easier.

thanks some more - it really does help knowing that it will get easier - I know it logically but at the moment I can't really see the wood for the tress !