Boys and violence: what is normal and what is a problem?

[BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny]

Ds is 10 (nearly 11), I vowed never to allow toy guns/swords etc into our home as I feel that these are inappropriate toys for a child. He's a caring child, he picks snails up off the path so people don't stand on them etc. I don't allow him to watch TV/movies that are violent, he doesn't have computer games that are violent but he goes to friends houses who have play stations with call of duty/dawn of war so will play these, he used to play warhammer in games workshop but I've been reducing the time he spends in there drastically and only goes in once a month or less.
The problem I have now is that some of his stories at school contain guns/death/war etc, the school gave them all email addresses (unknown to ds, the school read all the emails) last week, he didn't quite think this through and as a test email he sent one to a friend that just said "random, random, random, random, killing!!" (according to ds). I have been asked to go in on Wednesday to see the head and his class teacher to discuss this. They are quite anti-violence of any kind (he's not violent, he just talks about rockets/AK 48's etc), his teacher has mentioned that she is concerned about his comments before which is why I have reduced his time in Games worshop, I can't monitor the games he plays at other childrens houses either. What am I supposto say?? I'm sure it's just a phase (like the time he wanted to be Harry Potter and go to Hogwarts), it will pass??

Hmmm. Do they allow children to read books? Books quite often are violent. OK so I don't know any children's books for this age group, but good lord even fairytale books are violent! I used to write the most gruesome stories when I was little (perhaps a bit older, but around 11-12yrs), but like your DS would move spiders/snails out of the path. That's surely the point - we can imagine or make-up things but it doesn't mean we have a tendency to actually want to DO them! So unless there is other evidence that is of concern (I think the snail moving is a very positive healthy indicator of someone who is NOT going to do anything violent) I'd suggest the teacher ease off a little... Good luck! xx

IME, boys - even nice, kind, sweet ones - are pretty daft, so will write silly things in emails/stories. They're also pretty gruesome on the whole, however nicely brought up they are. Boy conversations do seem to involve rockets, guns, blowing things up, etc, etc, etc - but most of them don't go on to become pyromaniacs or murderers. I think the teacher is taking this a little bit too seriously, and it is a phase that will pass like all the others.

The school library consists of mainly christian books so there's not alot. I think the old tom and jerry cartoons etc are alot more violent when I was a child then they are now so things have changed alot (didn't do me any harm ). He moves to a new school in September, it's a boys school so I am hoping they are a little more understanding about the blood/gore and use of bombs in his story writing. I've not known him to act out any violence at all, he's in tears if he accidently throws something and it hits me. I think they are going OTT to be honest but I want to support them as much as I can (I won't mention the crusades)

belle..After bringing up 2 DDs and 1 DS (who is now a peace loving calm 22yr old) I believe that violence is within all of us; and like anything that is forbidden is made all the more interesting to children who are about discovering ALL aspects of life.

Like playing with dolls won't turn our DDs into docile wives and mothers so playing with toy guns etc doesn't turn boys into violent thugs (unless the home reinforces and approves this attitude) even then not always of course.

Our DS was not forbidden or pushed into playing with guns etc. it just happened and he got bored with them as did his stage of drawing skeletons with knives etc. It all passed as all childhood stages do unless we over react.

We have plenty of pictures of skeletons with knives/rockets etc!!

I limited his time in Games Workshop after listening to his teacher whittle on, he has friends there. It was more of a socialising thing for him rather then anything else, he just has expert knowledge of ork weapons now though as he has a photographic memory and uses his knowledge in his work. The teacher always seems to make me think I'm not doing the right thing and I should be concerned about his future IYSWIM.

(perhaps you should remind the teacher that the bible is a pretty violent book. Like the story in the old testament where the opposing king went for a rest in a tent and a woman drove a tent peg into his head - nice...)

Eww!

I thought the crusades were pretty bad to be honest. I'm more of a buddist myself so can't stand violence, I know he'll grow out of it if it's not made into such a big deal
So far we have had:
A harry potter facination (he's not a wizard I'm sad to say)
A star wars facination (he's also not a jedi)
Now we are on daemons and weapons. It would have helped if he hadn't have played dawn of war at the school secretary's house with her son last week though.

Harry Potter and Star Wars are all classic themes dealing with good vs bad - and in them, even the 'good sides' kill people, from time to time (yes, even in Narnia books)... I think it just gets more complicated when it's not obvious which side is good and which is bad; but that's about growing up and realising there are two sides to every story. However I'm sure his teacher wouldn't go as far as to say the armed forces are evil... would she?!

Sad thing might be that your teacher is more worried about the daemons as being an evil influence... just as some christians denounce Harry Potter purely for the fact that it IS about wizards. I love Harry Potter, and I'm a christian! I think these stories work well as parables, so if you can get her to see that point of view it might help.

Thankyou NumptyMum. He was sent home with a flyer telling him not to go trick or treating at halloween because "evil influences could control you" / September isn't too far away is it, it will fly by!

Belledechoco... my DS1 went to a Steiner school and the teacher seemed to have no understanding of the stages that a lot of children go through (the violent thing for example)

She suggested we all needed therapy 'cos he drew skeletons and knives etc. !!!

Oh such a reaction to trick or treating is ridiculous what type of school is it?

It's not the child who has the problem!!!

Haa, the "skeleton with knives" pictures came up in the meeting!

It's a christian school. I just told them that he hadn't thought things through and that he was aiming to be more mature in order to get a game, I explained it was just a phase (like the Harry Potter and Star Wars phase) and that he knows guns etc are wrong.

It also came to light that another email he ssent was "...stick them up your bum and they last a bit longer". I asked him about this, he'd been talking to his friend about trebor mints ("trebor mints are a minty bit stronger, stick them up your bum and they last a bit longer")

Maybe your teacher came to work in ds's school, the head did move from another church school!!

I really wonder what they teach them at college nowadays. Do you think child psychology is considered old fashioned ???

Steiner is not a formal christian school. it's sort of new agey that's why i was so amazed by the teacher's reaction.

I think your son sounds normal It's the school that has its head up its bum !!!!

I think he's normal aswell. There's too much expectation placed on children, they should just be allowed to be kids.