18m old DD turned into a bit of a monster child. Advice needed

[imoscarsmum]

18m old DD has always been quite clingy and cries ALOT. But since learning to walk about a month ago, she has found confidence and is still clingy at home (not outside the home) but has now started to have huge tantrums, which I did expect to come one day but they are accompanied by behaviour that DP and I find really challenging and we disagree on how to cope with it:

• she ignores generally most things we ask her to do (and we apply consequences, give her lots of praise when she does things well etc - all the standard stuff). I think she's a bit young to completely understand, whereas DP wants to drum discipline into her. I'd prefer to let her make a bit of mess/chaos and remain firm on the really important stuff but DP thinks we need zero tolerance almost.

• she has stared to pinch and slap other children at nursery. She also slaps me and laughs when I tell her to stop. I really don't know how to handle this.

• she was BLW and has always fed herself really well but at breakfast time she picks her fruit out of her bowl and eats that but won't eat the rest unless I feed her. This is not like her and I don't want her to go out of the house without food but I also feel we've always let her choose and so we should carry on. not sure. She also refuses to wear bibs and pulls them off or screams. DP says we must insist that she either wears her bib or doesn't get food. I'm not so sure.

Sorry for long post but my child has changed to quickly into one I'm starting to get frustrated with. I adore her and nothing has happened recently to cause this change (except her finding her feet).
Any ideas welcome (even if it's simply she's finding confidence and we need to be firm and it will pass).
How much 'discipline' does an 18m need? - she is too young to negotiate or really offer choices to. She has very little speech - says yes or no and is trying hard to talk but it's slow progress.

Am I really just crap with her and too soft like DP infers? (I do love him, btw, there's nowt wrong with our relationship)

Feeling quite rubbish as a mum atm.

You may find this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/927519-another-tantrum-thread-3-in-3-days-and-he-39 makes you feel better

You have to be firm and consistent and when you say something, show them you mean it. Never give in or they'll not take you seriously. Its an exhausting time but it does get better.

Your local children's surestart centre probably does classes for dealing with tricky behaviour. Why don't you ring your HV and ask. Might as well go and do a class now and boost your confidence.

Its a difficult time, but you're not a rubbish mum!

Hi there oscarsmum - I posted the other day about my ds's newfound tantrums, he's 18 months too. But actually on Friday, after 3 shockers in in 3 days, he had a swollen and red cheek and was in such a state due the pain of his molars coming through that I actually now think that could have been the source of it. (He's been a delight since I started dosing him up with calpol!). Could your dd be teething too? It might explain a sudden change in behaviour?

Otherwise, with the hitting thing, my ds started this at about 12months and it really got to me. But what we did seems to have worked: A big NO! That's not nice! Then put him down and walk away. He still does it sometimes now, but only to me or dh, and is now very clear on it not being OK, and gives us a stroke or a kiss to say sorry when prompted.

Bibs: I can't be arsed to be honest! I now only suggest he wears one when what he's eating is really messy, and if he refuses I just let him get on with it and change t-shirt afterwards. I prefer him to be happy eating than clean if you see what I mean!

I hope some of that helps. We had a brilliant day today so I'm feeling like I've got it all cracked. But two days ago I was feeling just like you - rubbish and totally lacking in confidence in what I'm doing. It can change so fast! I'm sure you'll have another good day soon....

ps. I think mess and chaos are fine. Zero tolerance sounds like a recipe for an incredibly stressful toddlerdom for all 3 of you! (But hey, what do I know? I'm really just making it up as I go along...)

Averagemum is right. I pick my battles on what's important, in case I gave you a strange impression but what I do consider important I am consistent on.

Thanks both of you, I was having a bad week but actually today went pretty well so I'm feeling a little better.

I like your suggestion of saying No to hitting and putting her down and walking away, will try that. We do say no firmly but will give the walking away a try as she'll hate that so it might just work.

We have 12 teeth so far but she's a slow teether. i checked tonight - no sign but I'll keep my eye out.

I totally agree with consistency and being firm and meaning consequences. I also don't mind mess and tbh I would let her go without a bib but DP is a bit anal when it comes to cleaning and he wants her to wear one. Sigh. To be fair to him, he has mellowed a bit but I'm not sure he's choosing wise battles. I want to pick ones that are important and let the others go but he reckons she'll think she can get away with stuff.
Hey ho, think we have to negotiate.

But thanks for your advice.

Hi imoscarsmum,
your dh sounds a bit like mine At 18 months they don't know much yet and you can't exactly explain thinks to them to understand. I say pick your battles wisely otherwise you'll be battling constantly! And once you start battling about something you can't stop otherwise it's being inconsistent. My ds is 2.4 now and he understands so much...it's much easier. 18 months? pick the really important stuff like you do. hitting and danger. let the other go till at least 22 - 24 months I would say. Good luck!

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jesus happydad you have to be kidding
you shout loudly into a baby's face to scare the shit out of them if you don't like their behaviour?
that is flatly abusive and i hope you are winding us up

DHD - I don't mean to be funny but at 18 months that's awfully young to do that.

Shouting in a baby's face is completely unacceptable behaviour. There are other life lines out there!

happydad what ever floats your boat. am sure i would be terrified too if some big person was screaming in my face and intimidating me. your style of parenting is choice