please someone help me, 3.5yo DD behaviour is a nightmare!

[faddle]

I'm really needing some help with alternative parenting styles, I really dont like what I am doing at the moment, and really want to change it, so would appreciate any positive suggestions here!
I know I'm going to get flamed for the smacking thing, but thats really why I'm on here because I dont actually want to smack, but am feeling pretty helpless and desperate. Our lives are being made miserable by this!
Bit of background:
DD is 3.5yo. Has always been a very feisty girl, wears her heart on her sleeve, does everything 100 miles an hour and head first without looking. She is also incredibly determined and stubborn, and impossible to distract.
At the moment she is throwing 3 or 4 major tantrums every day, and every request/suggestion I make throughout the day is "I dont like/want that" or "NO I'm not doing that" Anything I ask her to do like "please could you come upstairs now to get dressed for school" she will shout at full volume "NO I'M NOT DOING THAT I WANT TO WATCH XXX/PLAY WITH YYY" and throws herself on the floor.
What is happening at the moment is that I ask again more forcefully, get down to her level, etc, which is usually met with her screaming full volume in my face that she doesnt want to do it. After several attemps asking nicely, with the same result, I confess I have warned her that I will smack her bum and then after the next refusal, have smacked her. Never very hard, never in anger, but in desperation because nothing else actually works. Then she screams etc at me, and actually goes to the stairs, then she gets half way up and turns around for another go at arguing about it, cue another smack from me, or I will physically carry her kicking and screaming up the rest of the stairs. Then we have the same performance over getting dressed etc.
I'm just totally at a loss as to how to deal with her - she is just the most bloody contrary awkward child I have ever known, and is getting worse by the day. I've tried naughty step, sending to room, reward chart, smacking, reasoning, asking politely, positive reinforcement, nothing seems to work.
I will say that I never every give in to any of her demands/insistences, unless they are reasonable and she has asked in a polite way. I do offer her choices whenever I can, and then its all hunky dory, but things like going upstairs to bed/ getting dressed etc we dont have a choice!
She is at nursery in the local school aswell, and they have commented about her backchat and shouting, so clearly it is not just a problem at home.

Ouch. Well done for being brave enough to admit you smack her.

Go back to basics. You've tried everything Jo Frost has ever taught the nation but she (your DD) knows this. Your DD knows your limits - she knows what your Enough Monster looks like and the extremes you'll go to. The fact that she actually stops, turns and continues to argue with you actually makes me chuckle - that is so my sister! She was the same with my mum! No fear!! And I think that's it........ no fear?

Everything you describe in your typical day has happened before to another parent. Your DD knows what to expect when she plays up and as you said, you've tried reasoning, rewards, naughty step etc so what now?

Is it worth making a plan with her? A good behaviour chart with her input? Especially as nursery are saying she's like that there too, that must make you feel worse? Have you tried getting grandma/dad involved? What is she like with other family members/children?

Can you think of any reward that she will respond to? What does she like to do? Sorry, not much help but didn't want you to go unanswered. I'm sure lots will have better ideas

Will watch this thread to see what's suggested. Have a glass of wine or two tonight and try to come up with a plan of action!

Good luck x

Mouseface - thats exactly it, no fear!

I am bloody mortified about nursery's comments, but thankfully they also had DS who is a paragon of virtue, so they know its not through laziness etc on my part!

Bless your heart. Thank goodness you DS is like that!

Is your DD like you were at that age BTW? The no fear thing is a bit worrying!

I had a very contrary daughter ("how do you know that? did you read it in a book? did you read it in the papers?") . What I used to try to do was to keep the number of requests to a minimum and try not to react too much to how she responded to a request, but concentrate on getting my own way. At that age, I was phrasing things as statements rather than questions a lot of the time.

First: the warning bell. We're going to go soon, so very soon you will get dressed.

Then: We are going upstairs to get you dressed now.

Cue: tantrum.

At which I would either fetch her clothes and put them on her or take her by the hand and haul lead her up the stairs; I quite often ended up carrying her.

But I just made my mind up to count it as my win if the object was achieved, that is, if we actually made it out of the house.

Dd eventually (after a few years) got the message that there isn't much point in arguing with mummy, because she gets her way anyway. I also used to make it into a little joke how I was in command- the idea being to show that I was so confident that I could even afford to send myself up.

Oh, and I used to spend a lot of time having totally unnecessary cups of tea in the kitchen and sing very loudly to drown out the screams of frustration echoing inside my head.

Dd is now a remarkably sensible and amenable 13yo, who seems willing to accept that her mother might actually know things she does not, but I have a horrible feeling that I probably didn't achieve that. It was no doubt, as they say, a phase that she just needed to work her way through.

I know it can sometimes be difficult especially when pressed for time but can you try "making a game" of things. I do this with my dd (2.9) especially when getting trying to get her dressed. It does take a bit longer but it can be lots of fun for both of you, with lots of laughs and tickles. From what you've said this won't work for everything but it might help at times?

I had no fear either, life was a big adventure. I wouldnt have dreamed of shouting at my mum though or she would have paddled my little butt till it shone. Not sure what I was like as a toddler, but my mum says I never had tantrums as such. I was a fairly easy going child apparently, just a livewire.

I found (when DS started acting up for a spell, and DD hit the whole twos thing, yes, oh joy, at the same time), that having spell of being INCREDIBLY strict and following through with CONSEQUENCES worked very well indeed. Also quite a lot of absolute non-reaction to things designed to provoke, and maintaining an air of unflappable calm really helped. I was pretending a lot of the time but it seemed to work.

Have you read the whole how to talk so kids will listen thing - I found this quite a good, and doable, approach.

I think that's the thing then...... you're two peas in a pod! Even though you wouldn't dare to speak to your mum like that or shout, she's a mini version of you with the no fear thing!

My ds (4.5) can be very similar and actually so can I! Over the last year after some really bad feedback from nursery (to the point where he was throwing chairs around in anger when they asked him to tidy up) we have been working hard (with their help and consultation with health visitors ho were really helpful) at the following:-

Rewards for good behaviour eg get dressed and you can have a sticker(rather than get dressed or bla bla) and lots of praise for the good bits. We do sticker charts for good behaviour if things get worse.

Trying not to shout back (can't always manage this one but it helps if I don't). Ignoring and/or just saying "That makes mummy sad" and then moving on can help in the long run.

Giving a bit more undivided attention to him (also have a younger dd): I find that if he has had plenty of attention he is less likely to get unpleasant

It has been hard work but really pays off. I found "How to talk so your child will listen and listen so your child will talk" was a really handy book. Hopt this helps

Mazzy - I've heard about that book on my peer support course. I might have a look at it.
She has no problems with grandparents, as they dont tend to have to make her do things she doesnt want to do, but I suspect if they had to get her ready for school etc, they would run into difficulties!

I'll second that book