Ways to help my DS (5.9) cope when things don't go his way. Please help!

[JackiePaper]

DS - who will be 6 in June is really struggling to cope when things don't happen just how he would like them to. For example if he doesn't win at a game, or he has to stop building his lego because it's time for school , or it's bedtime, etc etc.

Today his teacher pulled me to one side after school and said he had had a meltdown in the classroon when he got one of his spellings wrong in the test today. He has always been a bit of a perfectionist, but it is getting steadily worse, to the point where he is throwing full blown tantrums screaming shouting and crying when things don't work out how he wants them to.

I really don't know how to help him cope, and change this over the top behaviour, and now it's impacting on school any ideas?

anyone?

Gosh that is a toughie.

I can maybe help from my perspective as I am a perfectionist and have CBT therapy to help me try to get over it.

I my mind if things arent just so, exactly as perfecct as I need them to be then I feel a failure and if I am a failure then I am unloveable.
This is maybe a bit too 'deep' for a 6 year old but ... that is the only perspective i can give you I am afraid.

Do you praise him a lot? are you a bit of a perfectionist?

I think for me my parents didnt praise me enough so I kept trying and trying to do better and get things just so ..in order to get the to give me what I so wanted.

I hope that is of some help to you.

I am a great fan of therapy...have you thought about a child psycologist?

the current praise thinking is praise for the effort to achieve not the result as the key to encouraging acceptance of failure. Only praising a job well done, ie just the end result causes kids to set very high targets for themselves and they find it hard to accept when things go wrong. They also begin to feel that if they aren't perfect - clever - then they are letting their parents down.

Would it help if he sees how you and his dad handle things that don't go well? Do you take it on your chin? Can you start showing him that sometimes a never mind its not the end of the world attitude can help.

as for getting upset when he has to stop something cos its bed / school etc, that's a different issue, about control, maybe a ten minute warning before hand so he has time to get used to the idea, rather than, pack up now its bed time. And at nearly 6 maybe you can involve him in the time planning, giving him some responsibility for his own timetable.

can you play games that are fun so it doesnt matter who wins? and let him see you dont mind if you lose, as its just fun.

He is only 6 and school is probably getting tougher more structured and a lot to cope with - does he like school? Has he friends there?

One meltdown at school is not so bad, have another chat with the teacher and talk to him when you are both relaxed and ask him how he felt and why he got so upset. Don't tell him its unacceptable or make him feel he needs therapy - talk to him about ways he could cope with the dissappointment next time - and praise him for the work he put into the spelling test.

DD is a little like this, although generally not enough to cause a problem. It must be quite a burden on them, poor little mites.

A friend said something interesting recently, than she and her partner happened to say to her partner's daughter than they expected her to make mistakes. Not just that it's okay, or that they will forgiven, but we EXPECT you to make mistakes. She said you could almost see a weight lift from the little girl's shoulders (she is a little older).

Anyway, I thought that was interesting, getting across the point that it's not just okay to get things wrong, but in many ways GOOD.

thanks so much for the replies

He does enjoy school, although i don't think he has any really close friends there, there is no-one really on his wavelenght iykwim

He is a really bright little boy (disclaimer - i am NOT a pushy mum, promsie!) and is way ahead of most of his classmates academically, but somewhat lagging behind them emotially. I think he is used to getting everything right at school, and school being relatively easy - i think today was the first time he didn't get it all right iyswim.

I do try to show him that it's ok not to get everything right/win all the time, and when his sister wins a game of snap or something (she is 3 btw and not bothered in the slightest if she loses!) I do try to cajole him and say, oh well i didn't win either, but it was fun playing etc, but he is usually having a full blown meltdown by that point.

I do try to praise him for the effort he puts in as well as if he succeeds - and bizarrely (he is no sportsman) when he didn't win anything at sports day last year he didn't mind and had fun trying. However i think he knows sport is not his forte and didn't expect to win - but he is usually top of the class, so getting less than a 100% in his spelling test was unexpexted and he didn't like it iyswim. gosh i'm not explaining it all very well am i!

I do try to give him warning about 10 minutes til it's time to leave for school, however we still have meltdowns and 'it's not fair' etc He seems quite highly strung in general really, not an easy going sort of kid, never has been! but i just want to be able to help him deal with these emotions in a better way than screaming and shouting, and i'm not really sure how best to go about doing that.

don'tcallmebaby - thanks for that, that's a really good idea, will have a chat to him about it in the morning (when we were talking to the teacher about today his lovely teacher said to him that everyone makes mistakes and that she even makes mistakes sometimes - he was really surprised(!) and cheered up a bit then!)

I did wonder about doing a sticker chart for him - a smily face for every time he doesn't have a tantrum, but i don't want him to think he is being punished for the way he feeld iykwim. I need him to understand that it's ok to feel upset, but not ok to behave the way he is doing at the moment. Does that sound like a good idea or do you think it's likely to make him feel worse?

I just wanted to say that my 7yr old son, although OK with making mistakes or losing a game, cannot cope with not getting his own way. He's just had a screaming fit because he asked me, during his night-time shower, if he could play on his segamegadrive before bed and I said no (explaining why, and saying he could play on it in the morning). It actually frightens me how quickly he goes from being quite happy to collapsing on his knees and screaming his lungs out.

We too sometimes get this sort of behaviour when normal routine things are expected of him(like going to school, clean teeth etc). People say it's boundary pushing, but I've never once given into him when he behaves this way, so you'd think he'd have learnt by now that those boundaries are pretty damn immoveable.

I'm pretty sure there is some deep emotion coming out in a scary way, and I'm with you JackiePaper, I don't want to punish him for it. I just want to help him find a better way to deal with his negative emotions.

I've spoken to loads of parents about this behaviour, and re-read all my parenting books, but I've not turned up anything useful. Sorry, I wish I was posting on here to share the answer with you rather than the misery!

My hope is that it is just a developmental stage - he's a growing boy, but still expresses old familiar emotions in the same way that he did when he was a todler. He'll learn, as we all do, that you can't just stop and scream when things don't go your way.

JackiePaper and Belljar - same with my DS 7. He got upset and stamping his feet when I beat him at swordfighting on the wii - they just have to learn the way of the world, you don't get your way all the time! I just ignore it or if its a game, tell him I won't play if he has a paddy!

Giving my DS1 (6) a warning when its time to end any game/event/experience has greatly cut down on any episodes come home time.

5 mins warning allows some "come down" time - doesn't always end interference, but it certainly cuts it down.

I almost hate to say this, but he sounds very like my nephew, who was diagnosed with mild Aspergers.

Very, very bright, dislikes changes in routine, not good at sports as slightly dyspraxic, mega meltdowns when disappointed, doesn't mix easily with his peers.

Maybe worth investigating? My nephew is 13 and doing fine at school. He is a lovely boy but my sister has really benefited from the extra help and advice in how to best cope with things.

it's not that he doesn't have friends and can't mix - he has friends outside of school and cousins etc who he plays for hours with - it's just the boys at his school are rough and tumble type boys, and ds just well, isn't (he seems to play with the girls more!)

tbh in all honestly i don't think he has aspergers - and i have worked with autistic kids and my sister is a specialist nurse in autism and she has never mentioned anything, but thanks for the suggestion portofino, and i hope your nephew is happy and doing well

It's so hard I know. I have found dd crying in the playground after school because the others didn't want to play HER game. What do you say to them....

yes ds tells me sometimes that he played on his own cos no-one else wanted to play his game. Part of me thinks well, ho hum you can't always get your own way in life, but a bigger part of me feels really sad for him that there is no-one at school that shares his interests.

what ever happened to 5yr old boys liking cars and trains and dinosaurs? all they seem to play at DS's school is killing each other/fighting, and of course the ineveitable football.

but that is a whole other thread....

I was a bit like that at Primary School I think. Over imaginative, introspective. Not interested in the rough and tumble. Always picked last for teams etc.

I am trying to remember how I felt about it....