Extreme shyness any advice?

[belsana]

My DD has just turned 3 and is incredibly shy. Everytime the doorbell goes she goes and hides and if a stranger comes in she will get extremely distressed and makes herself sick. It takes ages to calm her down and when she gets like this i cannot reason with her she just will not listen. I cannot take her to the doctors or the dentist or anywhere without this happeneing.
My HV suggested taking her to mums and tots groups to socialise her but she still clings to me will not go and play with the other children and will cry hysterically if an adult tries to talk to her. She will not talk to strangers either she will not even look at them. I still take her to mums and tots and other structured things but i do find it embarassing when she bursts in to tears frequently and everyone wants to know what is the matter.
My HV asked if there had been any arguments at anytime at the door to trigger this sensitivity but there hasn't she has just always been the same as a baby she wouldn't let strangers hold her she would cry and be sick and it took until she was 2 and a half for her to play with her grandad and we see him every week.
She did seem to improve at mums and tots for a couple of weeks and she managed to join in a little bit and not get upset but then a little boy thumped her and now she is worse than ever, everytime someone comes in the room of a group she will get distressed. She is due to start playschool in september and i am really worried now that she is not going to be able to cope with going and surely if she makes herself sick all the time will not be able to attend. I would really appreciate any advice on how i can help her become less sensitive or just chat to other mums who have children like this.

I would take her out and about as much as possible. Go shopping, post letters, feed ducks etc-don't make her talk to people but say 'hello' to anyone you pass so that she gets used to the fact it is normal. Invite friends around-only one at a time and not necessarily with children. Go to the library and sit in there and read stories. In short get out and about in situations where she doesn't have to take part, but watches you being generally friendly. Make sure that you get out several times a day-even if you just walk around the block.
When she cries just cuddle her-don't cajole her or make her feel it is silly or try and make her look at people or speak-just treat it as normal that you go out and see people, and pay no attention.

I will bump it up for you in the hope that someone can help. It is strange that some posts get no replies.

Is there anyway you can get in contact with any of the other mums with children starting the playgroup? I would definately discuss it with the playgroup leaders before she starts to get some advice. My daughter was very very shy but not to the extreme you are describing in that she would make herself sick. She would not look at her own grandparents or talk to my sister even until she was over 3 years old. She just seemed scared and anxious all of the time-it was as if her cheek was glued to mine. I took her to an craniologist to see if they could help but of course she screamed the place down. The health visior said it was extreme separation anxiety but I am not so sure-some children are just incredibly shy. What changed was the younger sister coming along-this helped enormously a she took the role of my helper and big sister. I have heard that pets (dogs)are very good for children like this and imagine that it would have helped my daughter if we didn't have a second child. The second change was we then we moved to a place where we had a few nice families within walking distance (lucky I know). We saw the same children and mothers together almost every afternoon for over a year and it built her confidence amazingly. She is now able to attend Nursery with no problems and will talk to family members, other children and very good friends of mine. She will still not make eye contact with anyone else that talks to her or answer their questions until she has spent a significant amount of time with them. I try not to worry and have learnt not to make a big deal of it as this simply creates more fear on her behalf. I do answer for her according to the situation and at times she will whisper answers to me-this is a break through recently and a way for her to communicate without doing it directly.
My advice would be to try to find another mum with a child her age, hopefully someone from playgroup and see them as much as you possibly can in each others homes where you can limit the amount of strangers and gradually open it up from there.
I agree with the previous poster about taking her out to the park and duck pond etc to see people in everyday life too but the familiar faces are the key. You will probably find that playgroup will help enormously as the same children and playgroup leaders will be with her every day.
Try not to get too upset about it...I used to worry so much about what other people were thinking and it just makes things seem worse. Good luck and remember that nothing lasts forever and your daughter will change as she grows.

The poor wee soul, why is life so hard for some kids?

My daughter was very shy, she turned it into stroppiness to hide her shyness. She would get upset if anyone spoke to her, would not go near other children, play areas were a nightmare, she would cling to me if any other children were about, she was terrfified of strangers , both adults and children.

I was becoming very concerned, my sister looks after her when I work and my daughter had daily trips to the nursery to pick up my sisters child. she went there for over a year and refused point blank to talk to the nursery staff, who were so kind to her. I was really beginning to panic about how she would cope with nursery.

Then suddently she just changed. over a period of about three weeks she became more sociable and now everything is a breeze. She stared nursery about three months ago and has never looked back. I often try and work out what changed but I'm just not sure.

I was very clingy and posessive when she was born, my mum died around the same time so I was in a very unhappy place. This will have had an affect, so I blame myself!

Hopefully your wee girl will find things easier as she gets older, they are all so different, but my daughter has changed so much in the last six months. She is now almost 3 1/2.

It horrible when you think your child is struggling though. I remember it well.

Thank you for your replies.
Maybe she will get better when she starts playgroup but i just worry she will get worse. Today we went to visit her Nana at her house something she has done in the past and coped with but today she screamed the place down and made herself sick. I just don't understand what triggers her off. I will have to try just cuddling her because at the minute I try to get her to talk to me and I do tell her she is being silly and sometimes I have a little cry as well because I hate to see her so upset.
I really hope she does get better because it really is upsetting for both of us at the minute.

It is upsetting but don't cry whatever you do-she picks up so much from body language and your anxiety. I shouldn't tell her that she is silly, and since it hasn't helped to talk about it I would just cuddle and ignore.
Lulubooboo has good advice with one mum and DC and see them a lot.

My son is the same way. I've noticed some improvements by following some suggestions from the link below. Hope it's helpful.

childparenting.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=childparenting&cdn=parenting&t m=22&f=20&su=p974.2.168.ip_p284.9.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.une.edu.au/psychology/staf f/academicstaff/malouffshyness.php