How do I deal with this one? Please help

[LadyBuzz]

My DS1 (3.8) mentioned to me today on the way home from friends house that her DS had been 'sexing' him.
This is not the first time that something like this has been an issue. He has mentioned before that X (4.5) likes to play the kissing game which involves getting into bed together and kissing.
I have been witness to X humping DS1 on a couple of occasions and just said come on now X don't sit on DS1 he doesn't like it.
DS1 has said he does not like this game so I told him to push him off and come and tell me, when he metioned it earlier he said he had tried to get away but X had held him down. X is considerably bigger then DS1.

I don't know how to go about this one at all, I don't want to tell DS1 that is is wrong or rude as I don't want to give him the wrong idea.
I know kids are curious and experiment but I feel DS1 is too little to be hearing about 'sexing'especially as he is not comnfortable with it.
They are never left alone for longer then a couple of minutes when I am around but I also don't want them to not be able to play freely
X is the son of a very good friend and I don't want to offend her by saying the wrong thing.

I'm really confused by it all and was wondering if anyone had any advice or had experienced similar?

either sit friend down have a lagh about it and tell her to have a word - its all in how its couched.

or tell the kid in front of your son " this sin't behaviour for 5 year olds and i would like you to stop ok?" quite sternly.

Thanks custardo, I will see her tomorrow so I will have a word!

I would def have a VERY STERN word with your friend. Me being me I wouldn't probably let my DS play with the child anymore due to the severity. But I appreciate how hard this would be for you. bare minimum I wouldn't leave DS alone with X. DOES your DS actually want to spend time with X knowing what happens everytime? Your DS is my DS age and I think he needs to understand this behavior is wrong. I had to deal with something similar but not as severe with friends kids and their parents (who just sat back). They definitely knew me and DH were fuming but we are all still friends. I understand kid curiosity but this is way too far.

I know whatever you decide to do it will be hard but your DS is your priority not your friend or X.

Also anything like this (or worse god forbid) happening to X?

Thanka madhatter (love the name btw) they were playing yesterday and I didn't let them leave my sight at all and didn't see anything untoward. Except when they both anounced they needed to wee and my DS said - I'm not holding your welly I heard and told them that you didn't do that sort of thing.

He is very rough and tumble and does upset and hurt DS alot. but boys will be boys I suppose.

I mentioned it to friend yesterday and she laughed and said 'oh what is he like' I don't know where he gets that from.

DS gets it that it isn't right and I have told him he is right to tell me and to push X away if he tries anything. He is absolutely my priority.

I don't want him to go to X's house anymore at least until this all blows over, I think some time away will do him good, I can be confident nothing happens when I am there as there is no opportunity.

I don't think X sees anybody who would put him in that sort of position (I hope to god he doesn't) he has had a very confusing couple of years (this is the DS of the friend who lost her little boy last year).I asked him in a round about way yesterday what he plays with the 2 older boys he sees and nothing was said - not sure its my place to push?

Oh its a hard one. Thanks for the advice.

ladybuzz glad u like my name . I think ur friend is not taking it seriously and SHOULD. I know ur friend has been through a bad time but I think u maybe needed to be more stern with her and let her know it isnt funny or normal because she is going to do nothing. Wonder what else X gets away with? I've heard of boy/girl curiosity but NEVER boys touching/looking at other boys. Curiosity is 1 thing but pinning and forcing a child A LOT younger and smaller than u when they are upset and saying "NO!" is really bad (could continue to adulthood). It is not behaviour that should be laughed off by anyone especially his mother .

If X was my DS he would have KNOWN how wrong, angry and disgusted me and his dad were and we would do everything in our power to make sure it didnt happen again. Never mind feeling awful for the affected child and feeling bad ourselves that it happened at all. Not sure I would want to associate with people who dont correct or discipline their children.

I wouldnt let my DS play with them again. DS can do without friend's like X. Few reasons: it's disgusting, X mothers response, happens a lot and not just curiosity asking but FORCING. If ur friend is bothered by them not playing together and she is too stupid to understand why then make up story about due to age difference . Why bother putting ur DS in that nasty situation? Eventually he could be influenced by X to do the same to another friend or end up thinking it is normal because he keeps getting put in the situation.

Hope u dont think I'm going on. Just a point of view. Feel free to ignore.

Madhatter I totally agree, I already have numerous excuses for DS not going there

He plays really well with his 'girlfriend' and they are so very sweet and so innocent together its lovely - I would have no qualms leaving them alone ever.

I am a little by friends response, but her DS does get away with an awful lot, he can be very very naughty.

My DS would not get away with it so lightly either!

Thanks for letting me rant if nothing else, I will certainly not be leaving DS with him.

The thing is she looks after DS2 for me (no worries there, she never lets him out of her sight and she is fab with him). She is pg at the moment so that could also be a reason for her not having them - I feel awful for her but DS is MY priority like you say.

Bloomin eck!
I don't think I would be able to hold my tongue on this one.
That is not right.
The forcing is particularly bad. Though I can understand, I suppose, that X has clearly been witness to something and has decided that it looked like a good game. Logically it should be in a bed if that was what he saw.
But his parents should surely be explaining that this is something that mummies and daddies do, not 4.5 year olds.
And to have been given the word 'sexing'! Cripes!
I know you can be open about these things, and that is not necessarily a bad thing, but surely nicer words can be used?

Such a shame she is a good friend and you are in an awkward position with it all.
custardo couching? I have never heard that expression But I guess that is what this mother needs. For someone to sit her down and say, hmm, not sure you are handling this especially well.
Not me, thats for sure
Bull in a china shop comes to mind.

Feeling for you buzz. No help what so ever, sorry, but could not contain my rambling gob!

omg. phonecall to nspcc, imho!

would be quite worried about how X knows these words and this behaviour.
I'm pretty sure my older dc's wouldn't knw about sexing and humping or getting into bed with someone and kissing. That is very strange behaviour for someone so young.

Maybe someone else will think differently but I would be worried sick if it was my child doing that and even more worried if another (older child) was doing that to my ds.

If the mother is not taking your concerns seriously then I wouldn't let them play anymore.

And all that aside, if he is really rough with your ds and upsets and hurts him a lot, then I would stop taking hjim there as much.

Me again, if she looks after your ds how do you know that she isn't stopping things like that happening? If she doesn't see it as a problem then why would she stop it?
And these things have happened to our ds, so when did they happen? When she was looking after him?

ladybuzz no probs. Always here for you. We will have to get a north meetup organised so us and our DC can meet .

Little unsure if I would let your friend look after either of your DC's to be honest given her parenting style . What happens when she cant watch your DS2 every minute? Prime opportunity for X. When she her next hell child and the 1st one kicks off even more and probably get away with more than already. I personally definately wouldnt want DCs around them.

Sure I have tourrets just cant stop myself when it comes to kids and bad parenting. Especially me being all holier than thou .

Buzz for you having to deal with this - particularly with this friend as she has been through so much aswell.

I can't imagine DS1 being in that position or knowing those kind of words/behaviour etc - the worst he does is try and pee on DS2 in the bath

I have no advice but I think keeping your distance for a while (as best you can if she is looking after DS2) as I really would be uncomfortable about putting your DS1 in that position...but you do need to consider what could happen when DS2 gets a bit older.

Maybe have another chat with her and explain it to her- but be more serious and don't let her joke and pass it off.

Thanks ladies, the more I think about it the less I want them to be there. like I say I know I can ensure it doesn't happen when they are in my care but I don't want to let them go there anymore.

She means alot to me but not so much that I am willing to risk the wellbeing of my DC, i think I need to distance myself for a while and also to have a talk with her on a more serious level. Its her DS that has the problem in my opinion - I just don't want his knowledge or views to be passed onto mine.

housewife the first time he mentioned it they were in her care. This week though I was there with him and they were playing upstairs. only for half an hour but it is obviously long enough.

She does have a lax attitude to parenting and X gets away with murder, I don't think she would police the behaviour in the same way I would.

Sorry I am now ranting but it is going round and round in my head and driving me mad.

I think a small glass of vino may well be required tonight!

And thinking about it the last thing I want is for my DS to say it to another child and for them to think its coming from our household/family. I'm going to mention it to Nursery also incase DS metions anything there.

am very [shocked] DS1 who will be 7 in Oct, has absolutely NO idea what "sexing" is...or that it would take place in a bed, or that you kiss in bed? He is not naive and I am pretty much 100% sure that his friends are the same.....the only exception I could see would be if X had older (ie teenage) siblings that could possibly have influenced X.....

Stay away is my advice...not on

Sorry, you have to deal with this situation, Ladybuzz. Really hard when it is a good friend. I would definitely speak to her on a serious level - for her sake and the child's. At least she should know why you are withdrawing for a little while. I think you are wise to create some boundaries to protect your kids.

But the poor kid X. I know his behaviour isn't good, but at 4.5, this is hardly his fault at all, I do really feel for him. My ds1 is exactly the same age and has no idea what any of this is, despite the many other horrible things he has picked up at the school nursery..obviously X's family have been through a lot, and parenting can get a bit lax under those circumstances...but maybe now it this is the 'wake up call' to help them see they are not doing their child any favours. I imagine (hope) that it's 'just' that he has probably been watching inappropriate TV/ DVD's (maybe allowed to stay up too late if he is allowed to get away with a lot). My ds1 is always acting out what he sees on TV (Wonderpets etc!). In a child this age, I would hope he forgets quickly and moves on if his parents stop him watching anymore dodgy stuff.

Good Luck - but please do say something for X's sake.

personally I wouldn't let my child anywhere near this boy, where is he learning this from?. And I would definately have a stern word with his mother...bugger friendships..isn't your son more important.

Sorry to bring it up like this, but several of you have hinted at it. Why is this young boy behaving like this? What is he mimicking? Is it just something he has seen on TV/DVD or is someone doing this to him? Is he being abused? I don't know how you can raise this with his mother, but she would be the one who is best placed to know where he is being influenced from. If it were me, I would want someone to tell me, and if I couldn't place where it could be coming from, I would suspect that my child was being abused by someone. Who would stand by idly while there is even the possibility of that horror happening to their own child?