3.7 year old - still clingy after 3 years of being at nursery 2 days a week - anyone else ?

[herbgarden]

I have a DS 3.7 years and a DD who is 13 months. DS (with DD) goes to nursery 2 days a week when I work.

Each morning when I do drop off he tries to be brave and then crumbles. For 3 years he's been doing it....He is chatty sociable and friendly and has two particularly special friends who he plays with most of the day. When I'm gone he stops and doesn't ask for me.

Since September 2 mornings when I'm at home he goes to a pre-school. Our nursery isn't local so I thought that sending him to pre-school with kids who will hopefully go to school with him might help that transition later. He also is a child who likes company and "friends" to play with him so it keeps him occupied for a morning and he does love it (well he says he does). As soon as the parents leave and the children are taken over to the mat, he starts crying and clinging.

I don't tend to hang around. I give a kiss a cuddle and say "see you later when Mummy will come back and get you" or try to tell him that we'll be doing something nice later etc etc. I'm never late picking him up. He always always gets excited en route so I don't have a problem getting him out of the car to go in....

It's upset me a bit today I suppose as I was thinking about him going to school and that the environment will be so different and probably less cosseted to deal with the more clingy child......Also DH and are I going on a well needed 4 day break at the weekend with some friends and we're all leaving the kids with Granny. Both our kids spend lots of time (overnight too) with grandparents. I just don't know how to handle the leaving. Do I tell him way in advance and get him used to the idea or not specify the amount of time? It really isn't like we've never gone away and left them before I suppose it's just that he's a little bit older now and very sharp. You see, I'm getting myself in a right pickle . I really want to enjoy my time away but I can't help but worry.

Is your child like this?....please tell me he'll get better !!!

bump!

All of mine went through a peel off the legs stage, all have grown out of it in different ways. The eldest was in nursery full time same place right through, the worst age was 2-3, slowly started to improve from there, went to school age 5 without a backward glance, loved grannies, visiting friends and sleepovers and is now very confident teenager in some ways,eg first to stand up and make an off the cuff speech in class, but last to join a new club! just doesn't like being thrust into new situations.

DC#2 went part time to 3 different playgroups, from 18m-4 would not leave my lap,finally I got fed up when DC about 3, she was fine about 5 min after I left, but the daily crying went on for months , very wearing. She went to school age 4.10 and loved it at first, then reverted to hating it and crying every morning(although not bullied and fine in class). She changed schools to be with a friend and has never looked back, according to her teacher he has to remind her who the teacher is! Loves trying new things (wanted to try rugby!) but she can still be a whiny and miserable sort of person, so maybe clinginess can just be a more difficult personality, just have to get on with it and not pander to it as can't change it or parent it differently.

DC#3 goes to nursery p/t , got really attached to a staff member when 2 and when she left really went off the rails behaviour wise. For 2 years he clung, cried, tantrumed and clearly stated he hated nursery. When left quickly and cheerfully by a mum who by now had some experience of not pandering to clingy children, he would stand in the corner and not join in. But, he always had a good day playing and joining in when I was not there, according to staff. Age now 4.6, is slowly starting to come out of it, more good days than bad, I have high hopes for school transition not being an issue.

So you are doing the right thing, and he will get better. Its not wrong to cling and cry, he loves you more than anything else!.. and is only just learning the rest of the world can fill his needs too.

Most kids his age do not understand time. Is he happy to be told -sleepover at grans? tell him as late as possible in a simple matter of fact way what is happening, and when time comes to leave do as you do at nursery, be bright and breezy and ensure gran or grandpa has something ready he loves to do. Don't be too specific. I never made too big a deal about coming back either, stayed for a while talking and returned home in leisurely fashion.

Enjoy your time away you lucky thing!

Clear2U that is really interesting to hear about your three quite different children. I've been posting on the nurseries thread about having a difficult time with my DS who has cried on dropoff at nursery for over a year despite having a lovely time there, and has now started tantruming on pickup too, I can't win! I've been wondering how long this stage might go on for and what the transition might be like as from next Jan I'd like to switch him to the playgroup/nursery school of the school I'd like him to attend, and have been wondering about how he might cope with the switch. But just interesting to hear how it might be related to personality rather than being a stage of toddlerdom which I've been assuming up until now - and about how your DCs different experiences of childcare have not necessarily changed their reactions to it.

Hi my 3.6 year old does this for a period when he returns to nursery after holidays. I try to get there early during this time so it's quieter and less intimidating, and always leave smiling and waving at him even when he's crying and being restrained. It's really hard and often has me welling up outside - but it works after a few days and he's fine to go in again.
He's always fine within ten mins of me leaving anyway, but it is upsetting and makes me worry how he'll cope later in the year with school.
He's an august birthday which I do worry about - i'm assuming your son starts in sept clear2u? Cant believe my son goes at the same time but will be a full year younger!

lotster if he is only crying for 10 mins for a few days it is really nothing to worry about. At our school they get an introduction morning at school when parents can come in with them at first then go for a coffee and chat while the kids get to know their class for an hour, then all go home. When school properly starts they are only on half days at first as well. It works really well, I've never heard of a parent with settling problems for years.

Could you talk to the school about how they help the youngest in the year from being overwhelmed/ managing to keep up? There are sometimes indicators that a kid would be better being kept back a year but it is rare and I think you would know in your gut if this was the case.

Bondgirl77 Yes thats why I posted- if my experience is anything to go by if your kid is that way inclined for whatever reason there is not much you can do about it! But they do grow out of it and keeping cheerful and not making a deal of it helps. If he is a happy sociable chap most of the time he will be fine with other transitions.

Thanks Clear2U, I will enquire how they settle them in when I know what school we've been given. Two of our choices had nursery nurses which was good.

Goodness been off MN for a couple of days and have had replies - thanks - I do find it helps to hear others stories - it's just been a particularly bad week.

Thank you Clear2U for your helpful response about your experiences. I thought my DD was not going to be clinger but she's going through a phase at the moment. It's a typical 13 month phase though really.....

Lotster- My DS is a July birthday and as I mentioned in OP is off to school in September. Makes me want to cry thinking about it - My mum said that my brother used to cling to the coat pegs every morning (eeeks !). I think them going to a pre-school though is a good transition to school as it's less of a "nursery" cuddly environment but has the right amount of play/developmental and a friendly caring sort of environment - ours is staffed by ladies of, say, 40 upwards rather than nursery where most of ours are late teens early 20's so that's different too.

I was quite brave yesterday afternoon - after picking up DS we walked to the car and I sowed the seeds about going on a sleepover to Granny's which he thought was a good idea. I told him that Mummy and Daddy were going to have a bit of time together with our other friends and that our friends DD was going on trip to her granny's too so they could chat about it next time they met up. I've bought him a couple of little cheap pressies to wrap up and open when we're away. I know he'll have a lovely time but I hate that bit where I can see the panic in his face as I'm about to leave and he crumbles ...

God it does tear through you when you get that look doesn't it? Glad he thought it was a good idea