Parents of other despeately shy and sensitive toddlers PLEASE come and talk to me!

[RubiMama]

Sorry in advance if this ends up being a bit of a ramble. I am at the end of my rope with DS. About 6 months ago he started being more shy and fearful in general, barking dogs, new people, the hoover etc all made him run for cover and play dead. I know it's normal for toddlers to develop these kind of fears so I figured I would just handle it until it passed. But it has been escalating now to the point where it is totaly controlling my life. He is now 24mo btw and I'm a SAHM. He was never comfortable in groups of people, disliking too much noise etc so have been stickingto 1:1 playdates for past few months, but now he can't handle being around anyone other than immediate family. I can't queue up in the post office, or take him to a children's playground or even bump into anyone while out without him screaming "home mummy home" and he really is besides himself with distress. I recently read the book "The Highly Sensitive Child" and it descibed him to a tee. But it really hasn't giving me any strategies for coping with living with his behaviour. I could handle it if he just wanted to spend his whole time on my lap and be clingy, when we're in the company of others but he will run screaming to the door terrified out of his wits and I have to leave. He wants to spend his whole time in the house with me, or wth his gandparents. The isolation is driving me up the wall. Please can someone who has been through smething similar tell me this will get easier. And am I doing the right thing by giving him what he seems to need, i.e. peace and quiet, familiarity and security. I'm just so afraid he'll never want to come out of his shell. I am also 7 months pregnant, and I know this could have something to do with it, is he woried about what will happen when baby comes, having to share me etc?
Come on Mners, please share your wisdom with me....

BTW in case you think I am total softie, I am totally boundried with him about other issues, taking away things that are dangerous, saying no where I think it's appropriate and he will completely listen and cooperate, or whinge for ten secs and then get over it, but in these social situations it is totally different. I think he is genuinely threatened and overwhelmed

I think you should see your HV and ask for some strategies for dealing with his ebhaviour, building up his confidence in social situations. You both need the support TBh as it can't be easy for you to feel so isolated by his fears, especially as you are pregnant (congratulations btw)

I think that completely avoiding social situations is not the best thing in the long term, but can see why you are tbh.

All I can think of right now is to only meet up with very good friends,. warn them in advance what you are going to do and then arrive. Then sit by the door with him on your knee for a short while and slowly, repeating softly we are safe and together, but we are not going anywhwere we are here to see xxx. And in between talk to your friend, stopping occassionally to reassure him.

Then move closer in to the room every short while, not commenting on it, just repeating your reassurance when he gets upset, which it sounds like he will do. If he runs off from you, then tell him you are here and he needs to come back to you to tell you what is wrong. All the while acting as if nothing is really happening iyswim.

You need to the get the balance between care and disinterest which sounds a bit weird, but i hope you know what I mean?!

But, you do need support and talking to your HV would be a good start (though not is she is as useless as mine!)
Good luck

Thanks for your advice QuestionsAnswered. I tried this approach on one occassion and he really was so out of control I couldn't hold him on my lap, he was crying so much he couldn't hear what I was saying to him anyway. I persisted for an hour and then other people arrived and I figured I had imposed on other people's kindness enough. Now I think he has bad memory of that place and I can't even get him through the door without screaming and trying to escape . My thinking before was, I can stay and show him there's nothing to be scared of, but now I'm not so sure. That's only my perception isn't it. You can't force someone to feel comfortable with something, especially a highly sensitive overwhelmed toddler. Also it's getting to the point where I dread trying to meet up with anyone, because it's so likely to go wrong I feel it's asking too much of people to spend an hour with my crying child. Good advice about HV, although I don't actually have one! I should have mentioned I live in Athens and different system here. I think if I was going to get prof advice I would have to find a child psychlogist, which I am seriously considering.
Our social circle is already quite small and I have a few good and very understanding friends but we all live miles apart from each other and every time we get together it's at least 25 minute car journey, which just adds to my stress levels. Struggling with Athens traffic to even get there is a hassle and then the meet up inevitably goes tits up.

Sounds like you really do have your hands full. I would go ahead with the child psychologist if that is the only support you are able to receive. It is hopefully one of those things that as he gets older and increasingly verbal, he will be able to talk through his anxieties. Sometimes a good break from situations like this can 'reset' their mind frame, because it can so quickly become part of their routine of visiting and they almost need to forget that is what they do when they visit other people iyswim.

Using puppets to act out an event can often work for sensitive children who often like to know exactly what will happen as can creating a photo book of the places you visit, with photos of the rooms you go in to and the people you will see when there. You can then get it out before a visit and talk about what will happen.

I would also continue to rely on your friends, if they truly are good friends they won't mind, I know I wouldn't.

I can't really think of anything else, but hopefully someone else with more experience of this with their own child will come along and offer some advice for you.

Thanks, photo book is a great idea. And ISWYM about resetting his mind about visits. I was pondering that last night to DH. It's as if he is so primed to react that maybe we need to desensitise him a bit by cooling of on the meet ups but be careful to not get stuck in that habit i the log term. Thanks again for replying

Rubimama, my DS2 is also highly sensitive, so I can totally empathise with the whole crying and screaming at the slightest thing. He is now nearly 3, and I have to say the worst period for me was when he was just 2 - I literally dreaded going anywhere with him because I knew the smallest thing could set him off. I cried almost every day because I found his behaviour so difficult to deal with. How I envied people with "laid-back" children. Things that helped me were staying very calm about everything, to instill a sense of calm in him; accepting that he is who he is, instead of getting angry with him about his behaviour; enrolling him in a very nurturing, homely pre-school for a few hours a week (although it took a long time for him to settle, it has gradually helped him build up his confidence). Now he's a bit older, I can talk things through with him a lot more, so I always prepare him for any situation we're going to by explaining exactly what will happen and in what order. I personally think the worst thing you can do is shield him from social situations - he's living in the real world, after all, and is going to have to get used to dealing with other people/noisy places etc at some point. I hope this helps in some way - I'm still living through it with DS2, but he is definitely improving, albeit very gradually!, with age.

Thanks 2boytantrum. It's good to know I'm not the only one! I think I am beginning to accept that this is who he his and it is not just a phase, but I am struggling with how to live with it on a day to day basis. I don't want to sheild him from all social situations but at the same time it's just so stressful to take him anywhere, I can't seem to find a way of staying without traumatising him. After another disasteous meet up this morning we just had a quiet aternoon at home and he kept coming up to me for cuddles and saying" Sad Mummy, Sad" I think he feels now under some sort of pressure when we meet up with another mum and child, so I'm just going to try and get him more comfortable with being out and about, park, local market etc but it's hard as our options are so limited, no nice local libary for example. I'm sure you're right that it will get easier when we can talk abut it more easily. I would LOVE to find the right nurturing homely small pre school for him, but it doesn't seem to exist out here. Apart from being garish and overstimulating looking, most places insist you attend five days a week and the kids stay for 4 hours in the morning, it would be way too much for him. Sigh.......

I do really feel for you - I so understand how it feels to want to do social things with your child and to feel unable to. It must be awful to see him so traumatised, so I quite see how you would want to shield him from that. And you're right to take all pressure off him for the time being. Maybe try again in a couple of months - remember this could be a particularly bad phase that he'll grow out of. I couldn't even take my DS to the playground in case somebody tried to climb up the slide after him - now I can explain to him that people will come after him and if he wants to go on the slide he needs to accept that (seems ridiculous to have to go to those lengths of explanation, but there you go!)

I honestly think things WILL improve as he gets older and understands more. This time last year, I was in the depths of depression about DS2. Social situations can still be HUGELY stressful with him, but it IS getting easier, and it will for you too. And remember, you're not alone!

Hello RubiMama, my son is very similar and I really fell for you. In my case, my HV spotted his behaviour when he was at clinic (and she came to my house to see him)last summer. To cut the story short, he is going to have speech therapy and occupational therapy because he might have a condition called 'sensory processing difficulty (SPD)'. I am not sure if your child has the same condition, but might be helpful to google the word which give you access to some useful links.

I used to think he is just shy and being sociable will be good for him but I changed my mind after HV visit that there might be something really bothering him which I had not understood.

What I did then was to withdraw all social activities and cocooned ourselved for 3 weeks (!) just for him to be himself and happy - He just loved throwing stones in my allotment for the whole summer! And very slowley re-introduced other social settings.

With meeting friends, I started to visit a friend when her child is at nursery. Because he had many difficulties to deals with such as going in the building, meeting other mothers who constantly want to talk to him, plus dealing their children running to him... as a result, his reaction was 'go home!' So I just went to the door of the friends house for the first time - then just meeting the friend without her child the next ... Also, it helped to bring a CD he listens regularly at home and played it when actually entering the house.

Actually this CD became a passport to visiting friends. He is now able to stay in a house with one or two children as long as they ignore him and if he has the music for half an hour or so.

Still long way to go but things started move forward when I changed my aproach to him and tried to understand what is making him upset.

I hope some of my experience will be useful for you.

My DGS2 was like this when he was tiny, I do empathise. I'll ask DD to come on to explain her strategy but wanted to reassure you that he will get through this.
DGS2 is amazing now, a really confident & happy little boy. One of the positive things is that he is really kind and thoughtful, while having a good sense of fun.
You'll get through this, just take it easy and get anyhelp where you can.
Blessings for all of you.

Is he sensitive to loud noises, bright lights etc? Or is it just social sotuations that he finds difficult?

I think you should see your GP and ask for a referral. You need some help and there is no shame in asking for it.

Thanks for the support everyone!
He's not sensitive to bright lights, or loud noises, apart from the hoover and dog phase it's now just the social situations.
melmelly Thanks for sharing your experiences, I'm glad it's slowly getting easier for you. I've looked up SPD and although I'm not qualified to diagnose him I don't think he fits the bill; he's extremely well co ordinated, advanced langauge, and so on, and a friend of mine who knows him well is a paedeatric occupational theapist and she has always commented on this. I'm trying to follow up a recommendation for a child psychologist at the moment.
We had successful morning in park just now. Even though it was flooded with loads of teenagers with morning of school (grrr) we just sat on wall and watched them and the people with their dogs for ages. He was so calm and intent on observing and descibing everything. Then after about fifteen minutes he was happy to walk past the crowd and start riding his bike. He obviously needs to sit back and take everything in before deciding if it's safe to proceed. I'm gonna keep it low key like this for a while, and then as you did melmelly maybe stat meeting up with a friend who is without child or the time being!

Hi RubiMama,

I'm eathymama's DD. My DS2 was like this. He couldn't handle playgroup, unexpected visitors, if we went to his Nan's and a different fmily member was visiting her it would push him over the edge. He couldn't handle spontanaiety of any sort.

It was incredibly wearing and isolating for me.

I found that preparing him for what would be happening, where we were going, who would be there really helped him. At first I would draw a simple plan of the day, so him eating breakfast, getting dressed etc. So that would be a drawing of a cereal bowl, clothes. Then if we had to go somewhere I would draw that, (Dr's featured a lot as I was pg). Then maybe visit Nanny and I'd draw her house with big number on it.

I would pin this on the kitchen door and it really helped him focus on what was coming up.

As he got older I would be able to draw the next day's plans in the evening with him and he would have it on the wall by his bed.

This was in itself restrictive as we would have to follow the pln as much as possible but he seemed to feel so much more secure with having a firm idea in his head what the day would involve.

He did have very limited speech at that time too (so not a problem now at 6!) and I think it helped him feel in control.

I would recommend giving it a go. I really hope you find some ways of helping him cope with the world. DS2 always seemed like he was overwhelmed by everyday situations.

It sounds like you have had a good day with your DS today. Keep focussing on that, remind yourself that you can have them with him.

I have been having this problem also with our DS, he is normally ok in outside situations but going inside to a house or a small place with unfamiliar people is awful, he screams until sometimes he is sick. This also happened to me on holiday in my DH home country and he couldn't even stand to be with other family and kept asking for bed and go home even on one occasion he was sick. I empathise and i hope too that this will ease as he grows older( 24 months at the moment)

DS1 was a very sensative baby, his morrow relex lasted til he was 3 months and he never liked the sound of the TV or the radio. He was also cried a lot and at the time i never understood the premise that little babies are easy and you can take them anywhere!! At 3.7 years, he's still not that sociable (I am so I've found it quite difficult.) Toddler groups never worked at all, so we've tended to do playdates or structured activities like gymboree when he was little (though he never lasted the full 45 minutes). Now he's older, I tend to ask him what he wants to do and focus on activities that he's good at - currently we have swimming lessons and football. We also do 2 mornings a week at nursery (he couldn't do more than that), we 'll increase it to 3 next term as he'll have to get used to going to school.
He'd still much rather be a home with me. 2 incidentallies. DH is very similar, but DS2 is really outgoing.
Anyway in a nutshell, drop playgroups and do what you're doing with the one to one, but also try and do a couple of structured activities so he gets used to the routine.
Good luck x

BuckBuck Thankyou, that's a great idea. Will do it. Can I ask how old your DS is now, and how he coped with starting school and so on?
shomes poor you, I feel your pain! From the advice I've been getting so far, it sounds as though things will ease as our boys get older. Hope some of the advice people hae given might help you too. Hang in there.
Karoleann Thanks for your tips. So far he can't handle structured activities as the environment and crowd of new people are too overwhelming, but that's what I'm aiming for eventually! Am also focussing on his strenths, loves being outside, riding bike and climbing so giving him loads of oppotrtunity for that. Had though, like you I'm really sociable and he'smaking me into a hermit. Planning a few nights out to kee me sane before DC2 arrives...

Isn't it interesting that all the examples are boys?

DS was also very much like this, from the ages of 2-4 - terrified of group social situations, surprise events etc etc. Like some of the posters below I found the key things were (i) accepting it rather than getting angry and frustrated; and (ii) lots of advance planning. In relation to (ii) I found that the key was both to stick to current plans, and to agree on DS's level of participation and then stick to it, rather than encourage him to participate more. For example, birthday parties were a big issue - I found that if I told him we would go and it would be OK if he sat with me and didn't participate in the activities, that worked well, as long as, when we got there, I stuck with that (and didn't start along the lines of - well, you're doing so well, why don't you just try joining in etc etc). I think really a question of building up his trust that I wouldn't push him to do more than he felt capable of. I found it quite frustrating and irritating but in time he decided to start joining in, bit by bit, on his own.

He is five now and still wary of new people, new situations, and big crowds, but a lot better. He will go on playdates on his own provided he has been to the relevant house and met the parents a couple of times before, for example (but gets hysterical at the idea of going to a house he hasn't been to before, for example). I did read the highly sensitive child, some of it rang true (but not all) - particularly the bit about some animals having the instinct to thoroughly "check" situations /scenes before entering into them.

Mmm, I was thinking the same thing about it having been all boys mentioned so far.
It's interesting what you say about building up trust by sticking to an agreement about his level of paticipation in a situation. I'm definitely going to follow your advice.
He's had a really happy couple of days just hanging out with me and being in the park. And today when he got overwhelmed by the number of kids he said "home" but not in such a panic mode. I did manage to get him to sit on my lap immediately instead of his usual bolting and getting more hysterical. He listened while I explained I had to go and collect my bag and his bike from various corners of the park and he chose to stay on the spot til I came be back, which he did. I'm tying to get him to change his panic reaction from 'Home!' to "Mummy lap!' so he gets security without always having to flee. I hope we might be getting somewhere.

Thanks everyone for some great advice you're really helping me to manage this

I agree it's interesting that it's all boys. This thread has been really useful for me too, as there are tips that I hadn't thought of too. One thing I find hard is other people's reactions to DS2. Just yesterday, I mentioned something that DS2 found particularly difficult to cope with and a mum replied "Oh, but he finds everything traumatic, doesn't he" I found it quite upsetting to think of other people seeing him in that way. But once again I have to accept him for who he is and not expect him to conform to other people's expectations. Bloody irritating though!

Oh that's really harsh isn't it? I've been thinking that lately I've been contibuting to other people's perception of my DS by the way I've been talking about him. I suppose only because I've been really desperate and seeking advice but I realise I don't want to plant in everyone's head that he has 'issues' and is a difficult child. He is amazingly loving, observant, self sufficient, co operative, communicative, and and more. He is uncomfortable in new and unpredicctable situations and what's wrong with that. So am I to be honest. In fact the more I think about hm the more I realise he's like me. Only as adults we are used to saying I do or don't like this, and usually we've come to terms with who we are feel ok to do so. But maybe with our children we expect them to conform to norms such as enjoying playgroups and parties and playdates because that's what's out there and it's what most people do. I'm gonna start bigging him up in my head and making sure I model the idea that he's entitled to have preferences, because high self esteem is more important than just fitting in, isn't it?

I read the HSC book when DD was about 3 and I felt great relief as it made me realise that DD was pretty normal, but that she just had slightly different perceptions/needs to other people.

Once I had accepted her character/needs, things started to get easier. If we were going out I would tell her the DAY before (yes, I know). I would describe the journey, the place we were going and the people we would see (with photos if possible).

She used to cling my legs when we went to grandparents but over time has grown into a much more confident girl. School has helped her a great deal.

All I can suggest is that you try and accept DS for who he is but continue to put him in challenging situations so that he can learn from them. He is probably over-dramatising things at the moment because you are pregnant and all the issues that brings.

It is very hard but you can help him by letting him be who he is and not getting cross with him for it. And if you can, try not to make excuses for his behaviour and dotn tell everyone he is 'shy' - just explin that he is finding the situation difficult and he;ll come out if it in his own time.

It is so hard. You do have my sympathy.

My dd almost 3 is like this. She is shy around new people and situations. She is not keen on my dh mum but seems to have a good relationship with my mum. DD is also not keen on one of my friends, even though we have known each other for about 2 years, crys when my friend comes into our house, but is ok but a bit wary when we go to hers. When we meet new people she is totally uncomunicative, i do get so embarrassed. DD must take after dh who is really shy, homebody who does nto like social situations either oh no.