Is your child 'stand-offish' with other children?

[Rosieeo]

My dd is 4; very open, enthusiastic, bubbly and confident. Trying to be objective, she can be a little full-on and (dare I say) a bit bossy, but she loves other kids, wants to play and be their friend. She's also very innocent and child-like in her manner (I know that sounds like a bizarre thing to add, but I think some children, especially those with older siblings act in a more mature fashion).

At nursery she is fine and seems to have lots of friends, but I've noticed that a few times when she has approached children we don't really know (at soft play or when the older kids are out playing on the street) a few of them have ignored her, run away or just stood and looked at her while she chats away at them.

When this happens she gets quite upset and always asks me what's wrong with them/did I say something wrong/don't they like me etc. So far I've just said that maybe they're shy, but tbh I don't really know why they act like that! DD is my eldest and I don't know a lot of kids that age.

Can anyone shed any light on this so that I can reassure her a little?

I think it sounds like she's quite bright and some kids can be a bit taken aback by someone who is much more confident/talkative than them. You could suggest that she just stands near them and plays a bit before she introduces herself so they can get used to her being there first? Or alternatively just steer her towards the kids that do like to talk to her? Kids can be funny sometimes, they are often just too busy doing other stuff to bother with a new person.

Dd1 was a bit like this but seemed to develop her own tactics to get herself involved with people (I find this sort of thing fascinating!) e.g. she would waft about nearby for a while, then make some sort of noise or movement to attract attention, then copy what the object of her interest was doing, then after a while go and introduce herself.

It was like watching birds in the wild or something! It worked though, bizarre as it may sound, hence my earlier suggestion.

dd2 on the other hand is quite standoffish and often ignores people completely, if she feels that way inclined ( we are working on manners at the moment!), but she is generally a little bit demented so could equally be at the other end of the spectrum and overdo the friendliness. However she's over a year younger than your dd so not sure that's relevant.

my dd is 4 and just the same! for example we were in the park yeasterday and she was playing on the climbing frame at the same time as another little girl so dd said 'hello my name is *** whats your name?' the little girl just looked at her, dd kept asking and the girl kept looking so in the end i just said come on dd she doesn't want to talk lets go play over here

i guess its just different characters?

I'll definitely mention about waiting before diving in head first, sounds like a good strategy. Patience is not her strong point, but I can certainly try to encourage her.

Goddess, that's exactly the kind of thing dd would do, something very similar happened in a restaurant today. I find myself almost calling her off and then she asks the questions.

I know it sounds a bit maudlin but I don't want that lovely, happy enthusiasm for meeting other people to be soured through being rebuffed . For such a confident little girl she seems quite sensitive to how other kids respond to her. She told me that a girl at nursery 'keeps shuffling away from me when I sit next to her' and I just don't know what to say.

I know it's not a big deal and she's only 4, but this is the first time she's been upset by others. I think it's probably upset me more than her

I suspect mostly the other children are a bit shy, or just taken aback by a complete stranger coming over to chat. My dss are somewhat at the end of the spectrum that would see a stranger chatting to them as an invasion, which I find a bit of a shame as I think they miss out by having that attitude. However, I guess if you start out by being wary of strangers and new people, you are protecting yourself from the ultimate hurt that those with an initially more outgoing and positive view of people have when they realise that not everyone likes them or wants to play with them. You would hope that as children get older, the more reserved learn to trust people a bit more and the more outgoing learn to temper their enthusiasm a bit (rather than retreating into their shells). I doubt it will put your daughter off reaching out to people, as she probably gets a positive response to her friendliness more often than she gets a negative one. And people like your dd help my dss realise that it is a good thing to be socially brave and to look for the best in people.

Some are naturally wary of strangers of any age. Some are very outgoing. All children have to go through the painful process of finding out that there's lots of different types in the world, and all types have advantages and disadvantages. It's not easy to realise that everyone else doesn't think or react the same way you do, and that this doesn't necessarily make them 'wrong'.

Good points by rabbitstew about the way it evens out later on... And I do also agree that as an outgoing person you are open to a lot more opportunities for rejection, so for you as the parent looking on, you're noticing it and it's painful for you - I used to feel offended on behalf of dd1 whereas she would generally be over it within a few minutes! If you think she's ok at nursery then that's a really good thing.

I do understand what you've all said about being taken aback when a complete stranger marches over and starts yattering away! I suppose if that happened at the bus stop you might think the person was a bit mad!

It hasn't put her off yet, so fingers crossed that the positive reactions have more weight than the less positive ones. And she seems to be just fine at nursery. Thank you!