Settling in cot at 13 weeks

[KarenPea]

Help! I have a toddler and a new baby of 13 weeks.

As a baby my toddler was always an awful one for not being able to settle himself. He was not a "sucky" baby. He wouldn't take a dummy, suck his hands, suck any toys, teething rings when teething etc.. We used to get him off to sleep by rocking in our arms when tiny (for longer and longer each night) then popping into his cot. I used to try absolutely everything to settle him in his cot without rocking but he would scream the moment I laid him down in there. Eventually he got too big to rock and it was a nightmare.

With my new baby I thought I'd better start off early getting her used to her cot. She's been a good sleeper at night for weeks now - 11.30 until 7.00 but would not settle all evening and was crotchety. So I started off by rocking her gently in her car seat from 7 so she would get used to being asleep in the evening which worked. She would doze then start to wake so I'd rock her a little and she'd doze again... Once she was settled or after dream feed she'll go back into her cot then sleep there all night.

Since she was 12 weeks I thought I should try to get her to go off to sleep in her cot now so that she gets used to it but it's not working! Firstly she has decided she doesn't want to take dummies anymore (I would prefer she takes a dummy for a few months than all the screaming and heartache we had with my son) and secondly she just will not settle in her cot whatever I try. Patting doesn't calm her. Rocking doesn't calm her (I made the cot into a rocking cot). She is desperately sucking at her hands like she wants to suck her thumb but gets frustrated with this and won't take a dummy.

I ended up in tears tonight as she got so upset and screamed so much that she was sick everywhere (even though I was holding her for quite a while by then I think she was overtired and wouldn't calm herself).

I hope I don't seem too awful by trying to do this when she is so young. I was just hoping to avoid all the trouble and tears that we had with our son later on. Please don't suggest having her in our bed as I would be too nervous to do this personally.

I just want your thoughts on whether I should leave it a few weeks and try again or if she won't start to form bad habits until later? To make things more complicated I often have to do bedtimes for my toddler and baby alone as my husband works shifts so its impossible to spend hours settling her before my toddler is in bed. I do do a bath for her each night followed by a bottle then she stays on the bed with us whilst I read bedtime stories.

I just feel like its happening all over again and I am fairly sure other people have babies who love snuggling down for a sleep in their cot, so I feel like I must be doing something majorly wrong. Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

Mine hated his cot until he was nearly one. TBH I could see his point - he'd rather be snuggled up with me than alone in a big lonely cot - fair enough!

It was stifling though so we did the rocking but then added in rhythmic patting which we could continue as we put him down. As he got older we could spend less time rocking before he'd let us put him down, and we started putting him down while he was still just awake. As long as we patted it was fine. patting ceased completely when he was old enough to enjoy and follow simple stories (before 18 months IIRC).

IMO it's easier to put in a little bit of effort which is tedious, every night, than have several nights of hell battling with a child who just feels insecure without you being there.

Sweetie...don't cry...how does your toddler sleep now?

Try swadding in a lovely stretchy blanket to keep her feeling snug and as you put her down have your hand on her patting away in the room that is dark and quiet. Spend 5 mins doing this and then lighten your touch for a couple of minutes and then keep your hand still for a couple of minutes and then lift it off.approx 10 mins
If she cries, start at the beginning...
Have a drink and a comfortable postition to sit in so you don't feel stressed and breathe slowly and calmly.

Bathing and stories and her being with you and your toddler is how I do it with the children I look after and it works well. I then say goodnight to the toddler and begin the baby bedtime routine.I no longer need to do it now as within 5 mins of crying...but not distressed crying just baby talking moaning sort of crying, they falls asleep. The toddler goes to bed well though so it is easier

I tried making the cot not seem as big as it is eg I put baby in width-ways rather than length-ways. Also once I figured out roughly when baby was having naps, I amde sure naps took place in the cot so my DDs got the idea that cot was for sleeping in.
It did help. Also I included DD2 in Dd1's bedtime routine from around 6 weeks - bath, story, bed (and feed for DD2), so again baby soon got the whole day/night, bedtime = sleep thing.
I hope this makes sense , am tired and the red wine is kicking in!

Thanks for the replies

"so we did the rocking but then added in rhythmic patting". This was what we did with our son but then it started not to work after a time. I guess I should stop thinking "oh gawd they are the same" though as perhaps it will work better with her. I really hope so I just get this dreadful feeling....

Don't worry it's the first time she's made me cry out of frustration I think so she'd doing well for a newborn

My toddler sleeps unbelievably well now but we had to listen to him cry himself off as eventually nothing we could do would calm him and this is what I really really don't want to face again. Funnily enough even putting our toddler in our bed wouldn't have worked because he finds that so exciting - last time I tried it when he was ill he just got excited and bounced around patting me on the head saying "mummy wake up wake up wake up" then when I asked him to sleep doing a pretend loud snore then starting the bouncing around again

I did try swaddling in the early days but she didn't seem to like it particularly. I tried it tonight and she went crazy as it was stopping her from sucking on her hands. I guess trying to do it when they've already had a melt down (although she was calm at the time) is not a good plan.

I will try to be calm and think its early days. I will try swaddling tomorrow and if she hates it will try rocking patting plus adding the towel idea (which is a good point I think about making her snug!)

Thanks for the words of support. Out of interest how old can you swaddle for do you think? I remember now that I did go back to swaddling my son for a while but then I started to feel bad about doing it when he got older and especially for daytime naps (oh yes we had the same struggles eventually with daytime naps too as he hated going for any type of sleeps).

cktwo that's good advice too will give that a shot. LOL I have had the red wine too

swaddle normally depending on size and activity of baby till about 3-4 months then into grow bags! Love these things...never existed when my 2 were little,no hard and fast rule though.
Not all like swaddling but giving everything a go for 4-5 days gives you a chance to see if things are working as swapping every 2-3 days just gets frustrating for all concerned!!

Thanks feeling much better now. It's also got straight in my head about how to get both toddler and baby sorted at night thanks mrspoppins!

I was stressing thinking how am I going to get baby off before I settle toddler and you are right I should do it the other way at the moment. I was doing it toddler first when she was teeny and asleep most of the day but then I got it in my head that she would get too tired now. She has a late afternoon nap so hopefully she won't.

My husband called me from work and he thinks swaddling is the way to go. He's often more perceptive than me with little teeny ones and he thinks that her sucking on her hands is actually winding her up as she can't quite soothe herself this way. So swaddling and making snug it is tomorrow after toddler is all set.

Have lovely weekends all!

PS woombies look cool dwaynedibbley (oooh just remembered what your name is from!) but will hold off for a few days until I know what is working as I tend to do impulse buying of baby stuff that I end up not using!

lots of luck... xx

WOW.
Only one night of many still to go but it worked like a charm tonight! She got upset whilst I was still reading my toddlers stories but husband hadn't quite gone to work so he took over. Once I'd swaddled her and laid her down in her new snuggly cot she smiled up at me happily! Quite different than screaming!

So no need to pat her or anything I left a low light on and radio static (which we think helps her) then walked out. A few minutes later and she was asleep. She did her usual waking up again after around 40 mins but only grizzled a bit and went straight back to sleep.

I won't think its all sorted already but thanks so much to you all for at least one evening of peace

ssshhhhh quietly saying well done!