Cutlery at 20mths? Nursery issue : (

[spongebrainbigpants]

DS is 20 mths and mainly eats with his hands - we did BLW, so he's always fed himself and doesn't really use cutlery. We do put cutlery out at mealtimes, and he sometimes uses it but then gets bored and goes back to using his hands (up until recently he even ate yoghurt with his hands which was impressive to watch! ).

Anyway, we weren't remotely worried about this until dh picked him up from nursery today and the nursery nurse asked whether we fed him. Dh was a bit taken aback at first thinking was she asking if we fed him enough! But what she meant was did we feed him with spoons. When dh said no, he feeds himself, she said they'd tried to make him use his cutlery at lunchtime and he'd had such a meltdown he'd fallen asleep at the table .

He didn't get many more details (he was shell shocked tbh), but I can't believe they upset him so much about something so trivial. I can't bear the thought of my happy little man being told off for something so unimportant.

I'm going to have a word with them next week, but just wanted a quick straw poll - is it especially unusual for him to be eating with his hands at 20 mths, should we be doing more to make him use cutlery, and if so how?!

Don't want him to be upset like this, but feel it should be our choice when he does this and the nursery should have spoken to us first .

Well it seems like they have handled this poorly, and it is a shame that he was so upset.

I don't think it's any big deal, but in answer to your question - both mine were using cutlery (or attempting to) by 12 months. Not consistently, and not ever tidily - we just always let them have their own little set from being tiny. If I were you I'd just make them available for him to use if he wants, and make sure you eat together enough that he sees you to copy.

F eats with a combination of hands and cutlery depending on the food in front of him. He did manage to get yoghurt in his hair at bed time today, right after bathtime

I'd tell the nursery that they can offer cutlery, but you feel he should be allowed to feed himself how he'd like. If they want to encourage him, what about letting him play with spoons in a sand tray? But I'd not be fussed... (am possible a negligent mother as I seem to say this far too often...)

ds2 started using a fork/spoon at around 16 nmonths despite them always being available previously.
that said he doens't always use cutlery, he often eats with fingers still at over 2 yrs old!

so, i don't think it's abnormal in any way, but i guess a lot of children do use cutlery by then

i would be fuming at them making him so upset over it though!!!

Thanks mazzy, we do always make it available, but he tends to hold it in one hand and use his other hand to eat!

Anyone else?

x-posted - thanks AH, good idea.

thisisyesterday, that's why I'm so upset - A loves his food and if they tried to take it away from him if we wouldn't use his cutlery he would have been so upset. That he cried so much that he fell asleep at the table breaks my heart .

Just to make you all feel smug- my friend's 26mo DD doesn't feed herself at all, she is totally spoon fed still!!

My 23 month old eats with cutlery and her hands. If she was told to just eat with cutlery, I think she would, but I let her get on with what she wants and she doesn't go to nursery.

I think that in general, nurseries like to encourage "good" table manners, so this is maybe why they tried to make him use cutlery.

I would let him eat his stuff at home however you want but consider putting some chunks of stuff on his plate so that he can spike it with a fork, and make it into a game. Also you could get him some nice cutlery with characters on to interest him.

I don't think that they should have pressurised or upset him, but their intentions were OK I suppose.

in fadct, the more i think about it the more it upsets me and he isn;'t even my child!

so he was really upset, and what happened? they just left him there to fall asleep????
none of them picked him up and comforted him? none of them helpe dhim feel better and have some lunch?
i mean really, having seen he was so upset you would think they would have given him a cuddle and tried to calm him down wouldn't you? not just left him there til he fell asleep

Aww- poor little guy. I can't remember when my boys started using cutlery (they still use their hands when they can get away with it aged 11!) but he's still a baby really at 20 months and I can't see why this is a massive issue at all. He'll learn as he watches others eat. Sounds like they pushed it far too hard to me.

Sponge - so at nursery for you! I would be livid if DS was made so upset over something like that.

DS is also 20m, did BLW, used hands for yogurt, cottage cheese, etc. Since about 12m have given him cutlery with each meal but he will rarely use it...we are (now) totally unconcerned about this. I inquired about it on MN at about 14 months and was given the excellent response that he won't likely go off to college eating this way - cutlery will come whenever he decides that it's a more efficient way for him to eat. It put it in perspective and allows us to enjoy his baby/toddler stages.

Would definitely have a word with nursery - not so much about the use of cutlery exactly but why they would make him so upset over such a thing?

I had something similar when Ds started nursery at 18mo. The first time he was there for lunch I said he was fine eating it with his fingers and they said they encouraged the children to use cutlery (that was me told). DS was happy to go along with it thank goodness and picked it up in a few weeks. DD is almost 18 months and they've been teaching her too (which is a good thing as I forgot).

I hope that if your DS's nursery have any sense they will take it step by step and let him take his time learning to use cutlery. I can't imagine they want him getting so upset he ends up having any more tantrums at the table.

I don't know what happened tbh - this is what I need to find out. Dh did pick up and didn't get all the details. When he fell asleep he was put on his mat and slept for two hours.

It makes me feel so . He's such a happy boy and this is such a silly thing to upset him about.

If it had been him pulling hair, or hitting/biting or something then I would expect them to come down fairly hard on him. But cutlery? FFS .

ds is 25 months and uses cutlery to poke his sister eat some days, but by no means every day

Oh, spongebrain, that would upset me too Can you have a word with them about that, as a separate issue to the cutlery? Say that you don't expect them not to discipline him at all (e.g. if he is hurting the other children) but for issues like this which can be dealt with at home that you would rather they let you deal with it yourselves.

On the cutlery issue DS is 16 months and doesn't really use cutlery but will pretend to - ie I give him a spoon and he will tap it on his tray and then put it into his mouth, but with nothing on it. I got him into using a fork for a bit by stabbing things with him and making it into a game but again he doesn't really eat food with it - but maybe they would be happy with that as progress?

Do you think the actual issue may have been that he was over tired rather than a disagreement about cutlery? Certainly it sounds like the way mine behaved when tired - they'd get worked up/meltdown over the smallest thing even though I'd not made a huge deal about it and then they'd go and fall asleep.

None of them have ever fallen asleep as a direct result of the meltdown, the ferocity of the meltdown was a symptom of tiredness.

maybe he only got so upset becuase he was tired though?

ime toddlers are often horrible for about 10 mins before they go to sleep in the day

At my DDs infant school in Spain cutlery was introduced gradually.

The littlest ones aged 1 were spoon fed
but I think they could also eat with their hands.
From age 2 to 3 they only had spoons and mostly fed themselves.
Age 4 they had spoons and forks.
The big ones aged 5 to 6 had spoons, forks and knives and felt very grown up.
No-one was ever told off for using their fingers to 'help' food onto the cutlery.

x-posted, thank you for the support and advice.

I really don't have any problem with them trying to teach him to use it, but they should have spoken to us first and they should certainly not have pushed it so hard .

Don't know how to handle this with nursery tbh?

How hard did they push it?
Did they actually take his food away?

Or did they gently try to persuade him to use his cutlery and, being over tired, he completely lost it?

Is it possible that the meltdown was more to do with being knackered and asked to do something new, than being encouraged to use the cutlery (are you sure he was really "told off"?).

I say this because you sound like a sensible person who wouldn't have chosen a draconian nursery.

Is he tall for his age?

I remember being told how wonderful and how clever and how articulate and how intelligent and how independent and how capable my perfectly average Ds2 was when he was just 3.

He wasn't. He was just the size of an 18 month old baby. i had to keep reminding them to take him into the 'older preschool kids' room away from all the crawlers, because they babied him horribly, and I'd like to say that the extra attention was good for him, but in fact he now has a bit of a stroppy Ishoo if anyone tries to help him or praise him for being a big boy, and bellows "I will be 4 in April!"

My rambly point being, have they perhaps forgotten what a very young toddler they are dealing with?

i would just ask them what happened

i would ask why it upst him so much

and i would ask how long he tantrummed/cried for before he fell asleep

that is the key issue for me. i mean, he didn't just start crying and then fall asleep instantly, which means he was left crying and upset at the table, which i would be really cross about.

i would ask them what their "policy" on cutlery use is and why it has only just come to light.

It might have been tiredness, but this is v uncharacteristic of his behaviour - he is normally a v happy boy, and lunch is a fun time followed by a nap that he is happy go down for. He usually only melts down when he's refused something rather than when he's tired.

Oops, sorry, x posted again - not a draconian nursery at all, and I will just go and ask for the whole story first rather than get angry and then find out I'd got the wrong end of the stick. However, as thisis says, he must have been crying for a long time to actually fall asleep at the table .

coldtits, he's not v tall but is in a group with older children so that could be part of the problem.

"he must have been crying for a long time to actually fall asleep at the table" Not necessarily IME. DS2 particularly used to fall asleep mid mouthful with food in his hand.

Just from the story as given here, I can easily see a scenario where they've tried to get him to use cutlery and he's refused, lost it at further persuasion and fallen asleep as he was actually very tired. Especially as he stayed asleep when moved and slept for 2 hours.

Assuming you've had no other red flags from the nursery.