Help, 3 1/2 yr old difficulties

[Woollymummy]

I do promise I will read other posts at some point but I would like to ask for some general advice first. My DD is very argumentative and controlling, picky about the slightest thing, wants to change things, we have unfortunately let her get to this state and need urgent advice on how to proceed. Her nursery is worried about her outbursts, her fussiness over little details and her lack of self-control. I have obviously learnt her foibles over time and have worked out strategies for avoiding confrontation. However, other people don't know her likes and dislikes: I feel I should just go in at the deep end and start afresh, new routines, ditching "favourite" plates/spoons/tights etc which often lead to arguments, and insist on good behaviour when dealing with new things. One major problem for nursery is my DDs unwillingness/inability to go to the loo when everyone else does, i.e. just before snacktime. I have been getting more success and less confrontation at home with her if I just let her go when she needs to and sit for as long as it takes (she seriously needs to relax to do her rather large poos!) I feel nursery is wanting her to be very conformist about the toilet, and this is probably at the root of her problems there. What do you advise? Sorry for the horrendously long post.

x

Toilet at a set time? At 3 1/2 years old? You've got to be kidding! Some of them would only have been toilet trained for 6 months or so! I would insist that she is allowed to go when she needs to. It's a very unusual stance for a nursery to take, and suggests a lack of experience on their part! Is it private nursery or one attached to a school? As for the obsessive behaviour - it can be quite normal in young children to be obsessive about their routines. I'm afraid mine have never been set in their ways, so have no words of wisdom!

Back to the toilet issue: I teach KS2, and while they are old enough to just go at breaktimes, and this is a school 'rule', lots of year 3 kids struggle to start with, and many of them never quite get to grips with it, even by year 6! I wouldn't dream of stopping a child who clearly needed the loo from going! And some of them just can't make themselves go until they're at desperation point! If it's good enough for 7-11 year olds ...

Toilet at a set time? At 3 1/2 years old? You've got to be kidding! Some of them would only have been toilet trained for 6 months or so! I would insist that she is allowed to go when she needs to. It's a very unusual stance for a nursery to take, and suggests a lack of experience on their part! Is it private nursery or one attached to a school? As for the obsessive behaviour - it can be quite normal in young children to be obsessive about their routines. I'm afraid mine have never been set in their ways, so have no words of wisdom!

Back to the toilet issue: I teach KS2, and while they are old enough to just go at breaktimes, and this is a school 'rule', lots of year 3 kids struggle to start with, and many of them never quite get to grips with it, even by year 6! I wouldn't dream of stopping a child who clearly needed the loo from going! And some of them just can't make themselves go until they're at desperation point! If it's good enough for 7-11 year olds ...

Oops - you get to read it twice!

Woolly, I'm assuming that they let her go at other times if she needs to.

At DS's nursery, they all go to the loo at snack time or just before circle time so none of them have to go when they should be sitting quietly, rather than only being allowed to go at certain times.

I found with DS that the more you give in to foibles, the more picky they become. I ran myself ragged with which cup he wanted so finally got rid of all of them and bought 4 identical beakers, so there was never an option. Everything else became a choice, all of which I was happy with. The stricter I became the easier it got.

Having said that, DS is still a nightmare in many ways

thanks for your thoughts, I think DD is allowed to go when she needs to, but they want her to be doing what the older ones in her year do, and she gets agitated if she needs to go but is being hassled. really needs to be left alone to do it , and they do toileting all in a big group, one by one though, IYSWIM.

x

Of course, the sensible part of my brain kicked in AFTER I posted my 'what the hell?' response! I see what you mean though - sometimes you just want to be given a bit of space in the loo! Bless her - it doesn't sound like it helps much.

I think assumetheposition's right about the strictness though. And if you think her obsessions are getting out of control and you want to tackle it, you'll probably find it easier to go 'cold turkey' and get all the worst reactions to the changes over and done with in one fell swoop rather than bit by bit.