naughty toddler and newborn, wits end

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

My 21 month old was the best behaved little boy on earth. Everyone commented on this and life was easy.

He stayed with my mum for a week last week while I had a c section. He has come back to a new sister. He visited us in the hospital etc and loves his baby sister.

However, the days have turned into tantrums from the moment he wakes to the moment he goes to sleep. He screams or cries or whines none stop and shouts 'no' to anything we say. He smacks, kicks, throws things and when he wanted to cuddle DD, he ended up kicking her.

I can't stand the noise and he's draining me. Plus DD breastfeeds a LOT.

what can I do? Involving him is not working.

its his age, my dd is just the same. you need to start time out or the naughty step or similar.

does he get alot of attention from you when ur not BF your dd? he may be lacking in it - thinks hes being pushed out? was he BF? when was he weaned if so?

my dd is the same at the mo and has been for the past 6 months since living back at my moms.

my sister went through it with her DD when her DS was born in Nov. She was acting up, normally a pleasent girl and my sis went to toilet and her dd went upstairs to the baby and pulled him off the bed (was only a week old) and held him by his neck over the stairs! my sis came back just in time.

from what I know, you just have to try include them in as much of baby's day to day life as poss and when they overstep the mark, explain and use a disciplinary method.

I hope that when your DD grows up shel give him a kick or too back

It is just a phase and will pass - I promise! He's acting out because he's having a huge adjustment from being an only child to having a sibling - best thing to do is try and get family to come and help out, take the baby for an hour or two here and there, and have plenty of quality one on one time with your DS (and offer lots of hugs/cuddles etc in the interim). DS1 was nearly 3 when DS2 was born and is a pretty good boy most of the time but he acted up when DS2 was really little - having one on one time with him really helped and as he got more secure, his behaviour improved and he started to take an interest in his baby brother.

It is just such a big change, and he is still so little. Also he was bound to get a few toddler tantrums at some point, they don't often stay well behaved for ever. I think it is one of the hardest things I went through. I had the same gap, although my ds was already a little challenging by the time dd arrived.

I personally think he is too young for the naughty step. My main tip would be to plan as much as possible for the stressful times. Have a special box of toys to bring out when bf, watch tv too, it is not fatal. Make sure you can get out somewhere where he can let off steam, this will help a lot. Toddler groups are good as someone will hold the baby while you give him some attention.

Otherwise I would try to give his as much postitive attention as possible. I know this seems impossible, but honestly if he even stands by the baby for two seconds you could tell him how calm he is being around the baby. Try to be specific.

And remember it will pass...

Oh yes - positive reinforcement (telling DS1 that DS2 loved him, thought he was the best big brother in the whole world) and occasional little presents (pack of chocolate buttons, magazine) from DS2 to DS1 went down a treat too - and helped form a good bond. It will get better - honestly - just hang on in there...

Thanks guys, in the process of trying these things out, lets hope they start to work.

The little girl hanging her brother over the stairs by his neck is terrifying. What is she like with him now?

shes ok with him now, hes 3 months old...luckily no obvious signs of a 'long neck' (no ,i shouldnt joke, poor thing)

well she sometimes has her moments whn she gets a tad jealous, and its perfectly normal, now she doesnt hurt him, she just stays completely away...until someones else gives him attention, then she will be like 'thats my baby that is' or 'hes my brother'.

my sis said her heart jumped (she has high blood pressure already, since 16yrs) and her heart literally reached the boy before her legs did...ygm?

I can sympathise as my DS started playing up a lot after his sister was born last autumn. DS was aged 2.6 and had been an angel most of the time, apart from a brief terrible twos spell when he was just 2.

I found things got a lot better when I stopped getting so angry with him (not that I am saying you're being angry). I was tired and stressed about his behaviour and over reacted to a lot of things which were just normal toddler behaviour and may well have happened even without a new baby in the house. And once I became calmer he became calmer too.

It also helped me to try to see things from his point of view and to remember it is all normal. After about 6-8 weeks he was mainly back to his old self.

I agree about one to one time with him if you can (I know it's not easy) but I think it helps them to adjust more quickly to their new sibling and realise they are still just as loved.

I am hoping i will have another baby in the not too distant future and was wondering how my ds would cope with me bf-ing/ cuddling another baby.
I was thinking I would put together some pictures of me cuddling/ bf-ing him when he was tiny so we can look at them/ talk about them together.
I don't know if it would help in some way.
Wishing you all the best and congratulations!

I am sooooooooo glad I found this thread! Just had DS2 a week ago and my DS1 is finding things tough. Loves his brother it seems but trantrums all the time, always in front of others it seems! DH back to work monday so I am very scared!!

Well put yourself in his shoes.

Your husband needed to go away on business and whilst away fell in love with a, frankly speaking, much cuter version of you. He asked his mum to let you know, which she did with so much excitement in her voice and you knew that you just had to suck it up. Your DH has let you come and visit him and his new lady friend at his hotel a couple of times during the week at which you were expected to be full of the joys of spring, whilst actually you were feeling rather miffed.

Then they broke it to you that she was moving in - for ever!

She's been here for a few weeks now and every time you want to have a chat or a little quiet time with your husband, you find that she is sitting next to him, all cuddled up. Your husband is trying really hard to involve you though and be kind to you - every time he gets a chance he asks you to cuddle up with them, but urgghh no thanks! He does let you watch TV when you want or gets out your favourite past times - but you know that is just so he can spend more time with his new woman.

So you've just been forced to start playing up, to get attention from him. But that doesn't work either - he just gets annoyed with you even more.

What a bloody mess!

And you are an adult who is supposed to understand all this stuff too!

well I think spectacular sums it up!

Spectacular - I love your post! Think I will print it and stick it on my fridge to remind me to remain calm when my 23mo is being challenging!

Glad I found this thread.......I have a 2wk old and toddler struggling with the new addition. DH back to work on Monday and I'm feeling more than a little apprehensive. have got a horrible feeling toddler's behaviour will get a whole lot worse once she doesn't have daddy's undivided attention! I'm going to try to remain calm and upbeat at all times

We will be doing it together on Monday heth1980! Good luck! I am dreading it to xx

booksgalore thank-you so much!

This situation is completely normal. My DDs are exactly 2 yrs apart and initially it was hell when DD2 was little. DD1 would pretend to kiss and cuddle her but would actually pinch, bite and scratch he at every opportunity. Her tantrums were unbelievable and I was losing it. Things that really helped were:

(i) a playpen downstairs (not for DD1 but for DD2), a travel cot would do too. I put a soft fleece and blankets etc in it with a mobile over it and knew I had somewhere safe I could put DD2 where DD1 couldn't reach her if I had to pop out of the room / go to the loo etc. I would also put DD2's carry cot into the playpen when she was napping so that she was safe.

(ii) I did my best to get into a feeding routine. First feed would be at 7am (regardless of sleep the previous night) as I knew that DD1 would usually wake soon after 7.15 and come and get into bed with me so by then the bf would be well underway / nearly over. I also mastered the art of reading books to DD1 while bf so the mornings became quite relaxed - we'd snuggle in bed with me bf DD2 and reading to DD1. I used to often take DD1 to a local drop in centre play place in the mornings so the next bf would be there at around 10 am / 10.30 while DD1 running around having fun (or at home with DD1 watching CBeebies (way too much TV in the early months, but that's life), then DD2 down for a nap followed by lunch and a bit of one on one time with DD1. DD1 down for a nap, get DD2 up and feed her (1.30pm ish) while DD1 asleep. Tea for DD1 at around 5pm and feed DD2 while sitting at the table. Bath them both together at 6pm (DD1 in first, then DD2 put in in a bath support, DD2 out first, dried dressed into bouncy chair, then DD1 out). Stories etc to DD1 while DD2 in bouncy chair. DD1 into bed. BF DD2 then DD2 into bed.

Try not to get too angry about the kicking smacking etc. Remove him, stay calm, say a sharp NO, but don't go on about it. Keep the baby out of his reach, no particular need to try and involve him at this stage if he resents it. Once she is a bit older and smiling he will start to show more of an interest. Babies sleep a lot in the day, try to make the effort to spend time with him on his own when she's asleep rather than using the time to catch up on the million and one chores (let them slide). Don't worry if he watches too much TV - This is a brief stage - in a few months you'll be through it, do what you can to get by in the mean time.

DD1 and DD2 are a complete little team now (aged 5 and 3), love each other to bits and play beautifully most of the time (when not trying to kill each other obviously!).

The eldest child seems SO big compared to the baby and it's hard to keep perspective that they are still just a baby too. I remember when DD2 turned 2 I thought back to how much I had expected of her sister at the same age whereas I still saw DD2 as a baby, it brought me up sharp a bit - my expectations had been WAY too high for DD1.

Thank-you so much NellyTheElephant for such a frank and honest reply. I really take on board your experience and its a relief to know others have faced this challenge!