Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My 8 yr old ds said "mummy I can't stop myself when I get angry" how can I help him?

32 replies

passmyglassplease · 23/02/2010 10:48

Hi all,

I have 2 dcs a dd 11yrs and a ds 8 yrs, one of them is an absolute angel and the other one is the devil in disguise, can you guess which one is the devil?

Thought so, its not hard is it?

I am at my wits end with him, I don't shout at him, I remain calm and inform him that he has x amount of time to finish/complete what he is doing, ie watching tv, it all makes no difference, he kicks off as soon as the tv has been switched off, or nintendo put away etc throwing things and being generally ill behaved.

What can I do to help him control himself?

I throw myself at the mercy of mumsnet, help me solve this problem.

Or he could be up for adoption

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

claw3 · 23/02/2010 11:00

What are the consequences when after you have given him warning that something which be switch off or put away, he starts throwing things etc?

Original poster

passmyglassplease · 23/02/2010 11:12

I take away the tv or nintendo, all to no avail cos as soon as he gets them back again he behaves the same!

Its like he cant help himself.

OP posts:

claw3 · 23/02/2010 11:17

So if he throws things etc that equals no nintendo or whatever the next day?

claw3 · 23/02/2010 11:33

Personally i would have clear consequences ie if you throw things etc, this will result in you will not be allowed to play on your Nintendo or whatever next day.

Also let him know its not the getting angry that is unacceptable, its the way he acts when angry. We all get angry, its just we dont behave that way when we do and give him some alternatives ie when you feel like throwing something count to 10 or walk away or go to your room and punch your pillow etc, etc.

Original poster

passmyglassplease · 23/02/2010 11:38

Thats the thing claw, I am very clear on what the consequences will be. I count upto 5 so that he knows he has time to control himself.

He just chooses to do it anyway, the only thing that i can think to do next is to ban all electronic/tvs/wii/dvds etc in the house until he has been "good" for a specified time.

I am concerned that this may be a bit extreme, as it would seem that I am also punishing my dd as well.

OP posts:

BigTillyMint · 23/02/2010 11:41

passmyglass, my nearly 9yo DS is the same. I also try my best to stay calm and collected, but he can rant and rave for a very long time...

He also kicks off when DS time is up (he is not allowed on the computer!), but it's generally MUCH worse if he has been playing Mario, where they have to complete a level and he has not completed the level he is on.

I also give him time warnings and Time Out when he kicks off. He doesn't generally get violent, but rants and raves. The ranting can go on for up to an hour and is SO unpleasant for everyone else.

When he is calm we talk about it and he knows it is the adrenaline pumping games that get him frustrated, but ha can't control it at the time.

We have tried al the ideas claw3 suggests, to no avail. He admits that what he wants is to make other people feel as frustrated as he does

Original poster

passmyglassplease · 23/02/2010 11:41

I take your point about allowing him to be angry, he needs an outlet for his anger.

In summer we tend to spend much more time in the park, but at the moment the crappy weather is really doing my head in.

OP posts:

Bramshott · 23/02/2010 11:43

This might sound trite, but do you do "sniff the cake and blow out the candles" with him? It works well with my DD1, who is 7 - and she's always reminding me to do it!

Basically you encourage them, when they get cross, to take a deep breath in through their nose ("sniff the cake"), and then out through their mouth ("blow out the candles"). It's a breathing technique designed to help you calm down, and it really can work!

BigTillyMint · 23/02/2010 11:44

Yes, my DS is fine when he's doing any sort of physical activity. It's just the games and situations that make him feel really frustrated.

Original poster

passmyglassplease · 23/02/2010 11:47

A friend of mine who works in education, says that the best thing one can do for their children, especially boys is to take their nintendos/wii/gameboy etc down the bottom of the garden and burn them!!!!!!!

This will be my last resort, but I am looking into it

He really is a lovely boy when he is playing quietly by himself.

OP posts:

claw3 · 23/02/2010 11:50

Passmyglass, Perhaps try telling him what you want him to do when its switched off ie you have 5 more minutes then we are going to switch off and go and get into the bath, or read a book or whatever.

If he gets angry, remind him of what he should do when he gets angry ie count to 10 or whatever

Might be worth a try. Good luck.

claw3 · 23/02/2010 11:53

Bigtilly, some kids are just not mature enough to cope with the frustration of some of these games.

I have taken games away from my 13 year old permanently because he just cant control the frustration.

Original poster

passmyglassplease · 23/02/2010 11:59

thanks bramshott, I think the breathing techniques may be something worth trying with him.

OP posts:

Chandon · 23/02/2010 12:05

My DS sometimes does this (he´s 7, he sometimes gets into a rage and cannot control his anger).

I find it often coincides with him being hungry or tired or both (lethal).

I put him in our bedroom to cool off. Then, when he is calm we have a chat and I tell him it is o.k. to feel angry, but that he cannot Slam doors, Shout etc. Then I tell him he can come down when he is ready to apologise.

It´s hard work, but it works mostly.

Using an egg timer to indicate end of TV or PC (eg set it for half an hour) works well too, as it´s not you saying it, but the timer (ie an independent entity). He can also see how many minutes are left.

Also, they need sport or outdoor play for at least an hour a day, to get rid of excess energy and "agression". That´s hard in this weather though!

BigTillyMint · 23/02/2010 12:32

claw3, that's interesting that you have taken games away permanently. How did he react when you said that you would do that (and did it!)?

Chandon, you are right about hunger / tiredness, and DS definitely needs the exercise too!

I think I might give the timer a go tonight, though I suspect he will be just as frustrated whether it's me or the timer telling him to stop if he hasn't completed a level

claw3 · 23/02/2010 13:18

Bigtilly, it was a fighting game he played on his ps (cant even remember the name of it now) and when he 'died' he would scream, shout and even swear at the TV screen and bang things around.

I warned him that i would remove the game for a week and give it back on the understanding that he stop and if he didnt i would remove it for good. He didnt, so i took it away.

At the time when i took it away, there was lots of im soooo unfair and he had a strop.

I have explained to him that i do not feel he can cope with the frustration and he can trade it for a different game if he wants to.

Im all for letting children learn from their mistakes by giving them the responsibility of a second chance, but sometimes they are just not able to.

BigTillyMint · 23/02/2010 13:25

That's interesting. Well Done!

It's not the game that causes the problem as such (luckily it doesn't involve "dying"), more the coming off it, but maybe we could go down the route of swapping it for another game?

Does anyone know DS games that 8yo boys like to play that don't involve completing levels?

Well, FIFA 10 seems OK, but he has played that one to death!

claw3 · 23/02/2010 13:34

Bigtilly, perhaps rather than a time limit, give him a level limit ie you can play until you have completed x amount of levels, then we switch it off?

BigTillyMint · 23/02/2010 16:27

The only problem with that is he could be on for ages if he can't complete the level!

He is on a timer at the moment - will see what happens in 10mins!

southeastastra · 23/02/2010 16:42

i think my ds(8) must be weird cause his DS calms him down and helps him concentrate!

he loses his temper through other things very easily though. he can be quite scary sometimes.

claw3 · 23/02/2010 16:50

I can understand his frustration, i get frustrated if i cant finish what ive started and im not a kid!

Perhaps we should have burn them all, the games that is, not the kids!

BigTillyMint · 24/02/2010 15:02

Well the timer was a stupendous disaster!

The timer was broken, only I didn't know that, so there was a meltdown when I realised involving both DC and culminating in a big fight between them.

The DS's have now been put away for a week. Next step is burning them

lostinwales · 24/02/2010 15:15

Just plonking myself into this thread, I'm feeling happy/sad reading this, my DS2 is just the same and it's been causing DH and I so much worry as our other ds' are nothing like this. I'm sorry you are having the same problems as us but just soooo happy we are not alone. The other day he was so upset I was seriously contemplating taking him to a psychologist! He loses DS/computer time/Wii time for weeks at a time and within half an hour of getting it back will be in such a state over some game or other. We had a no screen time half term and it was bliss, no arguing at all. I wish I had the strength to ban them all forever but DS1 has to have a laptop for school.

Although the other day as he was struggling against his second time out that morning he shouted back at me, when challenged to who he thought was the boss in the situation he bellowed 'ME' and then caught my eye and we both ended up on the stairs laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. So they are still inside those grumpy little creatures somewhere.

BigTillyMint · 24/02/2010 18:35

Well, no DS's tonight and....................
.............................................
no tantrums! (so far!)

But I did have to play magnetix for what seemed like an age

secretskillrelationships · 24/02/2010 18:48

This has happened in my house, and it's not as extreme as you describe so I'm not saying I have the answer, just what worked for me. I told my children that I didn't want to fight over the PS2, I'd rather not have it on at all. I explained that I didn't mind the PS2 just the arguments but that nothing was worth the arguments. I was really honest with them and they knew that I meant what I said because of that. We lived without it for a few days while I calmed down and then discussed ground rules.

Of course, things were fine for a few days and then deteriorated but I just said it all again and stopped the PS2. I also have issues around telly for similar reasons, I've noticed the children behave in ways I don't like if they have too much so tend to limit it. However, often do this without them being aware, just make sure there are other things for them to do. Takes some effort, but find the equilibrium gets restored after a few days without telly, games etc though that may have as much to do with the fact that they've had more of my attention

Flip

1 2