My 8 yr old ds said "mummy I can't stop myself when I get angry" how can I help him?

[passmyglassplease]

Hi all,

I have 2 dcs a dd 11yrs and a ds 8 yrs, one of them is an absolute angel and the other one is the devil in disguise, can you guess which one is the devil?

Thought so, its not hard is it?

I am at my wits end with him, I don't shout at him, I remain calm and inform him that he has x amount of time to finish/complete what he is doing, ie watching tv, it all makes no difference, he kicks off as soon as the tv has been switched off, or nintendo put away etc throwing things and being generally ill behaved.

What can I do to help him control himself?

I throw myself at the mercy of mumsnet, help me solve this problem.

Or he could be up for adoption

Hi Passmyglassplease

sounds to me like he may have a behavioural difficulty...now that may seem like an understatement to you, but its actually a term us nursery nurses/classroom assistants and SEN teachers use when describing a child that knows how they are feeling, but cant control it. Now loads of people may say..'oh hes probably got ADHD' and many are quick to jump to this conclusion but first you will have to establish his triggers.

So get a notebook, and jot down the date/time and what he is doing when he is angry..try catch it as its starting..so if his brother takes something away from him...and he starts to shout, scream etc..write it down..
write down exactly what he does/facial expressions/stare/or if he realises hes getting angry.

Obviously intervene if hes going to hurt someone/something in your house. write down his reaction to what you say to him.

By doing this for at least a week you can establish when he gets angry, what he does and how you can overcome it.

once you have done this, then you can start to provide 'escape' routes for him. by this I mean, once you see the trigger start - like he cant tie up his laces (e.g.) - then take him by the hand say 'come with me' and take him outside...dont say anything to him and already have a game set up outside for him like football. Play with him, without saying anything just kick the ball into the goal, being happy and cheering etc...then kick the ball to him and gesture him to try it..still not saying anything, a smile on your face, and a nod of the head should work.

Once you have found his triggers you can start to eliminate them. Help him put his shoes on in the morning, (e.g) just do the things that you see make him get angry with him.

Destraction tends to be a very good way of eliviating anger in children. Lots of fresh air, lots of exercise and look at his diet. see if there are any foods he eats on the days when he is most angry/badly behaved..cut them out and see what happens.

Good luck anyways...I know how testing it can be!

not got to this age yet luckily, but didn't want you to go unanswered. i seem to recall something about 'angry hands' as a technique on previous threads - you could try searching on that?

in general, i always prefer distraction to actually getting to the point of conflict. it isn't cheating to avoid having the fight so long as you aren't actually giving in.

throwing things must stop though. i have told ds the next thing he throws will be taken away forever so he will be choosing what to get rid of...

Very simplistic, but, stressball? Or some other handy way to vent frustration, bean bag he can punch, punch bag even!?

How much time does he spend being creative? does he enjoy anything you can encourage as alternative to tv / nintendo - art, construction, science sets, natural history - dinosaurs / outerspace - books or sets for his age range (I know a lot of dinosaur/space stuff is aimed at younger children).

I hope this helps, long shot but best of luck.

If your ds has realized that he is struggling to control himself when angry, I think he is a fantastic boy! He has made the relation between the way he behaves and his feelings and that's a really good start.

What I have done with ds1 is to tell him that when he is angry, he needs to go in a quiet space because otherwise he might be hurting someone unwillingly (his brother, himself...). That's a good tactic when there is nothing else that 'needs' to be done. ds1 knows it's working because he is doing that by himself now (he is 7yo).

For the TV etc... what about asking him how he would like to be reminded?
And trying to see what is really making him angry in the first place (As an example only, he could have had a fight at school with one his friends, or has been told of unfairly by the teacher etc...).

Other ways I'm finding helpfull : lots of sport to get rid of the aggressivity and having some one to one time at least once in the week with me (where we do what he would like to do - it could be watching a program together, playing a game etc...)

NB if he is really that angry, I'm not sure the solution is in finding ways for him to control it but more in ways to decrease the anger to a level that is manageable for him.