It takes a village to raise a child? Attachment issues in my nephew, would like to ponder

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I am currently staying with my in laws. They are not english (arab culture). In the house we have PILs, 4 SILs, granny and nephew, 12mo.

SIL is young (21) and divorced. She had a stressful pg and left her ExH while pg. For the first 6 months of DN's life he didn't see his DF (he was abusive to SIL) but now goes to him one day a week. He comes back wide awake with abursting nappy and they think he just naps all day and the F doesn't play with him or change him.

Since DN was born he has been looked after indiscriminately by all the women in the house. This is normal here. He co-sleeps with either his mum or granny. He is bottle fed since 6mo but was BF. SIL works 6 days per week and MIL looks after DN. She doesn't have a choice, no employment laws or maintenance here.

I am quite worried tho by DN's presentation, and their bond. SIL loves him absolutely, she is not neglectful, but does not respond to him instinctively. I am aware of DS when he's around me and respond if he cries etc, it's automatic. She doesn't. She comes in for lunch and barely glances at DN until she has eaten. He doesn't run to her either.

Last night he cried for his granny and wouldn't sleep with SIL.

He goes to anyone and is clingy with people he doesn't know, eg when DH was leaving the house he cried and clung to him and wouldn't go to MIL, he doesn't know DH very well.

He cries inconsolably sometimes, but is also very happy and smiley a lot of the time. My DS rarely cries for no discernable reason so I don't know what's normal, but by 12mo I would have thought tears should signify something?

DH feels slightly embarrassed that DS (18mo) won't readily be cuddled by anyone in the family but I tried to explain that's actually quite healthy, especially as he was separated from me for 2 weeks for the first time ever when DH brought him here on his own.

A prime example - DN just woke up, I picked him up and he put his arms out to me, took him out to SIL who took him but only when I held him out to her, and he cried and put his arms out to me.

I'm really worried. There is so much love in the family but I think that too many caregivers has confused him. He also now sees MIL as his primary attachment figure. Will this help to avoid attachment disorders? Everything I have read states that children need to attach to one or two figures by age 8mo and that too many can cause insecure attachment. But he has been with MIL (who is a good parent, very consistent) since 6mo.

I know this is long and I don't really expect many replies but I just wanted to ponder it a bit as I'm finding it quite difficult to watch.

What a lovely aunt you are! I would have thought that as long as he is attached to someone (MIL) it will be ok in the end, though it may take him a bit longer to figure it out. I guess the confusion comes from the fact that SIL is presented as his main carer, and he is expected to go to her when upset etc, but in fact MIL is the main carer. This is probably the biggest mixed message he is receiving, because the fact he is living in a big house with lots of people keeping an eye out for him would generally be a positive thing, I would imagine.

He will be noticing if his Mum is not noticing him and offering herself to him for comfort etc, and he will not bond/ attach to her as well (as demonstrated when he awoke).

Not sure how you can help, though, it's hard when you can see a little one upset... But I do think that if he's in the arms of a loving family he will find it easier as he gets older. And let's face it it's better than no family at all.

Thanks!
I can't help really. Short of paying SIL so she doesn't have to go to work lol- which she actually wants to do, and I fully support that, it's the shitty society that forces her to work 60 hours a week for slave wages. I can't expalin attachment to anyone in a way that either they would understand or wouldn't make me sound like a complete twat.