Violent tantrums in 3 year old son

[lubeloo72]

Please help! My DS2 was born 7 weeks ago and in many ways DS1 has shown lots of love and affection towards him. However, recently his behaviour has changed- first he started biting other children and now he has taken to having really violent, scary tantrums. I am giving him lots of love and affection and trying to make sure that he doesn't feel pushed out. He is a fiesty character by nature but this behaviour is very different to any he has shown before.

I really don't know where to go from here other than try to stay calm and let him know that I love him very much. Any advice, reassurance or suggestions in what I should do would be gratefully received.

Thank you!

Do you someone you know well to leave the baby with? if so try and take ds1 one out for some real 1 to 1 time.
try the positive reinforcement policy (you know praise him even if he's not doing anything as long as he's not doing anything negative!!) try and ignore the bad as much as poss. I know that 's the difficult bit.

Good luck it sounds like you are a good mum i know how hard things can be though!!

Thanks, we do make a real effort to do one to one stuff like you suggested. I think I just need to trust that once the tantrum is over he will return to his normal happy (but testing) self. Since this afternoon's tantrum we've actually had a lovely evening and he's been sweet to his brother, wanting to kiss him goodnight etc. So I suppose I just have to keep things in perspective. It's just when the tantrum is happening it's pretty horrible and scary.

I know what you mean, when DS2 was born DS1 was 5 he was great at first then after aboyt 5-6 weeks he seemed to be very cross with me all the time, I suppose for having another baby and him taking up so much time. I think he was just testing me to make sure I was still there for him.

But it passed, I did as the other posted suggested tried to have as much 1 on 1 time as poss, even a cake a juice in a local cafe, the swings, a walk to the shops to get a comic, the library.

Also, not sure how old older one is, but getting him to be a helpfull Big Brother, pasiing nappies, getting a muslin, singing and dancing to the baby, give him a sense of ownership and responsibility, I know that sounds wankish, but my DS1 loved doing this for his little bro, althought don't over do the whol big bro thing, once my DS1 said 'I know I am OK'

Good luck.

Thank you,carocaro. We've had a much better day today. I expect more tantrums but hope I'll deal with the next one better than previous ones which left us both in tears! I think he needs me to be calm and I'm reassured that your DS1 showed similar signs and then got through it.

my ds1 was 18 months when ds2 was born and he had wobble when ds2 was 6 wks but for him it was all about bedtime which was trying as I was breastfeeding.
We did as ppeatfruit suggested and real 1:1 when his brother wasn't around, also not making him share his bath helped (that follows even now, ds1 is 3, ds2 2 and ds3 8 months and we don't make them share anything if they don't want to). I think its like they suddenly realise their siblings is actually staying and are testing the boundaries, we tried to encourage ds1 to 'play' with ds2 as well and commented positively when he did something lovely for him and things like 'you used to be a baby like this but one day he'll grow up to play with you, he can't do that at the moment, he needs more help with things and that takes up a lot of my time doesn't it...' I guess trying to make him part of the situation as I realised I was constantly saying 'I have to do this first' 'no I can't pick you up I'm carrying ds and I can't carry both of you' 'can't play now I'm feeding' etc etc, not sure if I'm explaining it very well, we winged it but they do have a lovely relationship now (even if ds2 knows exactly how to push his buttons so he cracks and then gets into trouble!)

forgot to say good luck with it all x

just noticed your ds is 3 - its apparently a tricky age to introduce a sibling, not sure why but think its something to do with them being more self aware but unable to express themselves, we have hideous tantrums and nothing has changed recently except he is trying to deal with his emotions (and the word 'no' )

Thanks verybusyspider! Yes, I think it's a combination of age and new sibling. Fingers crossed we have another good day today as yesterday was tantrum free thank goodness...still testing the boundaries of course!!

i have the same problem 3yr old ds and 3mth old ds2. we are living in tantrum hell and ds1 is more badly behaved each day. thinking of calling supernanny! sorry about all lower case-am feeding ds2.
think we're all in a very rocky boat but we'll get there in the end. with hindsight, this is a terrible age gap. you are not alone; the reason i'm on here now is i'm looking for similar advice. i have become very moody as am bf ds2 and very tired. feel like a very rubbish mum!

Sorry, Tigerlily 1, to hear you're having a hard time of it too. Have also thought we might need Super Nanny!! But, like I said, things are a bit better and DS1 started to verbalise his frustration...saying he wanted to put DS2 in rubbish bin and how he only loves him sometimes. But I think that's pretty healthy according to some of the posts and info I've read. It's a massive change for our DS1s, and they're at an age where they are so self aware and independent yet unable to really understand what is happening and why. Keep strong and don't think you're a rubbish mum cos I'm quite sure you're not!

Thanks, Lubeloo. We had a pretty good day yesterday and ds1 even started showing ds2 his soft books last night so he is starting to warm to him a bit more. A few weeks ago he was exactly like yours; saying he wanted to put him in the bin! How funny, they all must feel that, as they know that's how to get rid of something unwanted! Anyway, your ds2 is only 7wks so I can tell you by 14wks, which is where we are, that he will probably have stopped saying that.
It is a huge change for them, and for us but we have to try and remember what my midwife said; we haven't done anything bad, in fact we have done something good, i.e we have given them a friend for life...eventually! Must remember that when feeling guilty about ds1 not having as much attention. It's also really cute now to see the baby smile at ds1 and he then feels really clever for making him laugh. It will all work out in the end and I'm sure coming on here and hearing from others in the same boat has helped me, so thanks.
Also, I had a can of red bull yesterday and one just now and I really think it has perked me up, so you could try that as another coping mechanism! Hope you're having a good day

Ended up with another tantrum yesterday but shorter lived and I stayed calm all the way through it so I was very pleased with myself! He has been a little rough with his incessent kissing and attention he gives his brother although some is very tender and sweet! It is reassuring knowing that there are so many little people out there adjusting to a new brother or sister and that it is quite normal for them to react in an angry/frustrated way.

Haven't tried red bull for years Tigerlily 1- perhaps should give it a try!! Really glad things are starting to look up for you. Perhaps part of it is that we are handling it different because we know it is normal and not us being terrible parents!