Help with 8 year old boy

[moid]

Got called to school on Friday because my 8 year old DS1 was caught attacking another boy.

On the one hand this is great news because they have finally taken notice that my son needs help. My previous interactions with the school have not been good and I have failed to get the help he needs. I am not very good at social interaction either, no doubt where he gets it from.

He is a bit of a social outcast, does well in class but doesn't handle play very well. His way of being is nasty teasing and then general invasion of personal space, but deep down he is very sensitive. Things could have been better, but we are not a total disaster as a family, I think he himself is easily teased, quick to take offence and has somehow taken on board these playground lessons.

His teacher is supportive and my best chance to get some support.
How do I get him help?
What sort of help does he need?
And, can I turn it around or is my 8 year destined to be the nasty little thug that he is turning into.

I have to hold my hands up, that for years I have thought it was him and he had some sort of learning deficiency and pushed all that on to him. But actually I haven't done a very good job

Hi Mold, sorry to hear of your troubles. NO he is not!

I had a similar problem when my son was four or five. He didn't know how to start a game with other children. He would run around the playground barging them, or would say "play with me play with me" and of course they wouldn't and then he would push them or pull them and get cross.

I used to love a rainy school day: because that meant "wet play" and structured activities where he wasn't left out and/or going to start trouble.

And like you, it came to a head with a playground incident when one particular boy he liked a lot got fed up and "punched" him.

Luckily I knew the mum so we worked it out with apologies, understanding and playdates and from that his confidence grew, but I'm guessing that option might not be open to you.

It is down to terrible underconfidence and confusion do you think?

Thank goodness for your teacher. Can you ask her to give him little bits of extra responsibility that will boost his confidence: like take this message to the head, or you're in charge of keeping the nature table tidy, or making sure the reading books are in order.

Is there an opportunity for more structured play outdoors eg a teacher supervised ball catch game.

Is there any one boy or girl he can have for short playdates so that he can find his feet? If you talk to some mums they are v v understanding when they know you are troubled and asking for help.

The issue is also "a bad name" which needs to be knocked on the head as I'm sure inside he's a nice child but just in a huge pickle.

The trick is to balance all the positive reinforcement with messages that it's totally unacceptable to be beastly to others. It's a fine line between confidence boosting and rewarding bad behaviour.

Sorry not to be able to help more. My five year old is now a well behaved well adjusted (lol except for the answering back) teen so NO your little boy is NOT going to be a thug!

Thanks probono for your kind words and good advice

Since last friday I have done a lot of soul searching and totally revised my parenting style, his 6 year old brother is also a little wild though has no issues at school.

Now:

• they are both now helping me with tidying up etc..
• they have an old mattress in their bedroom where they can go and jump and wrestle where I do not interfere and I encourage them to settle their own battles
• daddy / mummy time for both of them
• strict time limits on computer / Wii and making sure sharing time
• lots of emotional intelligence talk ie: how do you feel, don't tease because it makes DS2 sad etc..
• do as your told / be nice etc.. otherwise up to your room to calm down followed by chat about their behaviour

Must admit though they have still had their moments but so much better.

My next challenge is to make the good behaviour jump to school and make DH toe the line - wish me luck

Some childre just don't pick up social skills as quickly as other children, some pick them up through osmosis so you don't have to do anything at all, some need some support. You wouldn't blame yourself if he was dyslexic would you??

I have to teach ds alot of social skills, once he's told he gets it though so I don't think he has aspergers, he's empathetic/has eye contact etc. I did get him a book called the unwritten rules of friendship, it really helped. It was about £8 from Amazon. It's helpful fo you to find out exactly what he's been doing so that you can go through it with him (cause and effect IYSWIM) and give him a strategy for the next time in order to prevent the effect.

Thanks I will check that book out.

I have also ruled out Aspergers especially the friend he does have has Aspergers

Think if anything he is a bit hyperactive and never stops talking or jumping around. Knacker them out that is the answer I think.

Agreed DS2 has picked up social skills by osmosis, but think that DS1 never shut up long enough to observe anyone else, whilst of course DS2 could never got a word in edgeways.

Then of course DS1 is in a year of very difficult boys, lots of learning and behavioural difficulties so he has just got sort of overlooked when they were handing out support. Hopefully this is the year that I can work with his school.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Think I can definitely make some changes at home which will hopefully will resonate into school.

Sounds like you are doing a grand job.
Just checking you have ruled out the classic hearing problem...I have worked with quite a few boys over the years who have struggled with rules of the playground who have had glue ear, occassional hearing loss type difficuties. School nurse will check it out.

moid - he sounds just like a boy in my DS1s class (age 9), and you sound like a great mum.

This boy does irritate DS1 quite a lot, but I think he pokes. prods and jokes around because at heart, he feels quite out of the loop. I try to get DS1 to understand this, but DS1s self-esteem is also a bit wobbly, so he takes it to heart.

Anyhoo, the school is setting up a friendship group for them and their friends, which I hope will help.

I'd say your new parenting tips are great, and also, just make sure that he know how great you think he is. I think school is hard for many DCs (my son included), and they need us there to make them feel good.

Best of luck

BTW, I have just read a really good book to DS1 called "There's a Boy in the Girls Bathroom" , by Louis Sachar. It's about a boy who is labelled as a bully and trouble maker at school, but who changes his life with the help of a school counsellor. It's really funny and touching.

Thanks Jamie, I can really see the difference already. He has been lovely, funny and kind today.

DS1 also does this thing when he says the same things over and over again normally right in someones face. Personally he is my son but I just want to punch him when he does it, so do understand why he finds things difficult at school.

Today I have said to him about twenty times - please don't do that DS2 / I find it annoying. I am sure he will finally get it.

I am seeing his teacher next week so will mention some of your great ideas.

Well it is all too depressing - he has been back at school three days and I can see what a mountain we have to climb.

Just been to parents evening - academically very good, works well in class but caught hitting out at this child twice in one day. There is now a no tolerance warning out about my son and his behaviour in the playground.

I had a conversation with his teacher about encouraging friendships with children more at his level and have tried to set up a playdate with two kids and have been brushed off by two mums. NO PARENTS ARE NOT SUPPORTIVE.

How did I ever allow things to get to this stage.

He is an August baby and is running at least one maybe two years emotionally behind his peers. Last year he was bullied by the one friend that he had when they moved schools. I feel like we are always playing catching up and all the parents are petrified that there kids will pick up on my sons disruptive behaviour.

Even though we live round the corner to the school and can't afford it are off to a private school open day next week!!! AAAAAAAGH

This never appeared so I am trying again!

Another meeting on Wednesday with teacher and head at our instigation. We now have a plan:

• they have started a lunchtime club doing something he does just so that he has a chance to make some more suitable friendships

• extra outside class support talking about friendship etc..

• home school worker to talk to who is going to investigate some issues that he has

• an finally an understanding by the school that maybe he is not a thug just a little boy who needs some support, who although academically bright is not so emotionally literate.

We have a potential new friend over today and think it has gone pretty well

So finally feeling positive and what a great teacher to help me put this all together

thanks for the catch up moid. You seem very determined to help him - glad the school is on board.

Funny - as I write this, DS1 has had a terrible week with the bot who teases and annoys him. Will have to go in and talk to them about it again, as me telling DS to ignore him is not working.

"bot" ? - boy !