How do you handle a tantrum (or avert a potential one)?

[Holly02]

I thought I'd do a follow-on from the terrible three's thread, because sometimes (like today) I seem to have a great deal of trouble getting my son to leave somewhere when he's having a good time. While we're there (whether it's playgroup, lunch at someone's house, a barbeque, etc etc), he's well behaved and treats other children very well. But sometimes he has such a wonderful time playing that he just doesn't want to leave, and this is where I find myself having problems.

I have recently started to give him a small packet of crisps just before we leave playgroup, so that his attention is on the food rather than having to go home. Otherwise I sometimes find that he'll get upset & scream, or refuse to leave without a 'fight', IYKWIM. Sometimes he's ok and sometimes he's not - I never know how he's going to react. Today was difficult because we were at my auntie's place for lunch & a family get-together, so there were other kids and toys there. I knew he was enjoying himself so when it came time to leave, I asked my dad to help me divert ds' attention so that we could get him out to the car. So what does my dad do??!! Just picked him up and said "we're going now", so ds started to kick and scream. Up until that moment, he'd been really well behaved. I just hate it when that happens because he seems like one of those nightmare children, although luckily his reaction is usually quite short-lived (it doesn't go on for too long).

So when this happens, I am really not sure of the best way to deal with it. If I am at home I can deal with it much more effectively, but when it's around other people, I just don't know the best way to curb the behaviour. Or will it just die down as he gets older? BTW, before anyone suggests diverting his attention, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK - I've tried it many times and sometimes it works, sometimes it has no effect whatsoever.

Anyway thanks for listening and I would appreciate hearing from others who have experienced the same thing.

Hi Holly02, I find giving my son a 5 or 10 minute warning before we're going do anything helps - have you tried this?

My son's 3, by the way - how old is yours?

hewlettsdaughter yes I have tried that - sometimes it works but if he really doesn't want to go, he just seems to ignore what I say. I tell him a few times that 'we have to go soon' and even though he hears me, I still have a struggle sometimes getting him to leave.

He'll be three in a few weeks' time.

Physically he looks like he's four, and a woman recently told me she thought he was five - which might explain some of the 'looks' from other people!! They probably think he's too old to be acting that way.

HD ... I do that too. My DS is 3yrs 7 mths ... I tell him that we are going soon. I then tell him that we are going in 10 minutes ... then 5 minutes ... then 2 minutes ... then 1. Often I do that with half an hour to spare so the 10 minute warning is not exact but at least it is a warning! My DS absolutely HATES it if DH or I do what your dad did Holly02 ... that is when we get major tantrums ... He can't bear being picked up and 'managed' or 'controlled' and it is something that my DH has learned the hard way (DH is a bit of a control freak). I think that when they are that age they like to feel that they have some control for themselves and I try to let him feel that he is in control.
When I tell DS this I make sure he hears me by making him look at me and listen and then I ask him if he understands me. I wait for him to nod and say yes and then (for us anyway) a deal has been made ... if he kicks up a fuss when we do leave then I remind him that he had a warning and he agreed.
As a last resort (and this may sound harsh) ... I tell DS that I am leaving and he is welcome to come with me .... I pick up my bag and keys ... wave bye bye and head for the door .... he soon stops his tantrum jumps up and comes running .... lots of cuddles and then off we go ... I try not to do that too often as I am aware that one day he will say "Ok Mummy ... bye!" And that would not do would it??

Holly02 ... try not to worry about what other people think. I think that most people are more sympathetic than you think and if they are not then it is not their business how you manage your child.
I am normally the sort of person who worries about how I am perceived but when it comes to my DS I won't let 'looks' bother me .... 'looks' usually come from people who either have never had children or whose children have not got to toddler age yet or whose children have grown up and they can't remember the tantrum stage ....

thanks hd & ghosty... yes I think I'd better avoid the 'pick him up and go' method, because that's when I seem to get the worst reaction. Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing by using food to get him to leave? Or should I just do whatever works at the time?! I don't think he realises that I'm manipulating him into leaving, but who knows.

Ghosty I've also tried walking away from ds and simply saying 'Bye' - and it works really well most of the time, as he tends to jump up and follow me. Except... on the odd occasion when he's having a great time, he's been known to just say 'Bye bye mummy' and waves at me to get lost!! So there goes that theory I guess..............

I'll second the 10/5 minute warning things.

My 2 year old will start to go into the "No! Stay here!" routine as soon as I say "we're going in 10 minutes" then drops it and carries on playing as soon as I don't respond. Protests are shorter at the 5 minute warning. Then I give a 1 minute warning, then say "right, we're going now!" 9 times out of 10 he comes quite acquiescently even if he'd made a huge fuss at the 10 minute warning. It's not infallible, but I found with consistency it seems to work quite well.

Also, lots of praise when he does come without fuss - okay usually when he wasn't enjoying himself quite as much anyway, but a bit of positive reinforcement then seems to make him a bit happier during the times he really doesn't want to leave!

I also (when I think of it) try to sympathise when he is unhappy. "I could see you were really enjoying playing with Henry, it's a shame we need to go home for our tea, isn't it? I don't suppose it helps that you know we'll see him next week either, does it?" I don't know if he understands all that, but hopefully the tone of voice helps

Ghosty - think you hit the nail on the head when you said "they like to feel they have some control for themselves". I do that making sure they respond thing when I'm giving a time warning too.

Holly02 I could have written the message myself. My ds1 (3yrs 3mths) does exactly the same. It got to the stage when I dreaded going to a friends house as I knew how it would end.

I did the 5/10 mins thing, but ds would always just reply " but I want to stay"

I came to a head, and I had a chat with my ds, and told him in no uncertain terms that if he carried on like that we would go NOWHERE!

I warn him before we go out, and it seems to have worked. Well for this week anyway.

Good luck, and my thoughts are with you

Here are some of the responses I got about handlings tantrums in public

(I just figured out how to do links today and am using every opportunity to show off my new skill--much like 8-month-old dd)