sexual "play" incident

[mummyisworried]

Have namechanged in case my previous posts make me identifiable.
My dd 3.10 regularly plays with a girl 2 years older than her who is our neighbour. In the summer hols the girls spent a lot of time together and one one occassion I caught the neighbours d lying with no clothes on on top of my dd. When I walked in the other girl jumped off her and went home pretty sharpish. After this, I went round to see the girls' mum to talk about what happened and I basically said they should not be unsupervised together. They have continued to play together regularly since and my dd dotes on her, always asks to play with her etc.
On Monday the girls played together and the older girl invited my dd to play at hers. Yesterday night my dd told me that the girl had "scratched her bottom". I asked her some more questions, but I tried not to ask leading ones and seems that the girl actually put her finger inside my dds anus. She said the girl's mother was downstairs on the phone at the time. The little girl is quite manipulative of my dd and regulalry threatens to go home if my dd doesn't play what she wants.
Am obviously very upset over what has happened to dd and also v glad that she could tell me what had happened. have given her lots of praise for telling us. I am not sure what to do about this. My dh and I have agreed she will def not be allowed to this girls house again. Dh also want the girl to stop coming here too. Her mother may not understand why if we do this, so am not sure whether to invite her round and explain what happened. Feel she needs to know what her daughter has been doing, but she tends to be quite defensive and was after last incident.Having looked on the web about sexual play in children this is obviously way beyond the norm and is quite indicative of the girl being abused herself. So now i am wondering if I should report this to social services? She is a neighbour and also has quite a lot of family living close by so would not want to do this unless it is the kind of thing social services need to know. Am genuinely not sure what to do. If anyone could advise me on this I would be very grateful. Thanks.

Tell the mum. Defensive or no, she needs to know IMO.
Hope your DD is ok x

thanks
she seems ok, but feel so awful for her for what happened

Over sexualised behaviour can indicate that sexual abuse is occurring. If this were to happen at nursery, say, then the nursery worker would report it within school and possibly directly to social services - it depends on context.

If you feel that the context here gives you grave concern then report to SS. If not, then protect your child by eliminating the possibility of this happening again and consider advising somebody such as SS or a nursery worker if your children are at nursery together.

You could mention to the parent and that may give you the extra info you need to make a call on this or at least it will have enabled that parent to be aware of behaviour that is concerning so that any familial issues can be addresed.

Also remember that whilst nobody wishes to cause unnecessary grief for another family, children need a voice sometimes and for us not to look the other way. Even if you did get it wrong, it is better to take action to protect children than it is to hope the unthinkable will go away if we no longer witness it.

You must be feeling awful. A similar thing happened to my niece when she played with an older girl - also a neighbour. My sister told the older girls mum and she dealt with it - it was very upsetting at the time and it has really ended the friendship between my sis and the neighbour, as it was so embarrassing. The older girl had been abused herself by a male relative and the mum knew - he had since died. The mum was very guilty about it. I think you should talk to the girls mum - she needs to know. Hope this helps. You should be very proud that your daughter can talk to you. Good luck.

how awful for your dd. i wonder if the school have noticed anything about her behaviour ?
you must tell the mum. all the details. and then take a step back. obviously there will be no more playing in the near future.