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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

can any child psychologists help - re being apart from ds

27 replies

seekingsunshine · 16/02/2010 18:20

I am on my own with ds, have been since he was born and I have very little day to day help. I have been offered the chance of a week away somewhere warm and relaxing but it's not suitable for ds.

I would love to go but don't want to leave ds for a week if it is going to be damaging for him, ie emotionally.

he will be about 3.2 when I go (if I go - I won't go if I have any doubts about his ability to cope).

he would be left with doting and active gps who have had him to stay before, but only for a weekend.

Please could anyone who is suitably knowledgeable about these things give me a steer one way or the other on this?

Many thanks.

OP posts:

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Lulumama · 16/02/2010 18:22

I dont mean to be blunt, but this sounds like a massive overreaction on your part, unless there are other issues. if he has stayed with grandparents before, who are loving and doting, then i can't see that it is a problem.

why would a week away with loving grandparents be psychologically damaging~?

children are terribly robust, if you had been , god forbid , taken ill and had to go into hosiptal for a week, you would have no cahnce to worry about this, chidlren can and do adapt to all sorts of situations, far more stressful than this

i am not being picky, but am wondering why you feel this would be damaging, in the context of a normal child and a normal life?

OfficiallyMe · 16/02/2010 18:24

he will be fine, go on holiday

GypsyMoth · 16/02/2010 18:27

i'm sorry but the thought of consulting a psychologist made me,er,laugh out loud

i know how you worry about every little thing (i'm on my own with 5) but how will he fare once he starts school etc?

you dont need to worry...seriously

Original poster

seekingsunshine · 16/02/2010 18:28

because he is with me most of the time, I am his only parent and right now I can barely leave the room without him getting a bit anxious. I don't want to leave him for a week if he is going to be upset / anxious / think I am not coming back.

I am very happy to be told that I am over reacting, it is hard being the only parent and therefore 100% responsible 100% of the time for his welfare, for decisions, for doing the right thing etc hence the desire to be sure i'm not just being selfish disappearing for a week.

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Original poster

seekingsunshine · 16/02/2010 18:30

sorry that sounded really defensive!

I'm interested in the pyschology of how children think because I really do want to know how he would perceive me not being there for a week. I have probably over-analysed, we went through some parent/child therapy after he was born and the therapist was very serious about things like this and how children react etc.

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Original poster

seekingsunshine · 16/02/2010 18:31

hmm I think he'll be fine when he starts school, as a) he will be nearly 5 and b) he will come home with me every afternoon....

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GypsyMoth · 16/02/2010 18:32

yes,i know its hard....it gets no easier with regards big decisions.

it will be best all round for your ds if his mum gets a break....you're lucky....been on my own five years with no family support,with no break...ever...its tough,but he'll be fine

maybe settle him in with a few long weekends etc first?

Original poster

seekingsunshine · 16/02/2010 18:33

respect, ILoveTIFFANY. that must be v hard.

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GypsyMoth · 16/02/2010 18:34

about school...yes,obviously he will come home,but if your anxious about a holiday leaving him with family,then your going to be anxious about school leaving him with strangers

and its usually 4 they start school

GypsyMoth · 16/02/2010 18:36

sorry pressed post...i meant to add,4 when starts school so not that far off really

bless him,he'll be ok.

Lulumama · 16/02/2010 18:36

it sounds like you have a wonderfully close bond, but you could probably both benefit from learning that the world won't stop turning if you are apart , although i understand your reticence

zozzle · 16/02/2010 19:11

I say go on holiday definitely! I think all single parents deserve a break from time to time! Most do an amazingly difficult job. Esp if you have willing gps who you trust and who have a good bond with your child.

Don't feel guilty either because happy, relaxed mum = happy kids (most of the time).

Original poster

seekingsunshine · 16/02/2010 19:12

fair enough, thanks for your views. would be really pleased to hear from anyone else. none of my friends has left their kids for more than a weekend ever so I thought it might be rather frowned on!

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Acinonyx · 16/02/2010 19:26

To me, the big factor here is that he is 3 and talking and understanding much more. You and gps can talk to him and explain that you are coming back.

I worried a lot about leaving dd. We have only started leaving dd with a babysitter since she was 3. When she complains that we are going out 'again' (not often at all!) I tell her that she too will want to go out at night when she grows up.

If he is happy to go to gps for a weekend - it will be fine. If you are worried, have him go for a longer weekend - say 4 days - to try it out. That might do you good - otherwise you will worry so much your holiday will be ruined.

SarfEasticated · 16/02/2010 19:51

My dd 2.5 loves staying with her nana, often wakes up yelling 'nana's house' and 'mummy and daddy go work, me go nana's!" and when she stays there for a weekend every month never mentions us at all. ungrateful wretch!
IMHO although not good for my feelings, it gives DD another little life, new surroundings and she knows she can cope on her own. It also gives us a wonderful chance to really relax. You should definitely go, do what Acinonyx suggested and try 4 days to see how that goes.
Have a wonderful time, you definitely deserve it

Original poster

seekingsunshine · 16/02/2010 19:54

thanks, glad to know I'm not the only one who worries about this. good ideas to try longer weekends in advance.

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NellyTheElephant · 16/02/2010 20:03

Please go. This really and truly isn't an issue. Start talking about it with him asap so he gets used to the idea, don't waver, just tell him that he will be staying with gps soon (don't bother saying 'for a week' he won't get that concept of time), what fun it is going to be, discuss with him plans for activities that he is going to do, get gps talking about it and how they can't wait to have him to stay, what a treat it is going to be for them, what they are going to cook him, where they are going to take him, look at the bed he's going to sleep in, buy him some special pjs for granny's house etc etc. Don't talk too much about your own holiday, don't make that the focus (although tell him you will be away having a lovely time for a short while and can't wait to come back and tell him all about it, can't wait to send him lots of post cards etc). All my 3 of mine (age 5, 3 and nearly a year) have often stayed with my mother, they LOVE it. Unfortunately she finds it a bit tough with all 3 so I haven't managed a week away recently (I wish!)

nickschick · 16/02/2010 20:08

I know whats wrong here.

You are a single parent,your life revolves around your child and you are feeling good old fashioned guilt .

That you might be happy and have fun without him - GO and enjoy yourself,let him experience time with his grandparents and learn that although you are undoubtedly the best person in his life your not the only one who can care for him.

He will cope and develop important life skills in not being with you all the time - and its great that his Grandparents will spend some quality time with him.

You are not superhuman you need time out too.

Grab this chance.

Elasticwoman · 16/02/2010 20:15

We left 2 dc aged 3 and 1 with gps and aunt for 5 days and it was fine (this is years ago). Then i read that your ds is v anxious and you are a lone parent so I can see your dilemma. But I think the worst that can happen is that ds experiences some distress for some of the time. On the other hand he will more likely benefit hugely from being with doting gps for a week. I don't think there will be long term repercussions if you really do come back after 1 week. Agree with people who said talk to him and tell him what's going to happen (over and over again - once is not going to sink in).

teaandcakeplease · 16/02/2010 20:16

How does he get on in pre school when you drop him off? Does he go? As I thought they're eligible for 15 hrs a week at age 3 ish.

If it was me I would go and stay with my child, with the gps for a few days maybe a week before going on the actual holiday. Just to get them used to it and comfortable with staying there and tell them in a week you'll be going away and they'll stay there etc. Just get them warmed up to the idea and that you love them, they'll have a lovely time and you'll come back again blah blah blah.

But I'm no expert, I'd just ease them into the idea of it. It's always going to be hard leaving them but it'll do you good to have a break and do them good as well to get used to you not always being there, but you always come back etc.

That's my opinion for what it's worth anyway

Horton · 16/02/2010 20:38

seekingsunshine, I have a super-clingy child who has never yet stayed overnight at her grandparents' because when I suggest it to her she reacts with absolute horror. I absolutely understand your reticence and a week is a lot different from a night in child world, IMO. She's 3.5. I would say that if your little boy is happy to stay with his grandparents for a weekend, maybe try three days next time and four the time after that and see how you get on. I'm not a single parent by the way, but because DH is so rarely with us for any extended period of time she tends to treat him like an interesting and occasionally slightly slow on the uptake foreigner rather than a member of the family (obv I discourage this).

Going to stay for a couple of nights before you leave him might be a good idea but equally once you go he won't have the novelty of the new place and doting grandparents to distract him. It could go either way, depending on your son's personality.

Sorry, that wasn't much help. All I'm saying really is maybe try a slightly longer stay, one where you can come and get him if it goes wrong, instead of doing it for the first time when you absolutely can't come and get him, because otherwise you will be worrying so much it will spoil what is meant to be a much-needed relaxing break for you. And no doubt you will still miss him! But if you can feel absolutely certain that he's fine and safe and not unhappy, you will enjoy your holiday much more, as you deserve to.

Original poster

seekingsunshine · 16/02/2010 20:46

thank you again - everyone is so lovely and putting my mind at rest. he is very clingy atm, and is going through a real phase of howling when I leave him at preschool - but he gets over himself and has a good time pretty soon. but will ask where Mummy is quite a bit even if just out with gps for a day. hopefully he will have grown out of some of this in a few months.

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QueenofWhatever · 16/02/2010 20:49

When my ex and I were still together, we went away for 6 days when DD was one year old and another week's skiing when she was three. His Dad and Stepmum felt obliged to tell him that we were going to cause her irrepearable (sp?) psychological damage. We were both outraged, especially as they had reared their son by sticking him in front of videos for hours every day.

She was absolutely fine and had a lovely time with her Nana. Last year I spent a month in hospital and whilst this was obviously hard on her, she was fine.

Karoleann · 16/02/2010 23:10

I've been away from both of mine for a week, every year since they were born. They're fine up until a year old and I was actually away last week from DS1 (3.5) and DS2 (18months), DS2 was not impressed and has spent the last couple of days following me aound. DS1 was fine.
Last March when I was away DS1 was the worst - basically opened the door and said where have you been and then wouldn't talk to me for a day or so, but your DC is older and they do understand so much.
I've always found that the week away has been so relaxing, I feel like my parenting improves immeasurably from my time away.
DS1 is like yours very clingy, he still follows me to the loo - usually with DS2 in tow. Go.

spongeitup · 17/02/2010 00:25

No real advice but definitely empathy for your worrying about this. DS and I have actually been separated for a total of about 4 hours in his life. If I had someone to leave him with (not an option here) I would probably feel the same as you, even with doting and loving gps.

If I did decide to go I would do the same as a poster had suggested above - go a couple of days early to the GPs with him to get him settled - or have a couple of practise runs before the whole week.

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