6 yo dd - strange reaction to new of a family bereavement..

[Portofino]

Dd will be 6 next month. My Aunt sadly died this week, so we have had some conversations around that, what happens when you die, as you would expect. She knows that I am sad.

We will go back to England for the funeral, and as there is no where practical to leave her really, I thought she would have to come too. To this end, I've started to explain what will happen.

I said that people are there to say goodbye and will be very sad. She says - "Ha - I know who will be crying the most - YOU! You always cry!"

I explained that Auntie would be in her coffin at the front. She asked if we would be able to see her, and I said no. Then she asked if someone would have to chop her head and legs off first to get her in the box!

She hasn't yet asked what will happen to the coffin when the curtains close, but she was interested in what colour they (the curtains) might be.

Last night she picked a story to read, and chose "Goodbye Mog". She then sat their intently watching my face waiting for me to blub, as she KNOWS that I do when I read that story (the bereavement just made it worse).

I'm presuming that it wasn't a coincidence that she chose that book last night. We had Love You Forever earlier in the week and she seemed to be amused that that made me cry too.

Now I'm worried that she is being too "cool and clinical" about things. Have I given birth to a budding pyschopath, or is she unsure of what is going on and "testing" me?

Why would she think it funny to make me cry on purpose?

I have to add that she is normally a very bright and affectionate child who is kind to the cat etc....and I haven't been worried up til now. I'm a bit concerned now about the funeral - will it upset her or will she come out with something very innappropriate and upset someone else.....

Any thoughts?

She is exploring the notion of sadness and grief, in a safe way

perfectly normal

She may well show curiosity, question you endlessly about stuff, ask what we might feel to be inappropriate questions, but she will just be trying to make sense of it in her own little mind

I am sorry for your loss

She's only 6 and death's a big concept to get your head around. I really wouldn't worry about it, or make her think it's a big deal. She probably finds a 'grown up' crying fascinating, and that would be why that part has captured her interest.

If you could leave her with someone during the funeral, that might be best to avoid any cringemaking stage whispers, but if you can't, then it would probably be best to rehearse how to behave, and what sort of things to say (or just to keep silent). Sorry about your aunt.

Perfectly normal action for a small child, She is just trying to understand it all

Sorry for your loss.

My DD is approaching 6 and her friend lost her grandmother recently which has resulted in her asking loads of questions.

At this age, they really arent sure what is appropriate/inappropriate and its probably the first time she has seen "grief" and its just her way of trying to find an explanation for your reactions.

I really wouldnt worry about it, its perfectly normal.

I distinctly remember climbing on my Grandmother's knee and asking if she cried when I heard someone had died, I was about 4 or 5.
I wasn't sad about the death as it was no-one close to me, and I doubt if I understood the concept of death anyway - I was fascinated by the idea of adults crying and the reactions of the adults in general.

I didn't grow up to be a psychopath!

Porto - sorry to hear this - I will email you.

Echo what has already been said, this is perfectly normal.

Sorry for your loss, hope that the funeral goes "ok".

My dd is 6 and is fascinated by death- in what could seem (if I were in your situation where I was really going through it) hard and clinical, but at the moment, just makes us laugh. She asks the very same questions about coffins, what happens to bodies, when daddy and I are going to die and all sorts.

when my grandfather died the whole extended family wentto the funeral including about 7 or 8 children aged 4-7.
They were all exactlythe same. It isn't unusual. Children are figuring out what it all means - it is an abstract concept at that age , akin to a wedding or a birthday or any other ritual.

Children are no more grieveing for the distantish relative at a funeral than they are celebrating the union of two random people ata wedding.
Asking technical question, being curious about grief is natural. It does not mean she lacks empathy. It most certyainly does not mean she is a psychopath. She is just being a child.

My mum still tells the story of how she enjoyed her mothers funeral as it meant that she would get cake for the first time ever at the wake. It didn't mean she didn't grieve terribly for a mother she missed and loved enormously. She was just being 9 - thats all

she doesn't think it's funny to make you cry on purpose. She's watching you cry to learn when it is appropriate to cry. She's laughing because she doesn't see the inherentsadness in books like Goodbye Mog, as she hasn't yet experienced bereavemtn

Thank you! You have made me feel much better! Maybe pyschopath was a bit of a strong word to use . I guess I'm just feeling a bit sensitive and she comes across a bit "heartless" if you know what i mean.

I can just see her asking my Nan, who is 82, if she is going to be dying soon because she is old.....I think I will tell her to restrict any questions she might have to mum & dad......

I expect your nan can take it though - my ds1 has asked his gran that question, and she wasn't bothered, she just said that she was fine and not about to pop her clogs! She's 82 too.

My dd was like this- used to make me read really sad books like goodbye Mog or The Selfish Giant because she knew I'd cry!
She's 13 now, and whilst she has her problems, has not started cutting the legs off insects

Really normal ....my ds3 came down the other night sobbing his head off ,when I asked him what was wrong he said hed been thinking about me dying and it made him v sad ....ohh no i said dyings not frightening its a great big adventure with god and ill be able to watch you and love you just as i do now......

hooooowwwwww?? he wailed i inagined your head had been cut off .......

She is being normal for a 6 year old

And she is pointing out that you are generally over-emotional at the same time as you obviously cried in front of her a lot before your bereavement

Both seem fair

I am sorry for your loss though

Sorry to hear about your aunt, Portofino.

My DN (aged 5 at the time) was sat on my mum's knee after my gran's funeral - she asked my mum why she looked so sad, and when my mum explained it was because her mummy had died,DN gave her a reassuring stroke on the face and said "Don't worry Granny, you're old too, so you'll die soon and be able to see her then." Thankfully mum is still going strong despite Dn's prediction..At this age they have no real concept of what death /funerals are all about.

Wasn't expecting new replies! Thanks everyone! My nan has told me I mustn't bring her to the funeral as it will be too upsetting. She is very curious now so unless I can offer an exciting alternative, I think she might get more confused if she gets left behind.

My family are very keen on hiding anything "unpleasant". Don't think it did me any favours as I never learnt the skills growing up. Don't want that for dd.

I've done some training in young people and bereavement (I used to work for a charity and worked with young people who had a medical condition and their siblings) She is behaving very normally for her age. They can get very interested in the physical aspects of death, especially with regard to the body, what happnes to it etc.

It can be really upsetting for adults to hear when they are dealing with their grief in an adult way - it's about remembering that for children it's all a lot more simple.

There's a website called 'Winstons Wish' where you can place a star in a virtual sky and name it after your loved one. Maybe that could be someething you could do with her - you can explain that it's something she can do to remember your Aunt.

A close friend of mine died last year and her son is 6. He went to her funeral and sat at the front with his Dad and Auntie. He spent the service drawing dinosaurs in his colouring book. This doesn't mean he was callous, he is just a normal 6 year old. He misses his Mom a lot, and talks about her, and how it's just him and his Dad now and Mom is like a star in the sky etc etc.

FWIW at the training they suggest that you do involve children in funerals etc as then it isn't some huge mystery to them. They told us about case studies where children imagined all sorts of wierd things because of what well meaning adults told them in order to make things easier to understand or deal with but actually confused the issue.
Death is part of life - sad but none the less true.

Oh and I should have said - I am sorry for your loss. xxxx

My dd and ds were 7 and 9 when my dad died a year ago they were both very upset and i took them to the funeral it helped my dd loads as it explained everything to her iykwim? ie it was ok to cry cos everybody else was, where grandad went and the reason why we visit a grave it was upsetting and my children saw grandad in his coffin as it was a open coffin i didnt want them to but ds is strongheaded and he saw the neighbours son at the coffin so demanded he could to i think tho now that did help.

My ds twins who were 4 at the ttime didnt go the funeral lewis who has complex special needs including possible autism has never cryed over grandad he laughed when we told him then asked a million questions of how he become a star why didnt he use a ladder to go up the sky etc etc Daniel his twin did cry but didnt understand why he was crying he just joined in with the crying iykwim? They didnt go the funeral they would have ran riot and not sat down during the service etc.

Suppose what im trying to say is everything is perfectly natural for her and i think going the funeral will help her understand everything better so sorry about your loss xxx