2.11 biting and refusing to have a nappy change at pre school

[pigletmania]

I went to pick up my dd 2.11 at pre school, and was told by the manager that dd bit her arm and was resisting so much that two people could not change her nappy . I feel so down and like a bad mum, she is not like this at home, i have never known her biting or being violent. I know that she has a thing about small spaces like toilets. At mums and babies last week i tried to take her in with me but she was resisting so much that i left her with another mum while I went. In my friends house she asked to go to the toilet, i took her but she started crying and did not want to go in (her loo is quite small and dark).

I feel so bad, mabey its something I have done. I used to smack her (not anymore) and i have really shouted at her in the past, when i have been low and dd has been really naughty. Any advice. She is normally so placid at nursery but it just happened when they tried to change her nappy. She is violent towards other children or teachers at the nursery.

sorry meant she is NOT violent towards other children and teachers at nursery my typing is bad.

just the nappy changing incident

Firstly, lots and lots of DCs this age bite (my DS2 did) - and not just in a situation like this, but he'd bite other DCs - don't feel guilty!

Secondly, seems to me that the staff could have handled this differently. They need to get to the bottom (pardon the pun) of her reluctance to have her nappy changed - I would be thinking:

is her bum sore?

does she feel uncomfortable with one member of staff in particular (I work in a playgroup, and some children prefer a certain member of staff to change them)

can they change her somewhere else, or change her standing up if she feels scared laying down on the floor ?

TBH, I'm not surprised she bit them if she was so freaked that 2 members of staff had to try and change her. It should not have got to that level of confrontation. I know that our playgroup, if a DC really does not want their nappy changed, and we can't persuade them, then we'll ring the parent to ask their advice - even if that means leaving them in a pooey nappy for a while.

Also, do you think she might be telling you she's ready for potty training. Maybe the staff could try her on the potty at playgroup at regular intervals so she feels more in control ?

If it's just about the toilet - then they need to think of ways to make it more welcoming - lights, decorations on the ceiling, posters etc.

me again - maybe have some kind of security object to take into the toilet with her if she's afraid eg a toy.

Also, I thought of this light, which can be charged up and then used without being plugged in.

Thanks Jamie for the great advice, it sounded quite scarey my little dd fighting off two members of staff, i think she was scared thats the only time she would behave like this, that happened to me when i tried to take her to the toilet with me at mums and babies. Yes your right she does not like lying down, at home fine, but anywehre else no. Mabey the situation did get out of hand and she was scared especially when two staff were needed. I think that they did try to phone but my ring tone is turned low on my phone and i could not hear it.

What can i tell the staff when i see them next? Its half term next week so i have a bit of time.How to deal with it in a better way. I dont think that she is ready to potty train at the moment, i put her in knickers last week and dd has no concept of when she needs to go, bladder and bowel control if she needs a wee she just does in like a baby would. She cannot tell if she has done a wee or poo in her nappy. She did ask to sit on the toilet a few times this week. I put her in training pants for half a day each day so she can get more of an idea of being wet and dirty, will start properly after she has been to nursery school for a coupld of months. Dd is going to a nursery attached to the local primary school in March when she turns 3 and they are ever so good there, They told me that they will support her with her potty training and getting ready.

When i first had dd she had colic and i develop PND, went to the doctor for medication. The way i used to deal with her behavior was wrong and i know that now and dont shout or smack anymore. When i heard from the nursery about what happend i was sad thinking that I was a very bad mum.

Oh piglet - toddlers are very hard work. Glad you have stopped smacking, but I know how it feels and i too had my phase of things getting on top of me and shouting.

The biting, from the sound of it was to do with her feeling overwhelmed, and not having any other way to let them know. Lots of DCs do this, and it's often nothing at all to do with parenting ....

I'd say to the staff that you have noticed she seems scared of small spaces, and is there any way they can make it easier for her - keeping the door open, singing to her, letting her take a toy in, changing her standing up. If they are good at their job, they should be trying to see things from her point of view, and not rushing her.

I agree not to rush with the toilet training. Both my DSs were over 3, and got clean and dry very quickly.

Thanks Jamie, Psychology is my area did an MSc Health Psychology at London Met and would like a career in that or like you Child Psychology, I should know what to do. I guess I do, but when its your own child you do worry, and I am a big worrier. I would love her to be out of nappies and for her to be ready but at the moment it seems so far away like it will never happen. I have had 2 failed attempts to PT, one in the Summer and in November.

Though dd is nearly 3 it is like she is a year younger tbh, still does the baby talk and is talking but not fluently, like other children of her age. I dont think she yets understands how to express herself tbh and yes that is probably why she lashed out. She does not like small dark spaces, even the shopping mall toilets which are lovely, its a nightmare to get her into them. Dont know how we will manage when she is out and needs the toilet . Thank you so much Jamie its very reassuring. I am looking forward to her starting the School nurery as the staff seem really good and very into their job, the pre school which she is in has a very high staff turnover, never the same staff for long.

I think that my anxiety and worrying has probably made it worse in her being ready to PT, i am trying to be more relaxed about it and take her cues.

My daughter threw a wobbly about nappy changes - it was def her way of saying no more nappies and she was 23months.

DD would rather wallow in her wee and poo. She does not like nappy changes but she has no concept of when to go or being wet and dry. if she wees she just does it there and then, so i have to change her about 3 times an hour, no bladder or bowel control. I am hoping that bey putting her in training pants for a few hours she will get the message and learn the concepts and when she needs to go so that when i do go cold turkey in a few months she will have some idea i hope

pigletmania - in your case, I think I'd leave it for a few months, as you say. My DS1 just wasn't in the least bit interested, and because I knew I'd get stressed out about it, I just left it as long as possible (just before he started a new playgroup), and went straight into pants on a "Big Boy" day with his dad.

He was about 3 and a quarter. I knew that physically he was old enough, and I was also ready . He was clean and dry in a week, and I never needed a portable potty either. I think that unless your child is asking, then best to leave it. You could try it now and succeed in the end, but who needs weeks of accidents ?

Re : Psychology and worrying - been there ! I think being a worrier thoughtful person is what draws a lot of us to studying Psychology .... and dealing with your own DCs is totally different from dealing with someone elses. Also, I am in a position of being wise in hindsight because my toddler days are long gone (thank God)

Thanks Jamie its great having you on here. I will wait until dd is a little older and the weather is warmer as she is just not ready now. I heard from many people that once they are, it is so easy, no months of accidents and using a porta potty, as they will also have more control over their bowel and bladder enough to get to a toilet. I know that if i start now i will have months of accidents until it finally falls into place and i would have got there anyway if we had waited. How old are your dcs now Jamie? Yes love Psychology i always found it so interesting, but I think that quite a lot of it is common sense too, well it seems that way to me

Mine are nearly 7 and 9 - and great fun. Must actually interact with them now ......

he he yes