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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Argumentative 3 yr old??

13 replies

fordywastaylor · 10/02/2010 19:47

For about the last 3 or 4 months my ds seems to have mastered the art of arguing black is white... some things are as simple as "will daddy be home" I say "no not yet, later" then ds "yes he will" I say "no, not till later" Then "yes he will" Its at this point I just shut up cos it becomes silly and ds gets stressed and cross. Sometimes it just creeps up from nowhere, but every time I just don't seem to be able to make him listen or understand. It can be a bit tiring, especially as the whole household has had/got flu at the moment so patience is something we all have little of! Is this a phase??? If so how best to deal with it, and when will it pass?????

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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mrspoppins · 10/02/2010 20:00

ok..try this...when he argues back with an opposite viewpoint, say, in a casual, matter of fact way..."oh, ok, sweetie" and move on immediately to another topic...would you like a story...shall we colour in...come and help me put the washing in etc...

He wants you to react...

When you do, BINGO..he's got it!

He may up his game when he sees you no longer do but it won't last for long. Just don't go back once you have started otherwise all of your hard work is undone.
This must go for all adults dealing with him.

It will pass...he has simply learned a bit of power!

Karen

mrspoppins · 10/02/2010 20:01

He wants you to react...

When you do, BINGO..he's got it!

It will pass...he has simply learned a bit of power!

Karen

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 10/02/2010 20:08

I must admit that I am usually quite an expert at diversion tactics, but what is getting me at the moment is the way in which he has mastered this...he will go on and on if you let him. Its a reaction he wants is it? Another thing that he phases me with is when I am trying to get him to do something that he doesn't want to I will say " Well if you don't come and put yr shoes on we won't/can't go to the park and see the peacocks" he will reply "ok then won't go" What do I do then??? He is my first by the way and its all learning for me!!!

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MajorMajor · 10/02/2010 20:33

You have to avoid getting into the argument! You can never win it. I sometimes find making a joke of it can work. Eg you say daddy will be back later, he says no now, so you say 'oh really? maybe he's here already then - is he hiding up your jumper?' and give him a sound tickling.

Also, another thing I find is don't ever make an idle threat like 'do x or we won't go to the park' unless you are completely prepared to follow it through. I seem to periodically do this with my ds1 (now 4yrs), where I argue with him, give him a last warning then follow through on the threat. It makes him think and usually he behaves better for a few weeks - at least he knows I'm serious when I give him an ultimatum.

ilovetochat · 10/02/2010 20:39

oh god my dd 2.7 is exactly the same, she argues over everything. she will say is it dark and if i say yes its nighttime sh will say no its not its light, drives me mad.
if i tell her to get dressed she runs off, if i say if you want to go to gym you need to get dressed she says she doesnt want to go to gym so i ignore her and she starts whining she wants to go to gym, so i go back to help her and she runs off again, she is a nightmare.
she has even started shouting no i wont at me and poked me during dinner today to try and get a reaction.
so i know how you feel.

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 10/02/2010 20:40

You are right with the idle threat, it has backfired on me a few times. I am quite strong though and prob quite strict with DS, but I just feel at times if I give an inch he will take a mile. He perseveres with stuff and won't give in, it seems. Is this all normal behaviour, and what are they trying to achieve? I just don't know, we seem to have a few weeks of relatively saintly behaviour and then a lapse happens and he has learnt other stuff to test us all with! He does go to nursery 2 days a week, I suppose they find their feet there!

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harecare · 10/02/2010 20:41

Agree never to make a threat if you won't carry it out. Can he put his own shoes on? I often say to my DD who'll be 3 in 3 months "I'm going to count to 3, you either come over here and you can do your shoes yourself and I'll give you a big kiss or I will have to get you and do it which will make me cross. 1,2,3" You then get his shoes on but do it in a functional way being a bit grumpy or "disappointed".
My DD also argues pointlessly, sometimes I'll just say "well I think whatever, but lets see if you're right"

harecare · 10/02/2010 20:44

It's totally normal. I think they're just experimenting with things. If I say Daddy will be back later or it's dark I am always right, maybe dd would like to be right and if she says he'll be back now it'll happen. It won't, but it's a good try.

Original poster

fordywastaylor · 10/02/2010 20:50

loveto, my ds started all this about 2.7, at first we found it funny with the contradictions, like in the car ds will say from the back..."is that a tractor" I say "yes its a blue tractor" ds.."No its not a tractor" I think to myself well you said it was a tractor in the first place....ahhhh Its just escalated from there. It just seems to depend on how my levels of coping are on that day as to whether it just flows over me and I ignore him, or I get wound up and annoyed by it. I know I am the adult here, but still it gets a bit much, and we have all been ill for so long. Last weekend my DH was taking ds out for the day to buy valentines/birthday presents ( I am lucky in some respects) I waved them off and popped to the loo, when I came out they were back in the house, DS crying. It seemed ds changed his mind in the car and said he didn't want to go out with daddy, so daddy got him out and they came in. We both knew he wanted to go out really, and it all seemed a cut nose of to spite face incident. Eventually they went out about 2 hrs later, but for god's sake!

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Original poster

fordywastaylor · 10/02/2010 20:52

Any advice how long this goes on?????? Prob until they are about 15 knowing my luck!!!

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Original poster

fordywastaylor · 10/02/2010 21:02

The other thing that freaks me is, if he is like this now, will it escalate to worse? I worry about him being a trouble maker/bully or worse....or am I being silly and things/life will settle down.....

OP posts:

mrspoppins · 10/02/2010 21:20

It WILL escalate whilst he is so young as he cannot reason yet and decide to stop it which is why you guys have to stop it for him.

When he didn't want to go in the car with your husband, there was no need to come back in...that gives your little one more power than he can cope with. He will thrive with firm parents and well defined boundaries...Next time, a casual ..hey ho, well we're off now! right then...shall we have the radio on or shall we have a chat? Diversion diversion diversion and ignore ignore ignore!!!!!

Ps..never threaten to miss stuff that will be great for them..like a walk or swings and ducks etc... as then evryone ends up with faces with no noses!!! Threaten things you don't care about..."please come here and put on your coat and then you can have a story CD on in the car...Would you like to help me choose one in a minute?...oh dear...If you don't put on your coat we can't have a CD..what a shame!
That sort of thing!!!

They grow and change...the problems grow and change!! Keep calm and smile!

meandjoe · 11/02/2010 13:21

My ds is exactly the same. He's 2.6 and been like it for a few months now/ He will litterally argue over everythin 'I don't want dinner' 'I don't want to see Grandad' 'I don't want to go to in the kitchen' blah blah blah. I try to ignore it as much as possible but I admit it is wearing!

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