Neurotic 7 year old girl - HELP!

[hockeypuck]

DD is 7 1/2. She has always been a bright, popular well behaved girl, obviously having her moments, but a normal girl.

Lately she has started to become neurotic about everything being perfect, about her hands being clean, about getting everything done and lately about telling us every single thought in her head before going to bed.

She has always slept well, had a good routine etc. Lately, she goes to bed at 8 and comes down time and time again saying "my bottom feels wet I want to wipe it"; "i touched my sheet, I need to wash my hands", "I need to remember my reading book tomorrow", stuff like that.

Last week I developed a rule whereby if she didn't come down for 5 nights she would get a present - she did this (over 8 nights) and had a new HSM cup. The next night (last night) was one of her worst, she was screaming and sobbing in her bed saying "I'm so lonely, I'm the worst girl in the world (a popular phrase at the moment with her)" and then coming down and trying to cough and wretch in the toilet. Any excuse to get attention.
Tonight we made a list of what was unacceptable behaviour (sobbing, coming downstairs, shouting for us and waking her brother etc) and what the consequences of that behaviour was, which she helped us make. (e.g. 1. warning. 2. bedroom door closed. 3. landing light out. 4. no tv the next day etc) tonight has been the worst ever and she has gone through them all. If she hadn't gone through them the reward was going to be me picking her up earlier from after-school club for some girl-time and she cant have that now.
She has been a bit sad at school, about her friends mainly. I phoned the school and her teacher said "they won't play with her because she's bossy if things don't go her way" and didn't really offer much more help than that.

I literally have no idea what to do now. It's half past nine and she is sobbing and crying in her room. What do I do and where do I turn because I can't stand to see my lovely, lively, happy girl such a neurotic mess who has no self confidence and no happiness.

I tried at the weekend to distract her from bad things, we went out just her and I for girl time, we talked about problems at school and she came up with strategies for how things could be different if she handled her unhappiness in a differnet way and she was beaming about it. Now its Tuesday night and we're here now.

I am sitting crying writing this because I have no idea what to do. Any help much appreciated.

I'm no expert and my children are younger but it sounds to me as though this may have been triggered by something?? Is that possible?

She sounds distraught. Maybe that's what 7/8yo girls can be like but TBH I was quite worried reading your post thinking 'this child has been traumatised by something'

Have you sat down with her and tried to talk about it all when she is calm- explaining her behaviour, asking her what is wrong etc- obvious I know but can't think of what els eto suggest.

Hokey, not sure I'll be much help but thought I'd reply just in case. One of my dds was a bit similar but not to such a great extent. There were reasons, as well, that I could see why she was worried - she's a huge worrier. I found she was not very happy at school and worried about whether she was doing things "right". Also, a bit lonely at one point. But - she had just changed schools so it was rather easy for me to make the connection. She is so settled now, it took quite a few months and the school was very helpful about buddying her up etc. Can you talk to school some more - do you think it's that? Encourage play dates etc? It was always Sunday evenings for her - the angst of school and who she would play with. Am so sorry, it's so awful to see your children upset. Are there any activities she can do with a school friend - ballet/gym/a sport?

Sorry just reread and saw you did chat to her at the weekend. Is it possible there is more to it than just the girls not playing with her. Did she have friends before? What's happened to them?

.I only have a younger child so probably not much help. I hope someone else comes to help.

But I would say go and give her a cuddle and gently remind her about what you talked about at the weekend and her positive coping strategies. These strategies will need time to sink in. Hopefully she will be reassured if you are reassuring in your manner (as hard as this must be).

This may be a no brainer but would some music or a story tape help at bed time help to distract her?

I'm not sure about the giving consequences for sobbing etc, I'm really not. I mean it doesn't sound to me like that's going to be particularly helpful. But as I say, I don't have a child this age.

Then have a glass of wine or some chocolate or something after she's gone to sleep.

Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure about the consequences thing either - but the rewarding with a new toy didn't work past the 5 nights either.

She does have friends, they are typical 7 year olds who are best buddies one minute and falling out with each other the next. They're all a bit bossy, not just her.

The thing that confuses me is that she jst doesn't seem to have a problem in the day time, she talks about things and is happy and confident and lovely. Then at night time she gets worried and neurotic and panicky.

I will go and see her teacher again I think.

I just think it's become a pattern of behaviour and she's got into a habit now. I don't know how to break it.

Is she still crying now?
Im guessing maybe she is okay now - tis half an hour later

My gut reaction to reading your op was to suggest you go and give her a BIG hug and tell her how much you love her, that she doesnt need to worry, ask if there is anything troubling her etc. Then more hugs
My ds is 8 and worries about all sorts. I still sing to him sometimes when he is in a state and cant sleep

Laura, she is still awake but has stopped crying. I've tried the hugs and the talking, but talking about her worries just eems to encourage more and more of them in her and also her thinking that she only gets attention when she tells us about negative things and not positve attention. I'm trying to make it positive as much as possible.

Have just had talk with DH about whether we do the supernanny thing and stick with this tactic (which DD agreed to in the daytime, she even helped write the consequences) for 3 nights before re-evaluating. Or whether to let her come down as much as she wants and have as many hugs as she wants (which I think is kinder, but also not practical to DH and I who both work long hours and need time to do chores and finally unwind and also in the long term not good for DD who needs to learn to get herself to sleep and needs some good solid sleep.

My thoughts at the moment is that I give her a ton of positive reinforcement all day and encourage school to do the same and then at night stick with this till Friday before giving up on it completely. I'm hoping that the positive reinforcement, girl-time, stories and attention all make up for the upset at night and that she gets out of the habit by th weekend.

I hope so anyway - cos we're both a mess right now!

Hi. When my DD was 7 or 8, she went through on/off relationships at school. She always enjoyed school but she would get very upset if her friends didn't play with her and didn't do what she wanted them to do. She never really got invited to many parties or round for play dates but then as I work full time, it wasn't really ever possible. I think this was partly to blame. However, we always played her worries down, particularly at bed time as this was always when she would try and start up a conversation about how her day had gone and how horrible everyone is (attention seeking to try and get a later bedtime!). We checked at school and they said she was fine during the day. She never had problems if she stayed over with her grandparents. After a year or so it went away.

However, when she was 12 she went through a much worse phase which resulted in us moving her to a new school. She still has a tendency to obsess about things, her weight, clean hands, turning off taps with her elbows to stop contamination but there is nothing I can do to change her behaviour - I can only try to resist reinforcing it. When I was younger I went through various neurotic phases so I understand her need to act in this way.

I firmly believe that it is part of the way she is and she will eventually grow out of it (as I have). I think the danger is that if we put too much emphasis on her neurosis, we will then create a bigger behavioural problem.

I am only a mum, I'm not sure if this is really sound psychological advice, but I hope you can find a way of distracting your DD from her worries. I would treat it like another phase in her growing up and keep a watchful eye from a distance.

Love and Hugs.

Ahh hockeypuck
I forgot one key thing - I dont talk to ds about his worries in the evening, especially if he is already fussing about something or not able to sleep.

Talk to her in the daytime about her worries/anxieties - talk to her when she is happy/relaxed

In the evening when she is fussing I would just reassure over and over, lots of hugs, lots of I love you, lots of 'nothing to worry about, go to sleep' (I regularly say that in my most loving voice with gritted teeth!)

I would say to her - one big hug in her room, come down once for big hugs and reassurance but thats it. - after that I would try a hug, but a lot less comfort and a lot more brusque off you go to bed now.

Obviously she wont like that (but trust me I know what it is like for an 8yo to come downstairs 20 times fussing about little things)

I wouldnt punish her for fussing at bedtime, I would do mega praise the following day for any successful bedtime - not necessarily a reward but definately huge praise!

Also try to talk about all the worries etc before lights out - perhaps at tea time even. Would writing her worries down help, in a special notebook you could go out and buy together?

Ds went through a phase of hand washing because he thought he could see microscopically small black specks of dirt on his hands...........

HTH I know exactly what you are going though!

Would it be worth her reading a book like "What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety"???www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=pd_sim_b_5

I think it gives some quite helpful advice on how to deal with your anxious thoughts and how to bring them under control. It might help her realise that she can have some degree of control over this herself, rather than the onus being entirely on you to make her feel better.

Your poor dd! Anxieties really do peak at night, I find this with my ds. Keep talking to her to try and get her to open up. I used to be awful at night at about this age. My mum went into the school and it was all sparked by a very bad dream that absolutely terrified me. After that I just would not settle at night, crying, begging not to go to bed, wanting to be in their bed, begging my brother to sleep in my bed with me. My mum helped me through by keeping my light on in my room with a small blanket over the top and eventually I calmed down. I am always sympathetic to my ds when he says he is imbed and scared because I know it's a real fear as I was terrified. Keep talking and go back to the school. They didn't exactly sound helpful and I think they are the keybin helping you get to the bottom of this. Good luck xxx

Thank you so much for all those ideas - I'll definitely be giving them a try.

She was happy this morning before school and she said she thinks her worries have gone now and that tonight will be better. We'll see!!

Unfortunately her 3 year old brother has come down with chicken pox overnight!! so we have something else to deal with as well - maybe it'll be a distraction to her -you never know!

I appreciate all your help - thanks!

I just read your post and it made me remember that I was a bit like this myself as a child. For some reason, night time was when my brain engaged and I would lie in bed dredging up things to worry about (I'm still the same!). If she is happy and normal during the day, I would suggest that it is what I think of as 'quiet time anxiety'. When all is still and you have nothing else to stimulate your senses your mind goes into overdrive and winds you to a point when you can become distressed. I find it helps to wind down properly before bed. No TV or stories that will play on her her mind, no deep conversations about anything - keep things simple and superficial so her mind is as clear of thoughts as possible at bed time. Try to get her a bit sleepy before leaving her in bed - quiet talking or singing the same song nightly, stroking her forehead or fiddling with her hair. Just be comforting and settling. It all helps to calm her down and distract her active brain.

I second the worry book it is really good I would be worried about the not being played with thing. Lunch time is an eternity to a child with no one to play with. If she is having problems socially the school should help her. Exclusion from games is a very female subtle type of bullying that is just as upsetting as being hit. I don't know if anyone has mentioned it already as I haven't read the whole thread but this is a good book www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-called-Friends-Safari/dp/034087581X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books &qid=1265801041&sr=8-2

i hope you are mamaging to manage her behaviour. i feel deeply sorry for the poor little mite. Defo echo the posters who recommend cuddles not punishment. I realise this will be hard becuase it is so frustrating for you and you need some adult time in the evenings, but it seems that the reward/punishment is not working. Hugs, kisses, maybe read her a bedtime story (if you don't now that she is older(). leave door ajar, nightlight'/lamp on, go back every five mins or so to reassure her etc. Tell her you will be back to check on her, give her a hug etc. etc. hth