Feeling awful for my ds1

[iMum]

Ive posted on here before about my ds1 and some his behaviour isses. Ive been really concerned about him for just over a year and have taken him to the doctors with issues relating to anger management I think he has got "anger overload"
He moved schools at the october half term and so far has settled really well-reasons for moving are that he was extremely unhappy and these angry outburst were getting more and more frequent, he was asking me daily to leave school and we really though that the school could be the cause of his issues.
The angry outbursts are vile, real rages that can come from nowhere, they involve him screaming verbal abuse in my face, complete disobedience and him hitting and kicking me.

On Friday this is what happened.

I icked him up from school and he was fine, full of the joys! We had to go get petrol for the car and on the way there were chatting about all sorts-him sat in the front with me. He asked me a question about school and I didnt understand him, the way he worded it was difficult to "get" so i asked him to repeat it aand he hissed "for gods sake just listen" so I told him that was rude and not to speak to me like that, firmly but not shouting. He then turned his back on me, I said again that this was unacceptable and then he errupted into a frenzy of "shut your fat gob" "you never listen" " your a stupid mum" "i dont need anyone"etc etc I abandoned the hope of nipping into waitrose after petrol and drove home with him kicing and hitting me all the way, I ignored him as best I could tho I did have to hold his leg down once as he was kicking my hand on the wheel.
When we arrived home I said that he would have to go straight to his room, we got in he dumped his things on the floor and when I asked him to put them away he said in a sarcy voice :but you told me to go straight to my room".

He spent the rest of his day there, I took his dinner up etc- Saturday morning we had a big chat about things and he was sorry, I said sorry for if I made him feel like I didnt have time for him so much now (we have 2 new ds's in the family ds2 is 3 and ds3 is 15 months)
The rest of the weekend passed without incident. and was really quite lovely!

Today we had another meltdown this morning, surrounding him wanting to listen to his cd player (harry potter audio book) when he should have been teeth brushing etc, It escalated very quickly from me asking him to brush his pegs and him replying "Why cant I ever do what I want" and me warning him that if he continues to yell at me then he would loose his cd player rights. (he has it to listen to at night when the little ones are in bed.)
He got very abusive again, but we were late for school and I was at the end of my teether with it all, and to my shame I smacked his bottom, he got all panicy (i believe put on) and started screaming that he couldnt breathe I tried calmly telling him that he could deep breaths etc but he was getting hysterical and I held him really tightly on him arms and was right in his face telling him he could breathe, trying to get him to breathe in and out with me-I didnt get anywhere and he was stuggling like mad and so I walked away.
As I was in the hall getting his brothers ready he fell silent, when I checked he was sat on the bean bed calmly!

We got to school, I had to sign him in and explain what had happened-teacher was lovely and called me through to talk about it with her. She was wonderful, said she had been through the same thing with her son and that I should trust my instincts more (i prefer the hug method but come from a family of tough lovers!) I had been to see my doctors regarding ds1 as I have been so worried and he had even suggested smacking him as a way to shock him out of this rage we did surprise me! we chatted and gave me the number of a domestic violence group to talk to as they could offer advice for dealing with that side of ds1.

Now here is the part I am feeling so horrendous about! Ds1 got in the car after school and was fine, telling me about his day etc-he said that he had to ask his teacher to help him as his arm was hurting, he has got a red mark on the underside of his arm about 2 cms long! and it muct be from me from where I was holding him-I feel so appaling that I have hurt him and am now imagining all kinds of senarios involving social services and them taking my boys away.

I love them so much and cant bare to see my ds1 stuggling and so unhappy, but it almost like a split personality, like a red mist descends-when dh is home and he does it one of us can sit and hold him on our lap until it passes as he not unknown to trash his room/belongings if left to get on with it. I just dont know what to do for him %99 of the time he the most wonderful little boy you could meet, clever, kind and very funny! but he has these rages which leave me feeling that he is almost difficult to like and that must make me seem like the worst parent going

I never ever want to feel like this again, that I have marked him is tearing me up inside really-please dont flame me-I'm not sure I could handle that too...

Oh sweetheart! You sound like an amazingly patient mummy! The incident in the car sounded awful. This must be so hard with 3 children to deal with.

I have no advice for you but I wanted to send you a huge huge hug x

I would've done exactly the same in the circumstances. You could go on a parenting class at your local surestart centre, maybe that would give you some more ideas? But hopefully another clever mumsnetter will be along in a minute with a suggestion but you're a good mum, no one will flame you x

Thankyou so much for your reply tea and cake-I ad another talk with his support teacher this morning and sh has offered us all kinds of help-one on one help for ds1 with a learning mentor, helping him to recognise his emotions and how to manage them, counselling for me regarding the loss of my daughter before ds1 was born! and even a great day during the holidays for ds1 to go on all drama and dance which he will love!

So today I feel more positive, had a great chat with dh and we are all going to try to have a super calm and "listening" house!

Hopefully things will improve!

Glad you're not feeling so bad today, hopefully some other understanding mumsnetter who has been through the same will see your post tonight though x

You need to go back to the gps and see a different doctor.

how old is your ds? ds1 used to fly into appalling rages which blew up incredibly quickly and could be sparked by the most minor of incidents - he frequently attacked me and his younger siblings and at one point I was invariably covered in bruises. I too ended up holding onto him when he was in a rage and leaving marks on his arms, so I know how horrible you're feeling now.

For my ds, underlying anxiety was the root cause of a lot of his outbursts. For the last 3 years he's been seeing a lovely psychiatrist at CAMHS, he's also really settled in well to secondary school and he's a changed boy - much calmer, more focussed, more mature in the way he reacts to frustration. He was on medication for a while which took the edge off his aggression and impulsivity but he's now come off it with no ill effects

I always used to worry about how I'd cope when ds1 was a teenager as he was so difficult to deal with between 6 and 11 - and now he is a teenager and he's (mostly) delightful

hang on in there, even this will pass - and get a referral to CAMHS if your ds is old enough to get some decent support

Thankyou thankyou!

Ds1 is 8 and in year 3. I know I dont handle his rages well, mimsum-what is camhs? I did ask for a referral to a child psychiatrist/psychologist but the gp was very reluctant to as he put it "get your boy into the system" but more and more frequently now I feel that is just what he needs but it is so frightening!

CAMHS is Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service - your ds is the right age for it - much better to get help now before things escalate even further - I really can't see that a domestic violence group would be particularly appropriate

If your current GP won't refer, I'd definitely ask to see another one

imum - phone up your local council and ask to be put through to the educational psychologist's department. Speak to an ed pych and self refer your son.

i would say if you need and feel you should seek further help go back to gp and ask for referrals to be made

also pick your arguments if you have said something and he turns his back leave it as that you have said what you needed no need arguing further as it will make anyone angry

also would it have been a huge problem to play cd while brushing teeth maybe he needs some responsibility and to be able to act bit more grown up trust him with some responsibility let him listen to the cd but if he takes too long etc he wont listen to it again at teeth time

maybe you need to sit down and find what makes him so angry and compromise on it give him a little bit more and if he takes advantage then it gets taken away does having younger siblings stop you both from having 1-1 time or him not being able to do things because of younger siblings does he have to stop doing things in fear of disturbing the younger ones

maybe you can do something together once a month just the both of you and build your bond back up it sounds like his had a lot go on a lot of change and he needs to vent could he do a sport of some sort karate something that will allow any pent up frustration come out in good way its also about discipline and responsibility

it to me sounds like his just rebelling from having your time taken up with younger ones and is just trying to get your attention but in a negative way you both need to sit and listen to each other no arguing to and throw just take in how he feels and both see if you can come to some decision where he feels much happier and has more time with you

i think your doing great but its always a help to change how we handle things at times