Growing up in a sibling's shadow

[ChickensLoveMarmite]

I have two DS's. DS1, 9, is a very out going, confident, popular boy. He has always had a sunny disposition, and charms adults and children alike. He is also a very attractive child (to the point that starngers comment on how handsome he is) and very bright. DS2, 6, is also very attractive and bright, but severely lacking in confidence.

He told me yesterday that he hates how he looks (he wears glasses), he hates his hair (he's blonde, the rest of us are dark), he doesn't think he's handsome, he doesn't have any talents, DS1 is better at everything than him (not true, DS2 is following DS1 through school and doing equally well), he doesn't have a best friend, he's scared to ask people to play in case they say no, he doesn't think he's a nice person etc etc.

It was heart breaking to hear, and he seemed very certain about what he was saying. When I told him he was gorgeous, he said 'Really?' and looked baffled DS2 has always been a more challenging child, behaviour wise, and we did have him assessed when he was younger for his severe tantrums (lasted hours, involved him seriously bruising himself). The results were that he was very bright, and frustrated. Sometimes it seems that he makes his own life more difficult by the way he reacts to things, but I know he isn't doing it consciously. He is just one of those people who has to learn everything the hard way, sadly

I've tried to find things that DS2 is good at so that he can shine independently of his brother, but he has yet to settle on anything. Their relationship is good, if typical , and when DS2 was upset yesterday DS1 was telling him that he was brilliant, a great brother etc.

Last night, DS2 had a nightmare that we made him leave home and he was dying in the cold He spent the rest of the night clinging to me in bed. I spoke to his teacher this morning, and she said that he is well liked by the other children, and seems to be doing fine. DS2 also said that their were no specific issues at school. He is not great at coping in crowds, and tends to need some time alone IYSWIM. His teacher had to take him in to school this morning he was so upset, and it took everything in me not to pick him up and run home with him.

That's a difficult one but maybe you could encourage him to do new things ad it would help if they were things you were pretty sure he could succeed at or something that is not competitive so that he didnt lose? There are so many things he can do. Encouraging him to talk about his feelings might help and maybe suggest different ways of coping without pushing it. He will probably listen and do it in his own time. I have a child who did everything well and early and is very smiley and happy his brother hasn't felt challenged yet mainly because he has other things he is good at that his brother can't compete with. I hope things get better

I'm struggling to think of something he would enjoy, tbh. He is quite a solitary little boy, so teams aren't something he'd be interested in. He loathes being centre of attention, so dancing/drama are out. He is so unsure of himelf that he'd only join a club if his brother did too, completely missing the point. He enjoys going for walks, looking at plants and animals. He's very tender hearted, and loves looking after our chickens. However, he finds disappointment or loss unbearable. When 'his' chicken died last summer, he was distraught.