My DS is sad all the time

[Sheila]

I'm at my wits' end with DS. Every single day he comes home from school with stories of how his friends have laughed at him, not agreed with him, and generally "not been nice to him". This goes on all evening, reaching a peak as I'm putting him to bed, when I am at my most exhausted, so the day often ends with us both in tears and me losing my temper with DS, out of frustration more than anything else.

When I see DS with his friends he seems fine, although perhaps less mature than the other boys and much less streetwise. His teacher has notice nothing untoward, and he is doing well academically, so I don't think that it's a case of bullying, just that DS seems to find it really hard to cope with the rough and tumble of school life.

He seems to have very low self esteem, and it doesn't help that his father shows little interest in him. We're not together and DS is an only child, so it's just the two of us and can all get a bit intense. DS will be 10 next month.

What can I do in the long term to build his confidence and in the short term what's the best way to deal with his stories of things just not going right? I realise that losing my temper isn't the best way to deal with things, but I'm only human, and sometimes at the end of the day I feel completely wrung out.

Really grateful for any advice and thanks for reading all this.

How old is he?

sorry just saw the 10

You already said that losing your temper is not the answer but honestly it really will make things worse for him. Whatever the reasons, whether he generally is being bullied or left out at school or whether he is just perceiving it that way it is still upsetting him. Unless you think that he is making it up... in which case do you think he is looking for attention? Not wanting it to sound like you're starving him of attention (obviously) but sometimes a little bit of one to one time and huge amounts of over praising can do wonders for their self esteem.

Does he have any out of school hobbies or clubs that he belongs to? Sometimes being interested in something or having friends out of school is a good way of boositing their confidence.

Some children are just more negative and sensitive than others and there's not much you can do bt listen and TRY not to make him feel like it's his fault the boys are not being nice to him.

Problem is it's hard when you're knackered and wrung out but you have to tell him how special he is and try and make him feel good about himself. Maybe take a deep breath and listen to his concerns and ask him why he thinks the boys are behaving like that. Maybe deep down he feels there is something wrong with him and he feels like an outsider. It's really just your job to be there for him and every night before he goes to bed list all the wonderful things about him and tell him.

Every night when I put my ds to bed (he's only 2.6) I tell him all the amazing things he's done and all the things I think are really special about him and he goes to bed feeling so positive as oppose to snapping at him about all the tantrums and all the things he's done to drive me bonkers (which would actually take a lot longer )! xxx

hmmmm DD does this, she is a sensitive soul, sounds like your DS is too, they read into things a lot more than most kids and expect a lot from friendship....and are gratly dissappointed when things dont go to the script ...i get some really dramatic conversations at bed time!!!

I think all you can do is support them and be there for them...with DD i just listen and dont get drawn into long conversations about it as it seems to encourage her to elaborate and the problem seems to get worse

does that make sense?

I was just reflecting today how much a few years karate aged 12-17 profoundly influenced my life (I'm 29 now). I was a painfully shy child, academic but socially awkward. The martial arts training gave me an inner confidence which has always stayed with me, as well as being an opportunity to meet new people - I made firm friends there. Might it be worth considering this (or another club/interest outside of school) for your DS? He might hit it off with some new friends and his self esteem might improve

This may not be suitable. But on that Child of our Time programme, there was a little boy who was sensitive (a bit younger about 7) - and they got him a pet - a rabbit I think. Apparently there's some research backing this up.

do you have another male relative or friend who could do some male orientated activities with him?

I would second the karate idea. You can progress quite quickly at first which is encouraging.

Also, what I particularly like about it (this is from watching DS who is 10) is the fact that they all treat each other with great respect - the adults don't treat the children any differently. This might be good for him, I reckon.

Thanks so much for your suggestions. DS does kung fu, and we have a cat and a goldfish, so I am doing something right!

I don't know what to make of it really, I don't think for a moment that DS is making it up, but he does set very high standards for himself and focuses on the bad things that happen far more than the good things. I have to admit he is a bit like me in that respect, so the poor boy has probably inherited some of my worst traits.

I think a positive male role model would be great for DS but have so far failed to rustle one up - would be nice for me too!

DS gets a bum rap becuase he really only has me and I am all too often in a tearing rush and exhausted from work and motherhood on my own. I end up impatient and then hating myself for getting cross with my lovely, unhappy little boy...

I'm going to third the karate idea.

It gives kids inner confidence, a place to make friends outside of school, something achievable to work towards. It teaches respect, self-discipline and some self-defence.

It can also help release any pent-up emotions.

But most of all it's great fun. i've made some good friends and had a ball in the seven years I've been training.

The kids love it- especially the summer camp weekend and the junior tournaments.

i think you should concentrate of finding a male mentor/role model type figure for him... i know there are mentor programmes but not sure about your area.

it would help give him a blue print on how to behave as a young man and improve his social skills.

another idea is a drama club- it might help him express any feelings of frustration in a positive way.

concentrate ON finding a male mentor

I think it sounds like you're doing a hell of a lot right - it's understandable you lose patience because you are only human and it sounds very draining. So take the guilt out of the equation. Put in practical strategies instead, and focus on those.

Low self esteem could be a result of his situation re his dad, it wouldn't be at all surprising so I do think it will possibly help if you remember that this is probably partly genetic and partly due to his situation - both of which he has no control over. And by no means all kids are built to enjoy school - again, not his fault and nothing he can do about that.

I think you could perhaps try some positive 'games' with him like sitting down and making lists of things that he likes about himself/that he does well. We've got a great big whiteboard up in DS room and we write on there 'gold stars' for stuff he does (even tiny little things like putting something in the bin or whatever!) Maybe you could do something similar and write up positive messages about him?

Also I would set a time limit on your chats re the day. Perhaps tell him bedtime is now your 'looking forward' time. He needs to chat through his day before bed because at bedtime you will only chat to him about good stuff, things he's interested in or that he's looking forward to, or even plans for the future no matter how unrealistic! Perhaps he needs you to guide him out of this negative 'rut' he's in by being a little more prescriptive rather than responsive?

Oh god I remember this. DS went through a stage of this for similar reasons. Every night at bedtime I sat with him with a piece of paper and we listed out all the good things about him and the things he was good at.

It did end eventually...

Some really lovely suggestions here. I've started spending time with him before bed talking through the day - anything he wants to tell me, good or bad, and I listen very hard and symapthise, then tell him some things he's done during the day that I've really appreciated.

It seems to be working really well and he loves havig this time when he knows I'll really listen.

No fewer worries/complaints, but at least he is getting them out before bedtime and getting some positive feedback.. So we end the day on a good feeling.

CbyTheSea - thank you!

just a thought - is he 100% well physically? my ds2(10) goes through periods when his default setting is sad, and he will see everything that happens through a negative prism, very much 'glass half empty' ... mostly, this coincides with a time when he's constipated (chronic problem for him) and once we've got that sorted (for a while) his default setting gets switched to happy again

It can be very wearing listening to a constant litany of all the things that have gone wrong, and how the teacher's told him off and he doesn't know why (I've asked her and she says he's really well-behaved and hardly ever gets in trouble), about how his friends have done something that's 'unfair' - sometimes I just have to stop the conversation and say we're not going to discuss this anymore and move onto something else - can be tricky though