I wondered if there is anybody out there who is in a similar position to me and can offer me any advice.
I would greatly appreciate any other Mums or step Mums who have experience and would chat with me.
I have been a stepmum for a few years to sd who has adhd (aged 11) and there are days I really tear my hair out with her. I just feel we are stuck in a timewarp and she is not maturing and as my own dd is a year younger the gap between the two is getting bigger as they get older, my own dd was younger in years plus abilities/behaviour etc but she has now gone well past sd and is much more mature etc than sd. SD lives with us full time(has done since the beginning af merging the two families) and visits her Mum most weekends. We have other children too.
I really really try with her but she is just such hard work in a continually draining way like a dripping tap. She isn't violent to the extreme you hear of in some ADHD cases but she is very very tiring to live with. Everything is a battle just to do the normal life things. Meals are eaten like a tortoise and with alot of encouragement or she just wouldn't eat more than a couple of fork fulls(like a toddler needs encouraging), packed lunches are often uneaten (the school is useless help on this one..the only "incentive" we use and she works with, is if she doesn't eat it, she has to go to bed early which she really doesn't like)and yet she is so tiny and underweight that I am having to be really strict on forcing her to eat as otherwise she just wouldn't bother and would be ill. She is monitored regularly by hosp)
At home I have tried right from the start (6 years ago!!!) to get her to be responsible for her clothes etc but she continually looks scruffy, I ask her to put dirty clothes in the wash basket but she stuffs them instead..all round her room, in the bottom of her cupboards (and I just don't think to take them off, look to see if they are dirty and if so put them in the wash is expecting too much.)then she gets them out puts them on and stamps around when I tell her to go and get changed as her clothes are dirty..ie food stains, spilt drinks etc down the front.
Her relationships with other children is always strained (our children and others in her life in any form)as she is so unpredictable, they try hard with her but in the end just give up, for example this weekend we were away for the weekend and there were lots of other children there, they asked her to go out and play and she wouldn't, they asked a couple of times and she said no, then a little later she decided to go out and joined in but within minutes she was annoying them all as she was coming out with horrible comments and not taking turns to be "on" so they didn't want to play with her, she came in I chatted to her about playing nicely etc and she went out again, all started again and in the end we had to bring her in so the others could all play (about 10 other children all playing well together for a couple of hours)and she just lay on her bunk and played on her ds. We try to get her to socialise but all she wants to do is play on computer games/ds's and to me thats just not good for her (but does give me break! as she is quiet and not upsetting anyone.)
She is really unthoughtful about what she says and can be really hurtful...and I am not sure if this is genuine she doesn't know what she is doing or done on purpose. I have learnt over the years not to take it to heart but my dd gets hurt by it. My dd is the one person who really sticks up for sd most of the time and gets on generally with her fairly well, but then sd will say something like "Extinguisher is one of our spellings this week, well if we didn't have one and their was a fire b..... would die in a fire, wouldn't that be good" I know its prob cos dd doesn't get the strictness in life that sd does (and has to have or she would wreck the family completely) and so thats why she throws comments like that around but dd really gets hurt by it (understandably I think)
Her Dad and I often discuss problems etc and I am in the very lucky position that he lives in the real world..she isn't an angel who Daddy hangs on every word from..and he openly admits she is really tiring and you do have to live with her to understand just how much so. But I have the majority of the day to day care of her, because he works and because we are a "normal" family and so she along with our other children come under my "Mum" role in the family.Everything seems to always be about the support the child needs but those around her need to find support to as I am just so tired of trying. She can be a lovely kid and I hope I dont come across as an evil step mother, i'm not, just worn down.
But I really do get days I am at my wits end, I love DH so much and he and I really are made for each other...but I have days I really wish I wasn't in this family set up. Its like there is him who I really want to be with, but she is constantly making me wish I could escape from it all. I understand they are a package etc etc and don't need anyone to tell me that, but would just like any advice on how to cope better. Thanks.