Advice please re ds 3.5 - nursery

[coll2010]

My ds is 3.5 and has been at pre school since last September. He does enjoy it and seems to have lots of friends but recently has been saying he does not want to go. He was off for a couple of days with a cough/cold but he is playing fine and I know he's well enough. He told me one particular friend keeps hitting/pushing/pulling and hurting him. I've always told him to tell his teachers if anything like this happens and he says he does and the teacher tells this little boy not to do it. The thing is the mum of the little boy thinks they're great friends and is always telling me her little one loves mine. I have noticed in the playground before school he's always pulling at my son and I think because he has language / communication problems he pulls and hits to try and get my son to play with him. I know my ds is no angel but we're teaching him that it's not nice to do these things so he knows it's not right. Yesterday they were both at another friends party and it was there that I saw how bad it really is. All the children were sat eating their party food (my ds sat at the other end of the table) and his friend kept getting up whacking him on the back and trying to pull him off the bench by the back of his top. The mum kept telling him not to do it but it went on and on. I felt sorry for her as she had to eventually make a quick exit with him.
It does seem like this little boy could have some developmental issues as his behaviour was completely different to all the other children there. Another mum afterwards spoke with me and thought it was a big problem what was happening to my son so I've been thinking about it since and really feel I need to speak with his teachers. My hubby thinks I should speak to his mum but I don't want to upset her as I think she is really struggling with him and was quite embarrassed yesterday. I never had this problem with my dd 5 so I'm unsure how to go with this as I want him to enjoy school.

Thanks and sorry for the longwinded message!

I wouldnt speak to the mum - it seems she realises that there is an issue and she did eventually do the right thing and removed the child.

BUT i would speak to the nursery and insist they deal with the issue - keep the children apart, keep a very close eye and step in immediately - star chart for the other child that sort of thing but nursery must do something if its getting to the point that ds doesnt want to go anymore

Agree with racmac - really tough one and I would suspect the other mum is saying they are best friends as she is probably very embarrassed about this but may not know herself what to do. Speak to nursery and explain what has been happening and how you feel it is effecting your ds. I would hope that they would have a great deal of experience with this and should get to grips with this quickly. If you see know noticeable improvement, ask for a review meeting to keep on top of it.

I had a very similar issue with my best friend's dd, who went through a phase of hitting and I had to stop them playing together for a period of time as it was having a very negative impact on my otherwise very sociable dd.

Although I could talk to her about it (but only because we have been friends for 30 years!) I still needed to be the one to take action, it can be really tough for the other mum when they are lurching between confusion and guilt! I actually felt quite angry for a period of time with my friend for not taking control but I tried to see it from her point of view and it's not that she didn't care, she didn't know what to do. Sounds a lot like the mum you have described. If she just let it go and didn't acknowledge it then trust me, I would have absolutely given what for!

If it helps, my dh was very much of the opinion that it was for my friend to sort out and I should confront her head on. But protective daddy mode is not sometimes the most constructive!

Agree, speak with the nursery, tell them that your ds has been saying he doesn't want to go. We have had this problem. The nursery have now sorted it, but it wasn't until we told them that dd was refusing to come in that they sorted it properly.

Also, don't feel guilty for talking to the nursery, they are able to spot developmental problems and help children and families. If this child does have some problems then highlighting them to nursery will help rather than cause more problems.

Thanks so much for your replies and I'm glad you all think I should speak to the school. I've got an appointment tomorrow with his teacher so fingers crossed it will all get sorted. I feel guilty that I didn't act before now as I thought it was just boys being rough, but after seeing it at the party I know there is a problem. I told my son I was going to speak with his teacher and he said that was a good idea

Ljhooray, that must have been hard going through it with a good friend. Your DH and mine sound like they are on the same wavelength! I'm glad mine wasn't there yesterday as I know he wouldn't have stayed as calm as I did!

Thanks again everyone

TBH Coll2010 I think I may have had it a little easier as she adores my DD and was very protective over her too, so really wanted to do something but didn't know what.

Please do not feel guilty - totally understandable and you don't want to wade in if you think its just a bit of rough and tumble or maybe just two kids that don't really get on - as much as we want to protect them, they are bound to have to deal with this at some point but now you know what's happening, you're taking action so what more could you do.

Good luck tomorrow, you'll be great.