I would really like some advice on this adoption situation

[Makipuppy]

We are supposed to be taking over the care of my DP's DN in March, in time to start the new school term here, in a different city to the one he has grown up in, brought up by his grandmother since the death of his mother and father when he was a baby. DP was very involved in his upbringing and DN loves him and sees him as a father figure.

Recently, DN has been behaving really quite badly at school, truanting, messing around in class, lots of letters home to grandma.

Grandma doesn't 'do' discipline of any sort and he is running rings round here.

We suggested taking him into our family (we have DS aged 5 months, DN loves him to bits). Granny wanted this, she feels she can't cope, knows he is not thriving, can't even get him to go to bed on a school night/get off his computer games.

We put it to him as our idea, to avoid him feeling the granny had abandoned him in any way.

He didn't much like the idea, partly I think because he knows he will not get away with much here and partly because granny is his mother in many ways and partly because he doesn't want to leave his school.

I have managed to get him into the local school here which is really excellent.

So, granny was holding firm then this weekend she caved when he said he didn't want to come to us, please don't make me etc. etc. and has said she won't make him.

We don't know what to do. Our first thought is to get him to see a child psychologist who will reassure granny that he won't suffer long term trauma by being 'taken away' (or advise against it).

There are mental health issues in DP's family that combine very badly with a boundaries-free upbringing.

I would really welcome advice on what I can do to take the situation forward. We really want DN with us and feel we can offer him a stable, happy home as well as keeping him on the straight and narrow at school.

(I have posted about this before).

Could you suggest to DN that if things really do not work out with you, he can go back to Granny's. Obviously you can only suggest this if it is an option.

TBH for a child who has already lost his birth parents this is going to seem like another abandonment. Its going to be very hard to avoid some fairly major upset at some stage in the move.

I agree with maryz about the easy option thing. Given too much choice he will take the path he thinks will be easiest for him.

Maybe he needs involved a bit more in what is going on. Given clear reasons why it would be better for him to come to you. Granny is getting older and she just cannot look after a child anymore - any child. You would all like him to come to you because you think it would be great for him to be with DS, he will have more opportunities etc, at the same time acknowledging how difficult it will be for him to adjust.

Its pretty unfair of Granny to cave now. It sounds as if the move is inevitable and she is just putting it off.

If/when you do arrange the move I think it would be a good idea to get some specialised advice from somewhere. Talking to orgs who understand about attachment, early trauma etc would be a good way of preparing yourself and picking up tips for helping him adjust to the move.

I hope you manage to sort this out. I think I remember your early posts about this.

Thanks Maryz, I've appreciated your posts on other threads.

Granny is feeling terrible that she gave in although I quite understand she was in a terrible situation because he was wearing her down, pleading with her. She was immensely relieved when we said we would take him, but we've never let him know that she is happy about it.

She has avoided the school issue, so that coming to us is not a punishment, but I think now we have to say, whatever happens, things have to change at school.

DP will definitely have to take a more active role, but it's not easy, if we don't take him, because we live quite far away.

Now, I advocate making life with us more attractive - I want to get him a puppy but DP is dead set against it (even though we are both desperate for a dog) because he doesn't want to seem like he's bribing him.

We live by the beach, he could do lots of things here.

THey are coming down here at half term so hoping to make some headway then.

Interesting what you say about the psychologist. I know forcing him will be hard. God, this is so difficult.

Chegirl, thanks as ever for your wisdom. What organisations do you think I should approach? That sounds like a very good route.

I have absolutely no expertise in this area but a few ideas to ponder/discard!

Could you agree a compromise where he comes to you during the week and goes back to grandma at weekends or his grandma comes to you?

I think the sports clubs/activities are a good idea. Does he have friends near you or are there chidlren his age that you could help him get to know?

Would he be willing for you both to adopt him? Would that help the transition if he felt you were both in for the long haul?

Does he have his own room at yours? If not, could he help you create his own space and keep things of his there?

Not sure if any of these things are any help.

Adoption Uk would be a start.

You could also try your local social services adoption support for ideas on resources (rather than their direct support).

Some adoption/fostering depts have a specific kinship carer worker. I doubt you would get any practical help off them (as you are taking your DN on a voluntary basis) but they should be able to advise you on sources of support.

Knowing about the issues faced by children in DN's situation wont fix things but it may help you to understand him thus reducing stress levels.

I have probably mentioned www.frg.org.uk to you before. They are a good source of information for kinship (family) carers.

I know we are not supposed to bribe children and its not always a good idea (setting up false expectations etc) but I do think children going through such difficult times deserve the odd sweetner

Getting a pet at the same time as aquiring a new family member is not usually a good idea though. But it may be something you could discuss for the future (as you want a dog anyway).

I really hope it works out for you all. It does seem that the current situation cannot continue.

Thanks for those ideas Chegirl, I'll follow them up.

The psychologist idea came up because Granny now thinks that the trauma may cause DN permanent emotional damage and so she thinks that she must keep him and do her best to get him to behave at school and home rather than risk it. DP hoped that a psychologist would reassure her this was not the case. I'm not sure that's what a psychologist does.

He's very afraid of change - when he's with us he doesn't want to leave and cries for days when he's back. Yet now he won't come to see us because he's afraid we won't let him go home.

Apparently he said to granny he would come in September, but that it was just 'too soon'. This may be a fear of joining a new school mid-year but I don't think so (he's very confident with other kids) I think it's more likely he's playing for time.

I don't think any sweetener is going to work - he knows he's going to have to do as he's told here, go to school and do his homework. In face of that, he's fighting to keep his easy life.

Daftapeth, unfortunately we live too far apart for a part-time arrangement. He does have a room here though.

Perhaps we would be better to leave him where he is and give granny more support, even if it means moving to be closer at hand (very unattractive option, as I'm happy here and it's a great place to bring up DS). DP's mum won't move here (which would be perfect).