i cannot do "playful" parenting :-(

[SlightlyFoxed]

just need to vent really. i'm on my own with ds, who is 2.9, and it is just such relentless, hard grindingly dull work to be around him at the moment.

I find it hard, if not impossible, to make things like getting dressed etc into a game - it takes forever and we're always short of time, it seems.

today has been horrendous, he cries and whines the whole time, screams if he doesn't get his way. went out for a walk but he demanded to be picked up and cuddled the whole time, if I refused he sobbed miserably or screamed.

I know it's up to me to turn this around or make things better, but I don't have the energy for distraction and jolliness and games when I am simply knackered and feeling down and would simply like ds to co-operate once in a while. vicious circle I guess, my mood can't be helping ds any.

don't expect any easy answers but if anyone's been here and come through the other side, your encouragement would be very gratefully received!

i have no answers but didnt want to leave with out posting

very un-mumsnetty [[hugs]]] for you

Sympathies.

Do you get any time off to yourself?

Fwiw, as difficult as it can be to be 'playful' as a way to motivate a child, it is often better (imo) to somehow summon the energy rather than being a grumpy, miserable Mum who feels guilty on top of being exhausted.

And always try to allow yourself more time than you think you'll need.

I can't give you any answers, but I am there now, so I feel your pain. The only thing I find makes it better is to get as much sleep as you possibly can...not always easy I know...but it generally improves your mood. Its horribly frustrating though. I have to force myself into jolliness, or I just end up yelling at the poor wee soul all day, which isn't fair to her.

Can you make use of TV sometimes to distract him? Even the odd twenty mins of peace can really help I find...god bless cbeebies and peppa pig! Are there any local playgroups, or toddlers groups? DD goes to playgroup, its just a couple of hours three mornings a week, but again, every little helps!

The other thing is, my dd1 is just a couple of months older, at 2.11, and I've really noticed a difference in her in the last month or so, slightly more cooperative than before!

Oh yes I know that feeling...

I don't think there are any quick fixes, but one of the things I've used to help myself feel better about it all is to focus on one thing at a time - whether it's eating, bedtime, getting dressed in the morning, going out for a walk or whatever. If you concentrate on just one of those things, I think it's easier to make some kind of progress and if you don't then at least you feel you've done your best.

The other thing is to notice how you feel about doing certain things - eg if you're going for a walk, notice if you got anything out of it at all(fresh air, things to look at) to help yourself think if it was a good thing to do. Sometimes it helps you realise you get more out of the experience than you thought. Alternatively, if it's really dreadful, you might decide to let yourself off doing it again until the weather is fabulous and ds is in a good mood!

Hang on in there. It does get better...

thank you all - helps knowing that I'm not alone!

i do get help from time to time, gps are great at coming for a weekend etc - but not having even 10 mins respite on some days is when it all gets a bit much. can't seem to get showered and both of us dressed in under 2 hrs at the moment, don't get more than 5 mins to myself before the shouts of "Mummy, come here!" start.

Esme - yes I am stuck in a shouting rut at the moment, it feels like it the only way to get ds to actually do what I need him to - and it is horrible.

I feel your pain. This age is very hard.

Does your DS go to playgroup/nursery - if not - seriously consider it

How does he sleep ? - sleep deprivation is enough to drive anyone do-lally - if so, maybe we can help ?

Do not give in to shouting and screaming. As well as trying to be playful, you are allowed to be firm. Think "bored policeman" instead of "shrieking mum" when he is having the screamingabdabs.

If you are seriously down - go to your GP. When my first was think age, I had some counselling.

thanks jamie - yes ds does go to a nursery a couple of half days a week, so I am getting some time off. but most days it is me and him all day, and I am finding the bad outweighing the good right now. I do try the playful games approach and he just won't co-operate, he wants to do everything his way!

he does sleep well fortunately though wakes early most days for milk, thne goes back to sleep. I dream of 8 hours uninterrupted sleep! but then I do need to be more disciplined about going to bed earlier myself...

I think the crux of the matter is is that I don't find it enjoyable to get down on the floor and play with him, plus we spend so much time trying to get him to do necessary things we run out of time for general play and then I have to do chores, cooking etc so still don't give him full attention! and then the evenings and weekends roll round and there I am with no adult company or person to talk things through with, or just to talk about something else!

sorry this is long, I don't expect responses, it is just nice to let things out a bit and think it all through.

First, make sure you get enough sleep.

Then:

If you have things to do, go out etc, be ruthless and force him to get dressed, take a shower whether he's crying for you or not.

If on the other hand you don't have to do anything then going with the flow might be easier: I am alone with dd at the mo (dp left for a few days) and we had a lazy day: we were in our pjs til 4 pm, then went for a walk. BUT that's what I felt like doing today, playing with her, totally relaxed, it won't work if you will feel guilty that you're not going to some kids activity thing or whatever.

I find that I have to suit my parenting to my mood and to what needs to be done that day ie if I'm busy than it's like a boot camp here, if I have nothing to do, than I'm not really bothered.

To actually enjoy being with your lo you have to adjust your attitude iyswim- if I think ' oh, I could be having a tea and reading a book now, but I have to play with Duplo' it will make me miserable. If otoh I'll just go with the flow,it's much more fun.

Lastly, make sure that you get a few breaks a day for yourself. You have rights, too, you know. Put ds in front of tv for 30 minutes, or just tell him to stay in his room and play. Be firm.

It can be hard, though, you've got my sympathy.

You are not alone. I didn't particularly enjoy playing with mine (eeeek!), BUT, investing just a few minutes doing it willingly and ungrudgingly paid dividends in that I found I could enjoy it AND not feel guilty about refusing him later (which you shouldn't).

When you are playing try and let him do it his way. Observe what he does and describe it to him - let him tell you what to do

How can you get some adult company ? I think that would really really help. I do know I was so lonely for conversation when my DSs were little I'd start conversations with people at bus stops, and with shop assistants, because I was so bored with droning on about aeroplanes and diggers all the time......

Do you go to any mum and baby groups ?

It will improve when the weather gets better and you can get out more. In the meantime, DVDs are your friend !

This too shall pass x

i'm with Winnybella on this - if you are trying to get him to fit into YOUR schedule most of the time, he will fight against it. When you are able to, try to let him have things his way a bit... forget the cleaning for a couple of days, don't obsess over cooking. sometimes you can just have beans on toast or scrambled eggs... don't worry about getting dressed and getting out when it might suit you both better to stay in pj's and slob about all day. try and anticipate the problems that you know come up and have an answer (for example i never go for a walk of more than 10 mins without buggy because i know ds (3) will whine about walking). get loads of sleep. let him go to nursery in pyjama top and jeans if that's what he wants... he will grow out of this stage and become more cooperative, especially if he feels that he has some control.
think about what the consequences will be if you do things his way instead of yours - sometimes they are worth bearing. then when he is a happy boy you will take joy from that and it will be an upwards spiral.
i don't mean forget all the boudaries, as there are some things that you have to stick to like teeth cleaning and not eating crap all day long, but giving him a bit of control over what he does might help.
and finding other single mums to hang out with so you have some adult company?
hope that makes sense.

If you have 2 hours spare, you could plan a few games, be his playmate and just let yourself have fun together. Would you/do you play hide and seek together?
Chase him saying that you're a tickle monster who is going to catch him and tickle him? I find that this game really stops the fights, e.g. if my DS doesn't want his nappy changed/shoes put on whatever it is, I say I'm the tickle monster and you have to let me put your shoes on or I'll tickle you, and they are soon laughing so hard that the 'fight' is forgotten...

you are all so lovely, thank you. have been spending more time just this afternoon with him on the floor etc and it has been easier. feel more relaxed for having got a few things off my chest I think. though we still had to have a battle over a couple of things where he was determined his way was best (and it really wasn't!).

At 2.9 he needs to see other children every day. And you need to see other adults.

Of course it is going to be difficult if it is just the two of you

DS2 is just 3.

I know what you mean about the constant frigging hoo haa to get the simplist things done.

Sometimes it helps just to change your mind set, instead of thinking fucking hell/hard work think happy/light/easy, if he won't get dressed don't battle, leave him alone, if he won't eat, so what. Don't try and win everything, you won't.

I have ear plus that I wear when his whining and demanding fries the core of my brain, they work, you can still hear them, but it dulls the noise and takes the edge of.

Also doing mad stuff, running round the park shouting like loons, painting and sticking it all over your faces, have a loud disco, just the two of you, in the house to Crazy Frog. Let loose.

Sometimes just hink fuck it, you can't win and each day should not be about constant battling every damm thing.

Get out the house. Free stuff, the park, the libray - so they have a story time? Bus ride, train ride, walk to the post box, pick up leaves, spot nature, invite someone to play, make cakes.

Get your self some good books and DVD's to switch off too when he's gone to bed.

I feel you with the bordom/battle factor.

I also find it hard to be 'enthusiastic mummy' all the time. I am not entirely in the same boat as you, but having a child the same age means going through the same drudgery day in day out. It does get you down sometimes.

Doing stuff outdoors does help though, I have to vouch for that. Today we've had a 'bad day', I've been near tears with DS because he's just pushed and pushed my buttons to get a reaction and he's thrown tantrums, being grouchy etc. it's bloody hard work. But we got out the house, and his mood suddenly changed - almost like he'd had a personality change!

feel free to vent, we're all here to help one another.

definately agree with a PP, that getting plenty sleep each night does improve your mood for the following day. you are better equipped to cope with things that are thrown at you because you're less tired.

thanks again, I think some of it is obviously down to being on our own, just the two of us, so when the pressure gets too much I get shouty.

but a lot of the time it's just him being so sodding determined that his way is the only way. we had huge to-do yesterday when he had a poo accident (which I don't get remotely fussed about in itself) and he was shouting and fighting with me to clean it up. Now, I would be happy for him to help, but he wants to launch in there and do it immediately himself, and of course you know that it's going to be a disaster, so I end up having to shout just to get him to STOP. ... I just don't know how to deal with that, first how to get him to stop and listen, and second how not to lose my temper in the heat of moments like that when all I can think is "don't do that, it's going to create so much more mess and work for me to sort out."

and I agree Bonsoir that he needs to see other children, but even then he is whingey and clingy and crying - went out with friends last weekend, dcs all similar ages and they were generally just getting on with the walk / play / ducks thing, and ds was insisting on cuddles, wouldn't join in with anything, wanted to do the exact opposite to what was going on, but would change his mind just as the activity moved on, followed by massive crying fit.

you've probably all gone to sleep by now, but if anyone's got any bright ideas on any of this that would be wonderful.

"At 2.9 he needs to see other children every day. And you need to see other adults."

every day is a bit extreme IMO. ds doesn't see other children every day and he's fine most of the time when we're out and about getting on with stuff and visiting relatives and friends. plenty time for interaction when they start nursery IMO (when it's free!).

ha, I know what you mean about things like the poo incident - they are sooo insistent at helping that it creates more work for us mums. I also have shouted at DS because it's just instinct when you said 'no don't do that' three or four times and they still aren't getting it that you want them to leave well alone. I am no expert on this stuff, just telling you my experience so far. I try to stay calm most of the time but occasionally do shout because I get so frustrated. There doesn't seem to be an easy way, unless someone can come along with some magic answer?? I'm listening too...

I think that when you feel you have the control of the sitution, kids sense that and are generally less PITA. I found that when I keep my cool while still getting the things done ( now I'm battling with dd and nappy changes), they realise any resistance is futile and let you get on with it.
So, for instance, when ds needed to be cleaned up, I would either let him do it and deal with the mess later, or just grab him, wipe his bottom (calmly, though), put his pants back on and say with a smile'here, it's all done'.
Kids have different personalities, for sure, but some discipline is necessary- but calm, assured and loving!
With my ds who generally has a tendency to hysteria and whining, I found that this really works, as when I deal with everything in a calm, BUT authorative manner, he calms down as well and knows there's no point in complaining etc as it will not change anything.
Soon though, the weather will be nicer, you can go the park every day, also I guess he will be going to preschool next September?

Do you get out much to toddler groups etc? I have a 2 year old (and a 9 month old) and we try to make sure we go out every day. During the week we go to toddler groups/classes, the childrens centres do some great ones for free or very cheap. I find at toddler groups, my 2 year old doesn't need much attention at all and loves to play with the other children and different toys etc. At the weekend we do other things like park, feed ducks, etc. This morning we just went to the car boot sale, but it was still getting out, letting her explore (and got a new toy while we were there).
If you were to go to groups most days, you would get adult conversation which makes a lot of difference and your son would get all the interaction with others.

Another thing about getting out in the mornings, is that it gives him an insentive to co-operate with getting ready etc. You can make sure you get everything ready the night before, so that you have less to do in the morning. Then as soon as he wakes up, you can tell him about where he is going and that we need to quickly get ready so we can go to ... If you make it sound exciting, he should be fairly enthusiastic about getting ready. Then maybe he could watch some TV for 10 mins (or we do 1 program, of DDs choice). While you make breakfast, and make sure everything is ready. And then eat and get going?

Then at least by the time you get in, you will have had a nice morning, hopefully stress free and DS will be in a happier mood anyway. Does he have a sleep? If so maybe this is a good time for his nap? If not, maybe some lunch and then half hour chill out time for both of you with TV (and mumsnet!).

Sorry, just realised how long my post already. Will stop talking now

Winnybella you speak sense, well that style of parenting works for me anyway.

great advice, thank you one and all. tomorrow is a new day and I am resolved to be calmer, see if it rubs off on ds a bit too.

mother and toddler groups aren't for everyone. i've been to a couple in the past and didn't really like them, and found I was more stressed out watching what DS was doing, couldn't relax the whole time I was at these groups to actually interact with other parents there.

I do find meeting up with a few mums I met before giving birth (through antenatal class) a real joy because we meet at a local park, where the children can play freely in the open. There are only a couple of us, so not too much going on at once.

having the same problem at the moment with dd who is 3 and is very stubborn and contrary. She's terrible in the mornings and won't get out of bed, cries to be carried downstairs or refuses to come downstairs, messes around when I'm trying to get her dressed etc etc. I find it difficult to find the energy to play with her, but a couple of days ago I decided to get some boardgames out, we tried snakes and ladders which didn't last long, but went with the flow and didn't try to make her play it properly we just went up ladders and down snakes. Then played a couple of others (orchard games shopping list and hungry hippos). We had a really nice time, played some music and had a dance round the kitchen. I think sometimes with her she is so stubborn that it turns into a battle of wills and I end up making her do things just to prove that I'm in charge which is ridiculous I know and it all gets very shouty. That day because we did have fun and relaxed the rules a bit I didn't feel the need. Obviously playing boardgames is not going to solve all our problems, but perhaps playing a game like that, rather than just getting on the floor and making something up which can sometimes be hard work when you're knackered.