At the end of my tether with my 6 year old

[frazzle26]

Hi guys,

I have a 6 year old son who I love so much but to be honest he is a little devil at times!!

At school, I am constantly getting called in to be told that he is: being disruptive, violent towards other children, rude to teachers etc. Just the other day he got his 3rd red card in 3 weeks for throwing a rock at another child's head which earnt him an after school detention. If he gets another one before half term then he's getting a short term exclusion. Recently, he's been asking one little girl to be his girlfriend and to pull her pants down which she has bing getting quite distressed about as this has been on several occasions.

At home, he urinates all over my flat. It smells like a public toilet. I'm actually moving next week because I can't stand it anymore. He regularly soils himself aswell. He isn't incontinent either before anyone suggests that as he can get to the toilet when he feels like it, he just does this when he feel like it. He has 2-3 places where he loves to urinate.

He can be cruel to my mum's dog as well- picking him up and hurting him. He wakes me up at 5.30am most days and although I try to get him back to bed- to be honest once I've been woken up that's it then.

These are just a small selection of the things I have to put up with and being a single parent it's really hard. I am trying to take a stand with him. After the incident where he threw the rock at the child's head, I cancelled his birthday party and took all his toys away. I have also cut TV down to 1 hour per day and am trying to make him stay in his room in the morning (it's not really working). To be honest, he doesn't really care about any of the punishments I've put in place.

I'm just so upset and tearing my hair out. I feel so sad and upset all the tie. When I'm walking to pick him up from his childminder I sometimes just feel a sense of dread because although I love him, I'm really not looking forward to another evening of his naughty behaviour.

Have any of you had any experiences like this?? If so, what did you do?? xx

What are the school doing to support him and you? Are they suggesting any special needs and in this case getting an ed pysch? Do you feel you need parenting classes? Has he always been like this?

Your son sounds as if he has some issues that you alone are not equipped to deal with. I would visit your gp and see what help is available.

The school have put in a referal for behaviour support but this was months ago. Aparantly, this is going to be urgently chased up. Also, I did see a doctor at the hospital in November and am going back in April. There was some talk of a psychologist for his behaviour.

I don't feel that I need parenting classes tbh. I just feel that he's very naughty and i don't know why.

What does he say if you ask him why he threw that rock, or why he keeps weeing and soiling himself?

A lot of it sounds like it could 'just' be attention seeking. How much quality time do you get with him, when you give him your full attention and you have a good time together?

He actually denied throwing the rock for ages. There were several witnesses though, adult and children so it was definitely him, it wasn't a case of mistaken identity. Apparantly, he just luterally picked it up randomly and chucked it at this boy who was sitting on a bench. It wasn't even like they'd been fighting or anything.

As for the weeing and soiling. He often denies the weeing except when I've literally caught him with his pants down. As for the soiling he says that it just "comes out".

We're not getting much time together at the mo as I'm on an 11 week hopital placement as part of my uni course. However, that will be over soon and usually we do spend a reasonable amount of time together. We often read, go to the park, go to the cinema. Those sorts of things.

okay, random throw = poor impulse control.
In fact, poor impulse control could explain an awful lot of it.

You can't make them mature any faster. But you can find better coping strategies for you and his teachers. That's where I think seeking professional advice and support might help most.

Has his behaviour always been like this, or is this a change?

This does sound more serious than simple immaturity, and I echo the recommendation for professional help.

Does he have any contact with his father, or are there any male figures in his life (grandfather, godfather, etc)?

The male figure in his life is a whole other can of worms. I have always had serious problems with his father since we split 2.5 years ago. In fact after a serious incident at Halloween, he didn't see him for approx 8 weeks. Really, the only positive male influence in his life is his teacher- a lovely man who is quite firm with him. My dad sees him from time to time but that's about it.

I made the hard decision to let him see his father today even after everything that happened. Really it was because i needed a rest tbh. Hopefully his father will be able to talk some sense into him and maybe we weill be able to move on because it would be good for him to have his father in his life more often as i truly believe that little boys need their dads.

I'd agree on the need for referral for professional help at local CAMHS (child psychiatry) . They should be able to offer you both the help you need, and also work closely with the school to get proper behavioural support there.
It doesn't sound like 'just attention seeking' and if you are looking at exclusion please try and get help before it goes that far.

Good luckx

Frazzle I have a 6 yr old DS so I know how hard it can be. Reading your post, it seems clear to me that you need some support: it's just too much too tackle on your own. I would urge you to seek some counselling, not just around parenting, but around your own needs and issues right now. It's a horrible feeling to be dreading time with your own beloved little one, and it's not something that you should just put up with.

If I'm honest, then some of the behaviour you have described - eg weeing in your flat- is, too me, quite extreme. In my experience, my own DS acts up when I am feeling most desperate or isolated. Again, and again, when I have felt at a loss about how to tackle my DS, I remember the advice my friend with older children gave me: "start with yourself, and it always works". So far, it always has, which is why I am passing on the same advice to you.

I do hope this is useful - the last thing you need now is advice that feels unsupportive. You are clearly a concerned, thoughtful and loving mum from your post so your DS is lucky to have you. Do seek help, wherever you can find it, including on Mumsnet.

Thanks guys. I am looking forward to getting some help for my son. I really hope that it helps him. I'm just sat in my flat waiting for his father to drop him home. Whilst I have missed him though, I really needed the break.

I agree the weeing is very extreme. The doc at the hospital said they do see it from time to time but tbh it didn't make me feel much better seeing as he's been doing it for at least 3-4 years now.

The behaviour that I've described is all pretty typical and I'm just feeling pretty worn down.

Any further tips greatfully received.